Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Extra Ordinary Trust

"My brother and sisters,
whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy,
because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance;
and let endurance have its full effect,
so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God,
who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you.
But ask in faith, never doubting,
for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea,
driven and tossed by the wind; for the doubter,
being double-minded and unstable in every way,
must not expect to receive anything from the Lord."
--James 1:2-8

I don't believe I have ever devoted much attention to the book of James. It is one of those very short books, only five chapters in length, near the end of the New Testament following all of the letters of Paul and it is just not one that is regularly or often quoted. Yesterday afternoon, I was surfing the web though and stumbled upon a website that had a quote from the book of James which triggered my interest, so I pulled out my Bible and began to read. Hmmm...there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences! A lot of what James had to say to the twelve tribes in the Dispersion, he also had to say to me as a good bit of his letter spoke directly to my present situation with things I needed to read. One of my regular, repeated prayers is, "Lord, speak to me in a way I can understand." and when I remember to pray that, he usually does.

"Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of faith produces endurance..." - James 1:2-3 Faith. Little word, huge meaning! Faith is one of those constants of the Christian lingo that is often tossed around so much that we in The Church sometimes lose sight of what it's all about, until we are in a crisis and called upon by God to exhibit it. Faith is one of those words, like friendship, that everybody knows what it means until you ask them to define it. It is difficult (to say the least) to box up such an enormous word like "faith" and express it through our limited vocabularies when it is indeed so beyond ourselves. British rocker George Michael told us in the 1980's that we "Gotta Have Faith" and our own Bon Jovi in the 1990's told us to "Keep the Faith." The Hebrews are told in the eleventh chapter of the letter to them that it is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen..." and it goes on to describe the faith of the Israelite heroes as examples for us. Jesus told us that an amount the size of a mustard seed was enough, but from where do we get it "in a world so filled with hatred"?

As a child (and still sometimes to this day, although not as often), I used to wake up at night out of a sound sleep crying in pain with a terrible, intense cramp in the back of my calves, which now I know to be commonly called a "Charlie Horse." My mother used to tell me as she tried to rub them away that they were "Growing Pains" and an unavoidable part of life. I remember wishing that growing up didn't have to hurt so much... but we all know that both figuratively and literally, growing up - whether in the physical, emotional, or spiritual realm - does indeed hurt and sometimes much, much more than we would care to experience. At the of age 35, I find myself right now in the middle of a growth spurt and it still hurts just in different ways.... my calves, they're alright for now anyway! ;o) So, here is my challenge:
"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." -- Charles du Bois
I gave someone whom I consider to be a friend a candle a few months ago. It was a simple tea-light candle in an approximately four inch stone-like cube inscribed with the words from Jeremiah 29:11, "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord,...to give you a future with hope." Not printed on the candle in the ellipsis are the the words, "plans for your welfare and not for harm." Those can be difficult words in which to maintain faith in the midst of a growth spurt when the pain is most evident, but that essentially points me back to du Bois' quote. The only problem is that our vision of a future with hope may not be the same as God's vision for us that is more than we could ever imagine and we've got to be willing to sacrifice our vision for his. The end of the chapter of Hebrews on the great heroes of the faith contains these words, that while filled with all the riches God has to offer are indeed scary while we are in the middle of it all and our vision is slipping away: "Yet all these, though they were commended for their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better..."

On a personal level, I spent most of my twenties living a fairly contented life savoring the joys of being newly married, doing work that I believed to be making a difference in the world and being an active part of a vibrant faith community (the experiences with whom I did not know at the time would sustain me for years to come). Towards the end of my twenties, although I was basically satisfied with where I had been and where I thought I was going, there began to be as Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail," Kathleen Kelly, tells her then boyfriend Frank regarding their eminent break-up that although "there is no one else; there is the idea of someone else." In the smallest corners of my mind there began to be the idea of becoming someone else. I stumbled across the quote which launched my collection and made it my theme, my motto, my tagline. It was even my signature line on my emails for a season. It became my catalyst for change:
"It is never too late to be what you might
have been." - George Eliot, English novelist
Simultaneously, I began a fascination with the biographies of people who are well regarded in their fields of endeavor but did not begin in those fields until at least thirty years of age.
To be continued.... If you want the rest of the story, come back later.

"The whole problem with the world 
is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, 
but wiser people so full of doubts." 
-- Bertrand Russell

Friday, May 18, 2007

Extra Ordinary Grace

"I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips . . .
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears . . .
Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him . . .
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit . . .
The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him."
- Psalm 34:1, 4, 8, 17, 18 and 22, King David

I don't believe that I could ever tire of reading the Psalms. They were written thousands of years ago, but for the most part they could have just as easily been written today. Sometimes I marvel at the continuity of the human experience. There is a tendency in our society to think one's experiences, ideas and problems are unique to one's self, "I am special," "no one could possibly understand what I'm going through," "It just isn't the same." My mother-in-law is one of the biggest proponents of this type of thinking, it is difficult sometimes to bite my tongue. I believe this could not be further from the truth though. "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." --John 10:10 In Christ we will experience all that there is to experience - the good, the bad, and the ugly, but is it not the same that our forefathers [and mothers ;o) ] have experienced from the beginning of time?? Somehow, I find comfort in that.

In Psalm 35, my absolute favorite lines are from verses 21 & 22: " 'They open wide their eyes against me; they say Aha, Aha, our eyes have seen it.' You have seen it Lord; do not be silent!" For some reason that line always tickles me when I read it. I know those people! They aren't only from thousands of years ago in King David's time, I see them every day. They live in 2007 and they are still saying "Aha, Aha" with their index finger pointing towards another. The funny thing about those people though is they never seem to find reason to point that finger in the mirror. Perhaps you know them too. But even in their "Aha's" it is up to us to find the blessings, for without the trials would there be a need of grace?

Some of the "Aha-ers" (as I like to call them in my own private vocabulary) had been the cause of, for me, an "Alexander Day." I was an elementary education major in college where I developed a love of children's literature and the wonderful ways they capture such basic life lessons with child-like candidness and beauty. If you read this blog for any duration you'll probably get quite a list of my favorites from that genre. There are certain works of children's literature that I believe should be on everyone's "Must Read" list, regardless of age. Judith Viorst's classic, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, is just such a book. In it Alexander is having a day filled with what to him are the worst possible experiences that he could ever have to endure, so he decides to remedy the situation by planning to move to Australia, where surely life must be better -- that is, until his mother convinces him that even in Australia they have days just like that too sometimes!

Anyway, back on track to the telling of my Extraordinary Grace experience. My day started out with a grey cloud dancing over my head and it developed into "severe thunderstorm warning" like conditions as the day progressed. My husband is the Director of Bands at a local high school, one of the worlds' most noble, mostly unsung heroes. He is amazing at what he does and the way he transforms the lives of ordinary teenagers over the course of four year periods. He is truly one of those people who makes a difference and is changing the world one life at a time. I admire him more than he will probably ever comprehend. Running a multi-faceted, successful high school band program in today's world is no simple undertaking, it is a life calling.
This is where my quote of the day comes into play:

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success is what you make it. Not what others tell you it is.

My husband understands this about success, that is one of the reasons why I love him so much. He "gets it!" Although to not understand it and do the work that he does would, I think, bring one to the point of insanity. Being the person in charge of such an organization puts one in a position to endure lots of criticism while you must attempt to create a program of success in the eyes of five different audiences and their ideas about such success are usually quite different. The audiences being the student population (for whom the program was truly created), their parents/boosters who must work to financially support the running of the organization, the school administration looking at measurable achievement and entertainment(scores, evaluations, assessment providing meaningful educational goals while still providing entertainment), music professionals (adjudicators) and collegues, and the community at large who simply wants a band to play at their parade or give a concert for their event (because ah, doesn't everybody love a band?) and even they have no concept that the other four audiences exist. Finding the balance between all of those different audience perceptions as well as the director's own vision for the program is an incredible task.

This year has been an especially difficult one, after almost fifteen years in "the business" he has really seriously considered changing professions on more than one occasion because one of the five audiences (the parent/booster group) has upset the delicate balance in a very negative way. This year the group is filled with "Aha-ers." Today was the day of our annual end-of-year awards banquet that we have taken to calling "The Celebration of Achievements" The Aha-ers had spent their time pointing out every possible fault they could find with the way my husband does his job, meanwhile neglecting doing their own jobs in the team of running the program. As his wife, life partner, lover and best-friend, I shoulder some of the stress that evolves from that as well.

My "severe thunderstorm warning" like conditions were already brewing (because of a situation at my own work) when I showed up at the school in the late afternoon, after work to finish printing the last few certificates. The organizing of said event as far as the banquet portion of it is a designated booster activity. This year no advance preparations were made by anyone, but nonetheless their expectations for a wonderful evening remained equally as high as ever. No one had stepped up to the plate to make things happen. No hall was reserved, so we had it in the school cafeteria and auditorium. No one prepared tickets in advance and helped sell them, so it was poorly attended and our caterer had trouble knowing what to prepare. No decorations. At thirty minutes before it was supposed to start, not one table had been set up. It is Harley-Davidson Bike Week here (a traffic nightmare) so the food was late arriving. Once it was set up, a Sterno can caught on fire and filled the room with smoke. No parents would lift a finger to help in the serving line, as we could not afford hired servers, so two alumni served the entire crowd. Not enough funds had been raised throughout the year, with the ever-increasing transportation costs and gas prices, to afford real trophies this year, so it was all lying on the certificates that it was my responsibility to create and have ready.

While all of the banquet portion of the evening was going awry, I was attempting to finish the few certificates that I had left to print, which would have been a very easy manageable task had technology cooperated, but alas it would not! The first computer I linked into was having a fan problem and would overheat and shut off, the second had an impossibly slow printer and at the rate it was going, there was no way I would ever finish in time. Even if everything else goes wrong, what is an awards celebration without the awards??? I was losing it, big time! The thunder was roaring, I could see lightning in the distance. I was snapping at my husband! Things were going from bad to worse in a downward spiral. I was obviously doing something wrong. I was trying to do something I could not do, I was trying to prevent the "Aha-ers" from being successful. I could not control what I was trying to control. I stopped. I found my husband who was also running around trying to save the day himself -- I stopped him. I hugged him (long and hard). I kissed him. I told him I was sorry for snapping at him. I told him how much I appreciated him and how much I loved him. It was brief really, but it was so meaningful and then he was off again trying to saving the day. Then when he left the room I was working in with the door locked behind him, I fell prostrate before the Lord and cried out "Lord have Mercy, Christ have Mercy, Lord have Mercy!" over and over then I got up and asked God to redirect me, help me to focus on what was really important, show me the way....and he did! "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit . . .The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him."

Somehow what had been so difficult, went easy. The computer and printer started working. The people got fed and fell into conversation and fellowship with one another and made their way into the auditorium for the power-point/video and presentations. I finished-- the delays with the set-up and food had bought me more time! I thanked God!! I went into the auditorium and sat down on the stairs against the wall as unobtrusive as possible, my heart and my soul were at peace and it was then that I experienced His Extraordinary Grace as God showed me what was indeed really important.

My was hair was just pulled back, no make-up, and I never did have time to change into my "dress up" clothes - I was just wearing my old grey t-shirt that I wear to the gym, my capris, and my old strappy sandles that have seen better days, but the certificates were done and I decided I was going to just enjoy the rest of the night and be open to what God had instore. I ended up being more relaxed than I had at any other of these functions in the past fourteen years. The kids had produced the most professional, incredible, life-affirming video with pictures and music and the experience of their life with each other and my husband for the past year...watching it there was laughter and spontaneous applause and "oooh's" and "aaah's." This was their life -- they spend more hours with the band during their four years of high school than anywhere else, except perhaps sleeping. Next came superlative awards also created by the students... you remember those fun "Most likely to..." kind of things. The three presenters did an amazing job and made it so much more fun and memorable than any other class had in years past. They rented tuxes and presented them in the style of the academy awards with nominees, a Power Point and the whole nine yards! The kids had a blast with it. We were making memories. The color guard instructor, a college sophomore and alumni of the program, wanted to do something special for her kids since we could not afford real trophies, so she went searching for something and found and purchased with her own money these little oval smooth metal-like stones with words like "courage," "faith," "hope," "love," you know the kind. She had showed them to me in advance and told me, "I wanted to get these for them because that's what we're really about here, we're giving them 'life lessons.' That's what they need to take away from here." I wanted cry. She "got it!" I told her she was amazing and not to let anyone tell her otherwise as she too had spent a year under the watchful eyes of the "Aha-ers." Then came my husband's presentation of my little computer generated certificates that I had sweat over, which at this point almost seemed anti-climatic and then was followed by "The Senior Farewell Speeches." After four years together through the good times and the bad, you store up a lot of things that you want to say...and we let them. Each graduating senior of the program gets however long they would like at the podium to say their good-byes. I really did almost cry this time. The ways that this program has affected their lives, they are going into the world different people than their peers who had not experienced the unconditional love of an incredible man that guided them and helped them through some of the most difficult years of their lives to this point.

When it was over, I don't think anyone remembered that we had to have it in the undecorated school cafeteria, that a lot of parents didn't come, that the food was late, that the smoke alarms almost went off and no one would help serve...that I was frantically trying to finish the awards at the last minute. I know that's not what I'll remember most about the night. The storm clouds rolled away and I don't think a drop of rain ever actually fell, because when I went to my car I could see the stars. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." -- Og Mandino

"Success is what you make it, not what others tell you that it is."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Extra Ordinary Beginnings

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read
you begin with A - B - C
When you sing
you begin with do - re - mi
- Maria (Julie Andrews), The Sound of Music, 1965

When you blog, I have come to realize, you begin with overcoming your fear of not having anything of value to say. In my own experience of sitting at my computer one day in late February searching for hope, searching for meaning, searching for guidance, searching for the good in the world concerning cross-gender friendships and mission and ministry, I literally stumbled upon Dan Brennan's blog, Faith Dance, and I found that his words and ideas expressed there spoke to some of my experience as well and in them I found comfort. Dan is an ordinary man with an Extraordinary vision and passion for educating the world on God's blessings found in cross-gender friendship. He has no formal degrees and titles to add to his name but has been given a special gift that God would like to share with the world through him. He has been an inspiration to me in my desire to create a blog of my own. "Pay It Forward" has become a popular saying in certain circles of our culture, but it is a concept I firmly believe in. For those of you who have watched the movie version with Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osmont, you must read the book! I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the original book when it was a new release at my local library, long before the concept of a movie version was ever conceived. It is good and as any reader knows, the book is always better than the movie. In that vein, it is my hope that someday this blog will evolve into something meaningful for someone other than myself, but for the present time it may just be a way of giving voice to my story.

"Start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..." overcoming my fear of not having anything of value to say. I have the perfect quote for that and it does speak directly to my experience both literally and figuratively:
If you hear a voice telling you that you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -- Vincent Van Gogh
This is a gem that I have only more recently added to my collection. On a personal level in the figurative sense, in the past year I have had the paradox of a growing voice within myself that is longing for expression somewhere battling with another voice that says I have nothing worthy of putting into writing or even spoken words. I have never been very disciplined in any of my previous attempts of keeping any sort of journal. So here, I will write - to silence the later and give birth to the other.

In a more literal sense in the past year I have indeed begun to paint and I love it! Albeit they are by no means master pieces, simply 4' x 8' backdrops for our church's children's faith formation program (VBS and Sunday School) done mostly in tempera ;o) but they are paintings nonetheless, real finished products and I actually let other people look at them. For me that has been a huge step in overcoming my fear of being vulnerable and contributing to a positive reinforcement of my sense of self.

Last May, Stephanie, our director of faith formation, out of blue - with no prompting from me (or anyone else of whom I am aware) asked me if I would like to help create the environment/settings for VBS, a task the nature of which I have never undertaken before in my life! I have always had an artistic longing deep within me that had long since been buried, but a lack of confidence prevented me from ever dreaming of doing anything even halfway serious with it. We all form ideas in our heads of who is creative and who is not, and I didn't really see myself in the creative category as my strengths were more in math and science. As a child, though, I used to check "How to Draw" books out of the library and I loved art class, but much beyond sixth grade and one quarter in seventh grade I have had no formal art instruction, especially in anything to do with painting as most of my elementary school art classes were mixed medium classes and I had very little instruction in painting and color combining, etc. I did in the spring of 2003 and 2004 for a few of months take some pencil drawing classes once or twice a week with Lon Calhoun at Moegan's Gallery in Conway, who has become another of my inspirations.

Needless to say though, at the thought of painting, I was at once excited and fearful. When I realized that I was simply a conduit for one of God's many, many gifts to the world and that I could indeed "do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13 it became an effortless, meditative activity that allowed me to feel in communion with God. It was no longer about me and what I could do, but rather about God and what He can do. It didn't have to be perfect, He was just looking for someone to show up and do the work. My self-consciousness, my inner critic in God's arms were laid to rest. Without having a clue as to what to do or how to do it, I put brush to paper and simply began. My friends laugh when I tell them that I don't really know what I am doing and am simply making it up as I go along. The transformative experience really comes though when I think I have just done something disastrous that will ruin the entire picture but when I refuse to waste the resources of time and materials and keep working at it, not abandoning ship, inevitably God will turn it my mistakes into something others see as beautiful. It has become for me a great life lesson and metaphor for living that when I think I or someone else has made a huge mistake in life, if I "let go and let God" He will take the time to turn the bad into something good. Saying "Yes!" when I had so much doubt and uncertainty was the best thing I ever did. It began a year-long ministry for me that has been such a blessing in my own life. Since last year's VBS ended in June, when I contemplate embarking on something new of which I am unsure, I remember to think to myself, "I can paint!"

Extra Ordinary Mission

I have had this blog for a little over a month now and have not been exactly sure in what direction to venture forth since my original post. Since it seems though that no one in particular will ever even discover this blog, I guess it does not matter. As my few close personal friends know, I have lots of opinions and strong convictions, so a blog seems like a natural outlet for that, but sometimes I am often hesitant to share them for fear of how they will be received. I also though have a broad spectrum of interests and causes so to focus in on any one would for me be difficult.

I am a collector of quotations, pithy sayings, biblical verses and words to the wise that speak to my heart. It is one of the ways I make sense of the world around me. I love language and words that strung together in just the right order somehow capture and comunicate the essence of the human experience and transcend time and culture - they are to me like a beautiful painting. It has been said that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I believe that well crafted words can also be worth a thousand pictures. A thousand people can read a biblical passage, a novel, a poem or hear a sermon, political speech, a song, .... and come away with a thousand different personal viewpoints from what they have read or what they have heard yet still somehow each hold on to the same basic truths or themes found in the message. Words can be magical. They have the power to influence, encourage, transform, inspire, guide, create, destroy, hurt, heal, forgive, redeem and so much more. We as individuals and as a society must be careful and not careless with how we use them. Nothing can be further from the truth than the childhood taunting retort "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words (or names) will never hurt me." Words do sometimes hurt and leave deep, long-lasting wounds. I much prefer the truism "The pen is mightier than the sword."

We all have our own concept of self that we carry around with us from very young childhood until we die and it usually morphs and transforms over the years as it is influenced by outside forces (Community has the power to shape us or destroy us) as well as our own hopefully ever-growing maturity, realtionship with our creator God and self awareness and progress on the road to truly being "self-actualized" (in the words of Maslow). When we are truly honest though, I think there are some constants that remain. For me one of those constants has been that I believe that somehow, in some small way I am going to change the world one day (or a small portion of it) for the better by influencing the way people think and in turn believe and ultimately act. Yes, my true self is (what some would call a hopeless) optimist. But I believe in optimism, there is always hope. I do freelance graphic communiations and design work and I guess that is ultimately my goal with that, to influence the way people think and view the world.

Here in this blog, in navigating the "Extras" in my ordinary life, I believe I will begin by each day trying to focus on taking one small quotation, pithy saying, or biblical verse that has latched on to my heart and experiences of that day and explore a little further what it is communicating to me. Then, perhaps, someone else will be sitting at their computer searching for hope, searching for meaning, searching for guidance, searching for the good in the world and also then find these words and they will speak to their experience as well and offer them comfort.