Friday, November 30, 2007

Extra Ordinary Community

Community has the power to shape or destroy us.

The above thought was taken from a May 17, 2007 blog post by Lilian Calles Barger (author, speaker and founder of The Damaris Project - an ongoing dialog for women on 'how spirituality informs our daily lives and work.') entitled No Name Woman. In the post she was referring to a story set in rural China by the same title that appeared in a larger work, The Woman Warrior: Memoirs of a Girlhood Among Ghosts written by Chinese-American author Maxine Hong Kingston. This thought of community having the power to shape or destroy us struck a sharp chord with me when I read it because it is a truth I have known for most all of my life seeing in practice communities both shaping and destroying the lives of their members. It has long been my hope and mission to help create communities that uplift their members and immediately upon reading it, I added the above thought to my collection of quotations and have returned to it time and again in the past six months. Never more intimately in my own life have I known one community to so strongly and passionately do both - shape and destroy - than from what I have experienced and witnessed in the community from which I have now chosen to leave being an active part.

Great bodies of people are never responsible for what they do.
- Virginia Wolfe

The American city should be a collection of communities where every member has a right to belong. It should be a place where every man feels safe on his streets and in the house of his friends. It should be a place where each individual's dignity and self-respect is strengthened by the respect and affection of his neighbors. It should be a place where each of us can find the satisfaction and warmth which comes from being a member of the community of man. This is what man sought at the dawn of civilization. It is what we seek today. - Lyndon B. Johnson

Community. Merriam-Webster defines it as follows:

com·mu·ni·ty Pronunciation: \kə-ˈmyü-nə-tē\ Function: noun 1 : a unified body of individuals: as a: state, commonwealth b: the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly: the area itself [the problem of a large community] c: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location d: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society [a community of retired persons] e: a group linked by a common policy f: a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests [the international community] g: a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society [the academic community] 2: society at large 3 a: joint ownership or participation [community of goods] b: common character : likeness c: social activity : fellowship d: a social state or condition

If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth. -- Mitsugi Saotome

Once upon a time in a college English class I was assigned to write a position paper on John Donne's Meditation XVII, No Man is an Island, arguing either that one could or could not function without being an integral part of our larger humanity. For the most part, I fancy myself a fairly strong-willed, independent, non-conformist that marches to the beat of her own drum. I wanted to argue with every fiber of my being that a man (or woman) could indeed be 'an island,' standing alone. At nineteen I had already been witness to communities doing their shaping and destroying, "I could be a hermit (and a darn good one at that!)," I thought. I was so self-assured at the time! Still today the prospect of a hermitage is my escape fantasy when the world around me goes bad. Then, however, I think of the caring, loving, compassionate people who have in a positive way helped to shape me into the person I've become, the people who have added great value to my life...I couldn't be who I am without their influence. I would most definitely want to take some of them with me - GRRR! Darn, There goes the hermitage! As far as my college English paper, I ended up so conflicted between my desire to believe that I could indeed be an island and that inner nagging that told me I could not, that I elected to take a zero and simply not write the paper. If I can't do something well (or at the very least the way I would like to, on my own terms) I sometimes refrain from doing it all.

"There is no such thing as a "self-made" man.
We are made up of thousands of others.
Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us,
or spoken one word of encouragement to us,
has entered into the make-up of our character
and of our thoughts, as well as our success."
- George Matthew Adams

“Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared is doubled.” - Swedish Proverb

My passion and my life work has been to contribute to the building of powerful, positive, good, life-changing communities (the kind that can proudly say they make a difference) in whatever form that may manifest itself. Sometimes it has been for pay, many times it has not. Sometimes it has been focused on taking care of the minute details that others take for granted which help to create the whole experience, doing the grunt work; sometimes it has been in envisioning, creating and executing large plans and programs. Most of the time it has been some combination of the two. Making copies or taking out the trash can have equal value to brainstorming and executing program ideas when one sees them all as a part of the 'Big Picture.'

My husband of fifteen years and I live a fairly modest lifestyle (just as an example: we were a one-car family for over 12 years) and were fortunate enough for the fourteen years he was a director of bands for that to be our primary income and for my income (when it existed) to be 'a bonus.' In that I have never had to compromise my integrity for the purpose of making money. I realize that this is a grand luxury many people do not afford themselves. It makes you look at the world differently; it changes the way you think. I still believe in the cliche, "Do what you love and the money will come." So far it has served me well.

We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free. - Starhawk

When I reflect on the past year of my life, it has been one of great turmoil and change instigated by the hands of 'community,' communities that I had grown to love. "Great bodies of people are never responsible for what they do." - Virginia Wolfe At the same time though, there have been small sub-groups, individuals of those communities, who have uplifted and sustained me in my journey. While my husband was a band director, we shared the vision of creating a community in which young people could flourish and grow, teaching leadership skills and team building...the musical contests and competitions were all secondary to the building of better people. The teaching of music and performance skills was simply a tool and venue through which to achieve the end goal of building better people. A small, very negative and very vocal group of people took away his passion and wanted to compromise his vision. He chose instead to step away from his career only half-way through.

Also in this past year, I had been working for a church under the title of "Membership Coordinator" but really doing a job which encompassed many aspects of community building. This was most definitely an example of "do what you love and the money will come," as I had begun doing a lot of volunteer work there before being offered a position of employment. This community had transformed my own life for the better in the previous three years by embodying a spirit of Christ-like love. Then, I watched from the sidelines in horror and despair as another very negative, hurting and hurtful group of six people destroyed the life and ministry of their leader, all in the name of doing good. I did the things that I could along the way to attempt to change or stop the snowballing process, but I did not have the power to alter the course of their actions. Now I can only reflect and attempt to learn something valuable from what transpired. My husband was discussing the two parallel situations with one of his current co-workers the other day, to which his co-worker replied, 'the only difference between Christians and non-Christians is that Christians supposedly know better, but act poorly towards their fellow man anyway.' The sad thing is the truth in that statement. Because I have experienced them at their best, belonging to a community of faith has long been a part of my identity, but at times I have been ashamed for the association.

If men would consider not so much where they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world. - Joseph Addison

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt. -- Frederick Buechner

In her blog post cited above Lilian Calles Barger communicated, "The ability to just get up and leave, or to determine the course of their lives, is one few women in the world know." I realize that to have that ability and not take advantage of it would be criminal as I am blessed with living in a nation of relative freedom. The questions I often ask myself when deciding to take leave of a community are 1. Would I any longer invite and encourage another person to become a part of this community? We often tolerate much more in the way of bad behavior ourselves than we are willing to expose others to. and 2. Can I support the message about what it means to be human that the behavior of this community is sending to it's young people or simply the next generation in general? Children are sponges. When the answer to one of those questions comes up "No," I begin a process of serious evaluation. When I get the second "No," I make plans to disengage and leave.

The difficulty in working with and for communities of people is the ability to keep one's sanity by knowing what one has the ability to change and what one does not. The other difficulty lies in not becoming jaded or callused by the inherent sinful nature of humanity and maintaining a knowledge that good will ultimately prevail over evil. Then, having the ability move onward to find the good.

But the life that no longer trusts another human being and no longer forms ties to the political community in not a human life any longer. - Martha Nussbaum

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. - Galatians 6:9-10

My mind wanders now to the stories of community from classic literature that most of my generation of Americans were required to read in their public school junior high or high school English courses. Most of them are stories of communities gone bad. Shirley Jackson's The Lottery, Arthur Miller's The Crucible, Nathaniel Hawthorn's The Scarlet Letter, and many, many others. I have to wonder did we as a society (or at least a generation) really embrace the lessons we were supposed to be learning from those great works? Isn't that at least one of the reasons they were chosen for "The Required Reading List?" I love the commonality of the human experience, somehow there is comfort in knowing that we are repeatedly experiencing the same the things throughout history, just each generation in our own way and thinking it's new to us. Sometimes though it is frustrating to be a part of it. In pondering these questions of community my husband was quick to recommend William Golding's Lord of the Flies, which he tells me embodies both the good and bad of community at it's best and worst, both shaping and destroying. The English teachers I had never put this one on my "To Read" list, even though some of the others in my school did have it on theirs. Somehow it never made it up to the top of the 'Waiting to Be Read' list on my own either. Anxious to share it with me, he immediately went to our bookshelves to retrieve his copy and now it sits on my bedside table awaiting my reading.

My husband is also a huge fan of Stephen King's work so needless to say over the Thanksgiving holiday we were at the theater watching The Mist. I am just not a big fan of the horror genre of literature as I can find enough "horrors" in everyday situations without looking too terribly long and hard, but I was game for the experience and actually enjoyed it. If you take away the mist itself and the horrifying creatures that come with it, it too is really just a case study of community and how bodies of people react within crisis situations. I highly recommend watching it from that analytical perspective, if nothing else.

We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something. - Sandra Day O'Connor

An African proverb says, "It takes a village to raise a child." I have to close with one final thought that has been weighing on my heart. It is the story of thirteen year-old Megan Meier who committed suicide in October 2006, but whose story has recently been brought into the media spotlights again. In a nut shell (or my best attempts at synopsis), Meagan was a fairly typical teenage girl who had a falling out with her friends from down the street. As a result she said some hurtful things about those friends to others at school. Her friends then ostracized her. She went on My Space and met a supposed 16-year old home schooled boy from the same town and developed a growing friendship with him, both her parents were well aware of the friendship. However, it was not really a 16-year old boy, as she had thought, that she was corresponding with, but rather the mothers (Yes - not children, but adult women, mothers) of some of her former friends. The women, obviously not emotionally mature themselves, made up the fictitious boy to "teach Megan a lesson." After the 'two' became close friends, the boy then started to turn on Megan saying hurtful things to her and he began to spread rumors and say bad things about her to all of her other school mates and friends online. 'He' destroyed her self image so much that she hung herself.

Now here's the really sad part-- others in the community, her friends, people who lived on her street and went to her school all knew about the situation with the fictitious boy through the rumor and gossip mill and no one attempted to stop the adult women from behaving like school children. No one befriended the girl in her time of greatest need. The police of the community said that no crime had been committed, no laws had been broken, therefore there was nothing they could do in the situation. You can learn more about this story here on CNN or here on ABC News.

It leaves me speechless. Communities behaving badly. Again.

Children Learn What They Live - by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness,
they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

What are our communities teaching their children?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Extra Ordinary Life Lessons

"Some things you have to do every day.
Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day
just isn't going to get the job done."
-- Jim Rohn

Well, you may have been wondering what happened after regaining My Extra Ordinary Vision. After that post I'm sure one would have thought that they would be hearing a lot more from me, more frequently. If so, you are not alone - I thought so too! I'm not sure how to explain it, but I think I had become a little "gun shy" in sharing that recaptured vision with anyone else - afraid to let them see it, lest they attempt to destroy it. So, I have been busy reconnecting with self and locking my "big picture" into a very strong vault for safe-keeping. I guess that it is time to go back to the very beginning, in one of my earliest posts (I think the third one I ever wrote) I proclaimed that to start blogging one has to overcome the fear of not having anything of value to say. I believe this is true for commenting on others' blogs as well, as I had mostly ceased to do that too.

In my 'compose posts' folder I currently have about a dozen started posts saved as drafts, but then somehow I always end up stopping my writing and haven't finished any of them to the point that they actually became real published posts. (This originally was one of those.) The rest of those thoughts are stagnating, stuck there living out their lives in a folder, never maturing beyond a "draft." I need to start over and change that. Tim Lautzenheiser, genius and leadership guru for high school band students (for those of you who are new here - my husband was a high school band director for fourteen years), has a saying that he imparts in all of his leadership seminars, "You're only worth what you give away and you can only give away what you have." So here I am, back to try and give away what I have acquired.

I am always fascinated to check my site statistics to see who is visiting and from where, how they got here, what they read and how long they stay. I never cease to be surprised, outright dumbfounded and humbled that someone I have never met (and probably never will) whom I don't even know their name will one day sit at their computer, Google something seemingly random and then stay for twenty or thirty minutes to read some things that I had to say, and then (wonder of all wonders). . . come back again later for more. I always ponder - What was the real impetus for their search? What did they think when their quest brought them here? I respect their silence, as I too am often a lurker, but sometimes I am filled with questions that I wish I could ask them.

I joke from time to time about my five regular readers, (used to be three -- and yes, I do have a little blog envy problem as my husband's blog has many, many readers) it appears though that slowly but surely, there are other lurkers out there who, if I hadn't checked my site statistics, I would never even be aware that they come and read and then come back for more. It is these miraculous wonders of people that make me feel slightly guilty that I have neglected posting for so long. It is a good feeling to know that someone in Gresham, Oregon or Atlanta, Georgia or Cincinnati, Ohio apparently thinks I have something of value to offer them. A nameless, faceless blogging comrade in Walpole, Massachusetts has even added me to her blog roll. WOW!?! How cool is that? Upon discovery of this I was extremely excited, amazed, honored, humbled and yes, dumbfounded! She has a wonderful blog called Care's Online Book Club. I am still a lurker there as well, but if you read this you should definitely check out what she has to say. I also get visitors from fun exotic places like the country of "Brunei Darussalam." I never even knew it existed until now. For those of you who also learn your geography through blogging - this small country is part of the island of Borneo in the South China Sea in Asia. Try Googling them, it looks like a very interesting place. For now, though, whoever you are in Gresham, Oregon, Atlanta, Georgia, Cincinnati, Ohio and Walpole, Massachusetts . . . THANK YOU!!! Even in your silent lurking you have given me a great gift! This post is here today because of you!

"There is no sudden leap to greatness.
Your success lies in doing, day by day.
Your upward reach comes from working well and carefully."
-- Max Steingart

For me life lessons usually come not all at once, but in a period of gradual realization that builds over time and then, **boom** I have this fully formed concept that seems so simple and idiot proof, but yet which really took me a long time to arrive it. Stand up comedian, Steven Wright, had a joke in his routine once that went something like this -

I don't have to walk my dog anymore.
I walked him all at once.

We went from Maine to Florida and then I said,

"Now you're done."

I think our contemporary society sometimes leads us to this type of thinking. I think a large segment of our culture somehow thinks that daily routines of certain sorts are somewhat primitive (and boring) and that we are far too sophisticated for something so rudimentary today. Instant gratification is sought in so many arenas. If success doesn't come quickly enough, often interest is lost in doing what needs to be done. On the other hand, one may also think things are going relatively well in a particular area of life, "I've already achieved a certain level of success here, phew, now I can coast for a while . . . I don't need to pay as much attention to that relationship or area of my health or that project at work. I can rest on my laurels. I can cross that off of my 'to-do' list for a while,". . . but then, somehow things catch up on us and what was going well has gradually gone to shambles without much fanfare or ado, in a way so slowly we were perhaps unaware of the descent until we find ourselves at the bottom of the pit and then wonder how we got there.

In my own life, I know the greatest successes were achieved when I dedicated myself little by little, inching daily towards my goals. When I was just showing up to do the work that needed to me done and trusting that our Creator will take care of the results. One area of my past history that I often try to keep from most people who didn't know me "when" is that between August 31, 2004 and December 2005 - I lost over 70 lbs. I have an endocrine condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that makes its victims insulin resistant and usually infertile and causes many other **FUN** little challenges to normal life, among them unexplained weight gain. In my mid-20's - early 30's I would put on 20 - 30 lbs. here and there without the blink of an eye, even thought I ate mostly normally, my body just wasn't processing the foods as it should. It was very frustrating and depressing. It took visiting several different doctors before getting a proper diagnosis and medication for treatment. However, the medicine did not make that much of a difference by it self. It most definitely stopped the weight gain, but it wasn't doing much to take off what was already there. Then in the end of summer 2004, I joined a gym. I was filled with determination that I was going to get my body and health back. I didn't going on some crazy diet, I didn't ban myself from all desserts, . . . I simply went to the gym EVERY DAY - sometimes twice a day and do the work that needed to be done. When I started and couldn't do even 5 minutes on the elliptical machine without thinking I needed to have paramedics on standby. I thought I was going to die. I became inspired watching the other seasoned regulars, whom also showed up every day. I didn't see any major differences from day to day, but I kept it up and one day I found myself 70 lbs. lighter and burning 1,000 calories in a 70 minute session on the elliptical machine. Then one day I went to Sam's Club and really had to struggle with the cashier to prove that I was indeed the person pictured on my membership card and on my driver's license. She thought I was trying to use someone else's card. Personally, I didn't think I had changed all that much because for me it had been so gradual and at the same time I was becoming involved with a new community of people who didn't know the "before" me. Sam's Club ending up making me get a new card with a new picture.

I don't know why I told this story - it seems like a "bird walk." It most definitely was not my intention as I usually keep a very close guard on the personal details of my life not only in the blog world but the real world as well. However, I sat down this morning and started typing and it just came out. Apparently there is someone who needs to hear that part of my story and I don't know who that is and may never know. So, I guess I will leave it here for all to read.

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task,
but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks
as if they were great and noble." -- Helen Keller

My husband and I just got back from a four day, three night weekend getaway to the mountains of North Carolina. It was the first we have taken any kind of trip that didn't involve work or visiting family in about 10 years. We always thought we had a great relationship, over the years we have talked about instituting the proverbial weekly "date night" that all the relationship gurus recommend but at times it seemed, we're doing fine, things are great, we don't need to add one more thing to our already full commitments and "to-do" lists. "That's for other people, not us." It is when we are fine and think we don't need to take the time for these daily rituals and things when seemingly all of a sudden months and years pass, then we feel the disconnect and say, man we really should have made that "date night" thing a priority. Ooooh, even saying it (date nitght) , my sensibilities make me think it sounds "hokey." One of my most inspiring bloggers, Mark, at "The Naked Soul" recently wrote an amazing post entitled "Slow Down Enjoy the Journey" about our societal views that we must always present ourselves as "busy" and feel embarrassed to tell our friends and co-workers that we schedule regular daily time for the refreshment of our souls and/or relationships. Somehow we fear we will be looked down upon as a less successful person. Recently my husband and I made a commitment to harness those small daily pockets of time to reconnect and more importantly a weekly evening to call our own and perhaps a quarterly weekend "getaway" and have made respecting them as an equally important commitment a new priority for us.

Initially I said this post was here because of the lurkers who surprisingly return again and again. But this post is also here because of the two bloggers who are my main inspiration and whose dedication to their passions causes me to aspire to be true to my own. They are writers, community builders, connectors, philosophers and deep thinkers. They regularly challenge the thinking of their readers. They already know the simple truth to the benefits of eating one apple a day as opposed to seven on a Saturday. They post nearly every day and I am sure that is the main reason for their blog world success. One day perhaps I can be more like them. Dan at Faith Dance and Mark at The Naked Soul this post is also here because of you too --THANK YOU!!! -- Your encouragement and welcome to me, a fledgling blogger, has been an awesome and incredible gift!

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
- Isaiah 43:18-19

So my life lesson leaves me recommitting to many things on a regular, recurring basis. Join me in the journey...where are you looking for success? Is it through the daily seemingly small things? I'm trying to remember that life is indeed more like a marathon than a series of disconnected sprints.

I am feeling a little childlike and nostalgic today so I will leave you with wisdom from the Rankin and Bass children's television Christmas Classic of the 1970's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town.":

Sing along if you like, I know I will be!

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

You never will get where you’re going,
If your never get up on your feet.
Come on, there's a good tail wind blowing,
A fast walking man's hard to beat.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

If you want to change your direction,
If your time of life is at hand,
Well don't be the rule, be the exception.
A good way to start is to stand.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn,
You mean that it's just my election,
To vote for a chance to be reborn.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.