Extra Ordinary Life Lessons

You can eat an elephant.
Oh, yes you can it's true.
They may be huge but not to worry,
they aren't too big for you.

Just how can I eat such a thing
that's so immense in size?
Just look at it in pieces
and make them all bite size.

You see to look from head to tail
can be a daunting task.
Many would just give up now
and let the elephant pass.

Look at it as if you can
eat it piece by piece,
It may take you a while,
but your goal you will reach.

So, next time you have a task
that is difficult to do,
Remember, you can eat an elephant
so take a piece and chew!

- www.funlol.com -

I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent, reasonably educated, relatively successful and well-adjusted person, but there are some areas of my life that there just seems to be a disconnect for one reason or another. I can set goals and achieve them, brainstorm, plan out a method of attack and then follow it through to completion. However, there are parts of my life that just seem to elude the whole process. Well to be perfectly honest, not whole areas of my life, but seemingly just certain tasks or individual problems that seem to avoid the transfer. Part of this I think stems from the fact that I have a strong desire to do well anything that I devote my time and energies to, I want to "do it right" or not at all. I tend to exclude the phrase "good enough" from my personal vocabulary, believing that something is either good or it is not, "good enough" doesn't often come to life in my world.

Don't do things half-assed. If a thing is worth doing at all, it's worth doing as well as you can possibly do it. Pick out something you think is worthwhile and do it or work at it with passion. Do it with all your might. -- Hugh Young

While this may be a great philosophy and value to uphold, it is paradoxically and simultaneously both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. When I undertake a task, I will do it to what I believe to be the best of my ability. However, this way of approaching the world sometimes keeps me from doing things that I really should do and that truly need to be done --things that would benefit from any level of devotion, even if the best is not available. The alternative approach I like to call the "Slip, Slop, Slap" method and it is one of my biggest pet peeves to see people engaging in the "Slip, Slop, Slap" on projects that I believe are important. (Just as a side note here - this is not a Bop original, but simply a borrowed phrase to which I've given new meaning, I must give credit where credit is due though. It is originally the campaign slogan for the Australian health initiative to reduce the risk of malignant melanoma in it's citizens. I first heard it several years ago and adopted it to describe a "half-assed" approach to things, but in it's orignial context it stands as a reminder for - "SLIP on a t-shirt, SLOP on some sunscreen, and SLAP on a hat" when one goes outside or is at the beach, which is an iniative I do support as one of my sisters is miraculously a melanoma survivor.)

Our strength grows out of our weaknesses. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

At any rate, I am in the process of attempting to grow and become more conscious and aware of how the paradoxical nature of this blessing/curse, that seems to be hard-wired into me, affects my life and my actions and achievements in order to hopefully learn to lessen the negatives and augment the positives that come along with it. One strategy that I am finding helpful these days is that of breaking down a formidable task into smaller, more bite-sized pieces, like how one goes about eating the proverbial elephant. I like to fancy myself a "big picture" kind of person, but I have come to realize that certain situations call for me to simply look at each section or segment of the picture individually and in doing so the "big picture" will take care of itself. Sometimes I may think that I cannot bring a particular project to the level of completion that would bring me a sense of satifisfaction because of limitations in time, energy, money or other resources and therefore avoid tackling it at all. However, I am learning that I may be able to bring just a small portion of it close to my overall vision and that, at times is "enough" for the moment.

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do. -- Helen Keller

All great masters are chiefly distinguished by the power of adding a second, a third, and perhaps a fourth step in a continuous line. Many a man had taken the first step. With every additional step you enhance immensely the value of your first. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

So it is with new acceptance and the embracing of a knowledge that perhaps I already knew in other areas of my life, that I celebrate this week the success of completing a home project and household task that has eluded me for so long. I am embarrased to confess to you exactly what it was, as it is such a seemingly simple chore for which most people (I think) eastablish a regular daily or weekly rituals and simply "just do it" as Nike says, often in popular "Slip, Slop, Slap" fashion, to be able to simply check the item off of their "To Do" list and move on with living. It takes me longer though to "do it right" and therefore I put it off until I have more time to complete the task in a manner I deem acceptable. Then with each avoidance it became a yet a bigger task that would take even more time to complete properly which in turn caused greater avoidance -- a negatively growing, self-feeding spiral.

One step at a time is all that's possible - even when those steps are taken on the run. -- Anne W. Schaef

There has been, for the last several month, a growing, nagging desire to finally "EAT this ELEPHANT" in my life. I reasoned, I am a fairly intelligent, reasonably educated, relatively successful and well-adjusted person in many areas of my life that this shouldn't be so hard. "It's not rocket science, it's a household chore," I prodded myself. When I set my mind to do something, I know that I can do it and do it well. It was just a matter of overcoming this disconnect in my thinking. As I allowed my consciousness to comtemplate the task and no longer avoid thinking about it, it became a challenge and I never turn down a challenge! So, I began small bite by ever seemingly small bite. The acomplishment of this task became a present and gift that I so wanted to be able give myself - first for Thanksgiving, then I thought it would be achieved by Christmas, . . .New Year's perhaps? Okay, I was making progress. Even if I still saw the whole elephant in my mind, when I forced myself to step back and really, truly look at him, there were significant portions of the elephant now missing-- his ears, his trunk, a couple of legs... "I can do this," I thought. Maybe for my birthday on the 22nd? Alas, life and work got in the way delaying progress each time I set an "end date." Then, I gave up setting an end date. Although my determination grew as I was getting a little tired of finding new, interesting, and tasteful ways to cook up the leftovers: elephant stew, elephant soup, Pink and White Elephant drinks, and even Tomato Basil Elephant Ears (now these were particualrly good though). I now had a desire to move onto other culinary tastes, focus on new goals and on Sunday, January 27th I finally used up the last of the elephant -- Success!!

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time. -- Joe Girard

Note to concerned wildlife and endangered species activists:

No actual elephants were harmed in the learning of this life lesson.

Extra Ordinary Gifts

What we are is God's gift to us.
What we become is our gift to God.
- Eleanor Powell

In rereading my #17 of the "Thirty-six things about me as I turn thirty-six..." list in my previous post, I had to stop and think about all of the great variety of things that I wanted to be "when I grew up" and how none of things that I actually became were on the list. I am not sure what that says about me, but I have pondered it a good deal. I will say that for the period of time that they made the list, I was whole-heartedly sincere in each of their choosing. I envisioned myself getting the required education and training for each job and really visualized having success in each field. I even wrote a letter to Sea World once (I think this was at age 10 or 11) to ask what it would take to become a marine biologist and killer whale trainer. The summer between my junior and senior year of high school I spent a month at a residential music camp in South Dakota and studied under one of the horn players from the Boston Pops. One time in high school we had Career Day and we got the opportunity to shadow professionals throughout their work day and ask them questions and get a first hand look into what their job was really like, there weren't any professional symphonies around so I went for my science love and shadowed a physical therapist. I entered college as a Biology major, a lead-in to several of the careers on my list and I still took horn lessons for credit. Somehow or other though, each thing on the list, upon further examination, became not quite something to which I felt I could dedicate my life.

Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained. - Marie Curie

As I grew in years and learned more about myself, I learned that what I really wanted to do in life was to somehow "make a difference." I know, it sounds like such a trite cliché. I would almost be embarrassed to say it if it were not so naively true. All of the things that did make the list and many of those that I actually did (but that didn't make the list) were inspired by individuals who were at one time or another at least moderately influential in my own life and whom I perceived to be making a positive difference in the lives of others (blogging included). So many people go through life on autopilot, I wanted to help them see the possibilities of something more and experience it. I think a large part of this stems in some way from watching my father progress through his cancer and die at such a young age (you can read a little more of my insight into this in this previous post), the other part, however, I think is just something that is innately hardwired into me. As I have matured though, I have learned that there are infinitely many ways to "make a difference" and that this goal can be accomplished through an equally great variety of venues.

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. -- Marian Wright Edelman

This past fall while I was still working as "Membership Coordinator" at the church where I was employed, I was assigned to be part of a team that created a spiritual gifts exploration workshop. The text we chose was called Network. From a ministry oriented perspective its goal was "Getting the right people, in the right places, for the right reasons, at the right time." From a personal growth tool perspective its goal was to help individuals discover their God-given gifts which work together to form their own personal servant profile which is a combination of your passion (that indicates where you should serve), your spiritual gifts (that indicates what you should do) and your personal style (that indicates how you should serve). The problem with this program as it manifested itself in this particular location was that the message above the table was that there are inifintely many combinations of passions, gifts, and styles and all are equally valid and essential to function together to form the "Body of Christ," but the thinly veiled message was that some combinations were unacceptable. If you read my post on Extra Ordinary Community, you will understand this is one of the reasons why I chose to leave that position and ultimately that community. But the initial concept of such a program is one I truly supported and would recommend to anyone wishing to explore their own gifts.

We all have different gifts and different ways of saying to the world who we are. The world needs a sense of worth, and it will achieve it only by its people feeling they are worthwhile. - Fred Rogers

Through my own participation in the inaugural session of our "God's Gift's" workshop, I was able to not necessarily discover things about myself that I didn't already know, but rather get a sense of affirmation that my own talents and skills and passions were indeed legitimate and God given, not just something that I accidentally stumbled upon over the years. It gave me even more confidence to move on and away. In my personal quest to "make a difference," I have spent many years helping other people to follow their dreams and realize their own potential. I saw things and people and missions that I believed in for the greater good and I wanted to help to make them bigger and more grand than they would otherwise be. Because of this, in one sense, I thought I didn't really have any gifts of my own, just helping other people with their gifts, but then lo and behold I discovered that "Helps" or helping others is a spiritual gift in and of itself. Surprise, surprise..."Helps" turned out to be my number one spiritual gift!

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? But eagerly desire the greater gifts. - 1 Corinthians 12:27-31

I recently read John C. Maxwell's book, Talent is Never Enough: Discovering the Choices that Will Take You Beyond Your Talent. It is an amazing book that I highly recommend if you are interested in personal development, although I am a big fan of all of Maxwell's work, so my opinion may be biased. In the first chapter (p.17) he tells a story that really stuck with me and I want to relay it here. He says -

Executive coach Joel Garfinkle recounts a story by writer Mark Twain in which a man died and met Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Immediately realizing that Saint Peter was a wise and knowledgeable individual, the man inquired, "Saint Peter, I have been interested in military history for many years. Tell me who was the greatest general of all time?"

Saint Peter quickly responded, "Oh, that's a simple question. It's that man right over there."

You must be mistaken," responded the man, now very
perplexed. "I knew that man on earth and he was just a common laborer."

"That's right my friend," assured Saint Peter. "He would have been that greatest general of all time, if he had been a general."

Did it stop you in your tracks? It did me when I first read it. Perhaps that is because my interests have been so diverse over the years. When I was younger (in my twenties) I used to sometimes play the "What if..." Game: What if . . . I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing? What if . . . I was really meant to pursue one of those careers on the list? Horrible game - I don't recommend it to anyone, but I think it is par for the course of development in one's twenties. As I entered my thirties and became "more comfortable in my own skin" as they say, I became more confident in simply being who I was created to be. My other top gifts that weave together to form the persona of “Bop” were creative communication, administration, mercy, apostleship, encouragement and faith. I think sometimes the greatest challenge lies in being the best "Bop". . . "BRKM". . . "Barbara". . . simply the best version of me that God created and as far as I know, I'm the only one exactly like me. If I don't become the best version of me, the world may miss out on having what I have been given to offer.

If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause and say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sometimes we see the gifts all nicely wrapped with pretty paper and fancy bows and we are afraid to open them. They look too good from the outside, we think. They couldn't possibly be for us, could they?? We are afraid to own the best versions of ourselves and open all of the gifts. The Creator has packed our figurative bags with all that we need to be successful, we just need to accept and open the gifts we have been given and then use them to the best of our abilities to make the world a better place because we were in it.

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. - 1 Peter 4:10-11

Here's to your gifts and mine my friends! If you haven't already, start opening them today...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most.
We ask ourselves,
‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?’
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And when we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson, American author and lecturer

Extra Ordinary Me!

A diplomat is a man who remembers a woman's birthday

but never remembers her age.- Robert Frost

Sir Francis Bacon (1561), Lord Byron (1788), Steve Perry (1949), Diane Lane (1965), and me (1972). Last year I got my first grey hair -- small tragedy I know, especially to those of you who have had them for some time (my husband included)-- but somehow I always thought they would hold off a little longer. Moms always blame getting grey hairs on their kids, I do not have that luxury. No time for a pity party though as they came without much fanfare or ado, just nonchalantly appearing one day. I am now officially closer to 40 than I am to 30 as I celebrate my 36th completed year! Although I think I can still buy myself some time in delaying the classification "middle-aged," I no longer qualify for my "early 30's" either.

This is the year I will have known my husband for an equal amount of time that I have lived without knowing him. I will also have lived half of my life now as a South Carolinian. I am not necessarily where I thought I would be in my life journey at this stage of the game, but overall I am satisfied with the choices I have made and believe that I am exactly where I need to be, learning, growing, and each day coming closer to my authentic self.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

At any rate, I see birthdays as a time of personal celebration and life reflection. I am very happy to have as many as I will be given, as it is much better than the alternative. I haven't posted in a while and at the rate I am going it will take me several years to get to my 100th post and the requisite "100 Things About Me". . . so for the curious or bored, I will leave you with this -

Thirty-six things about me as I turn thirty-six:

1. I am the youngest of six children (three boys, three girls).


2. The first five siblings in my family are each between 18 and 24 months apart, however I am 8 years and four months younger than my next closest sibling in age. The oldest turned 51 this past November.


3. I have thirteen nieces and nephews ranging in age from 13 to 28, I am a godmother to four of them and I have two grandnieces!


4. I was born and raised until just before high school in a suburb of Buffalo, NY called Cheektowaga, which is an Iroquois Indian word that means "Land of the Crabapple Tree."


5. My Dad died of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma when he was 48 and I was 6.


6. Two of my siblings have had cancer – one with malignant melanoma and thyroid cancer and the other prostate cancer. One is now cancer free after several years of an arduous struggle and the other is currently in the midst of his difficult battle.


7. I am mostly of Prussian ancestry. I think it’s a lot more fun than saying I’m just plain old German, but if I’m really in a playful mood and want to puzzle you, I’ll tell you at I’m least part Kashubian. Not up on your European history?? If you’re really interested, I’ll let you look it up.


8. I am 5’4” tall with brown hair and brown eyes and I think my best physical features are my eyes and my smile.


9. I have lived in three states: New York, Florida, and South Carolina and my travels outside of the U.S. only include Canada, Mexico, and the Bahamas. My favorite method of travel is by train, as the journey is sometimes the best part of the trip!


10. I feel equally at home and comfortable in a big city as I do in a small town or rural area, but I really don't like cookie cutter suburbs filled with subdivisions, strip malls, and all the same “big box” chains and restaurants. Ironically though, I have lived most of my life in such suburbs.


11. The next big trip within the U.S. that my husband and I want to take is to see The Grand Canyon.


12. I hope to someday have enough money and time to travel around the world – I was going to tell you my “Must See” places, but I can’t really think of a place that given the opportunity, I would say, “No I’m really not interested in going there.”


13. For a short time in my early teens I was a competitive synchronized swimmer.


14. In eighth grade I tried out for the boys soccer team (there wasn’t a girls team at my new school), made the first cut but then talked myself out of continuing with it. Needless to say, one of the movies I loved to watch when I was an early teen was "Quarterback Princess" with Helen Hunt...and this past summer I was one of the five people who went to see "Gracie" during it's short run in the theaters.


15. My first car was a brand new blue Chevy Cavalier that I got when I was eighteen, kept for over ten years and logged over 300,000 miles on it with no major mechanical repairs. My dream car would have been a ’67 Mustang, but my Mom was doing the purchasing and she wanted something "more reliable”…guess it doesn’t get much more reliable than that.


16. On the way home from college during my freshman year Christmas break I fell asleep at the wheel on top of a bridge and took out a big section of the concrete railing without falling off the bridge (It was less than ten miles from my home after driving more than 500 miles). The front driver’s side quadrant of the car was ruined, but I sustained no physical damage to my person.


17. Things I wanted to be "when I grew up” at various stages of life that never materialized (in no particular order): a cancer researcher, a dentist, a marine biologist and killer whale trainer at Sea World, a professional horn player for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, a physical or occupational therapist, a forest ranger, a farmer, an agricultural development researcher, librarian, a botanist, a biology teacher, an elementary school teacher, an entrepreneur, and a graphic designer.


18. Once when we were first married in 1992, my husband and I did a week’s worth of grocery shopping with a roll of dimes, a roll of nickels, a box full of coupons, and the grocery store’s buy one, get one free sales flyer.


19. When I was a child (maybe 7 or 8?) I was so moved by the stories of the people on the Jerry Lewis’ Labor Day weekend muscular dystrophy telethon that I went door to door on all the streets in my neighborhood to collect money for it and then had my Mom drive me down to the local TV station to turn it in. I did this for several years in a row, now as an adult I rarely even remember that it is on.


20. When I was little I had an imaginary friend named “Match.” Go figure! Don’t ask, because I don’t know either …


21. There were over 600 people in my high school graduating class in Florida, I went to school with everything from the very rich to the very poor…I decided I liked the very poor better. My classes were a veritable league of nations…I had acquaintances who were from Iran, India, Pakistan, and all sorts of interesting places…we didn’t think much about it at the time, but looking back with today’s current events it would have made for a much more interesting experience I’m sure. If I had stayed in my original school system in Cheektowaga, NY there would have been about 90 kids in my class, all white middle class, mostly Roman Catholic and Polish.


22. I LOVE to ride my bicycle, it has been a life-long love, but other than my bright red tricycle that my parents purchased for me when I was three, any bicycle I had over the years was given to me used by someone else or the last one was purchased new by my husband’s parents as a gift, but I’ve never gotten to pick out my own bike!


23. I am normally a pretty practical person, but when I decide to splurge on something for myself it will most likely be earrings, fancy stationary/cards, cool gourmet specialty foods, BOOKS, fun hats, and really nice drawing pencils and a sketch book.


24. My favorite season of the year is autumn and on the first truly cool day after the heat of summer, I like to make pumpkin bread as a celebration.


25. I don’t like people who are impatient with children, the elderly, and/or the disabled. We were all young once, if we are lucky we will get to old age, and disabled is a matter of perspective - we are all less able in our own ways.


26. My favorite junk food is a chili cheese hot dog (I am a hot dog snob though, I only like the good ones) and I am a dark chocolate and cocoa connoisseur…is 88% cacao too much?


27. My favorite thing to eat for breakfast is oatmeal with almonds and fruit.


28. I am a “Luthcopalian” (a term coined by my dear friend for someone who was Lutheran but converted to Episcopalianism) Right now though I feel like a woman without a country, finding a place to fit in neither of those communities locally.


29. I believe in the power of prayer and taking the time to connect with our creator.


30. One of my favorite things to do is watch the moon rise over the ocean. One day I hope to be able to take a really good picture of it.


31. One of my pet peeves is people who just kind of/sort of put their grocery shopping cart back in the general direction of the parking lot cart corral instead of just taking the extra couple of seconds to do it “right.” I have been known to take other people's stray carts to the corral on my way with mine and then organize them when I get there to take up the least amount of space possible and allow the most carts to fit. Crazy – I know! A little OCD, maybe?


32. I buy organic whenever I can afford it and am a dedicated recycler.


33. I love snow and icicles, especially appreciating the individual beauty of each flake.


34. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving because it brings together family and friends without any hard and fast "rules" for celebration and it is not necessarily tied to religious observances or overly commercialized. It is simply about being thankful and showing gratitiude for the people and things that add meaning to you life and the blessings you have been given through them.


35. I would describe myself as curious and adventurous, I love to learn new things and meet new people.


36. I got the nickname Bop from one of my nieces when she was just learning to talk, my given name is Barbara, but my family typically calls me Barb or Barbie and when she tried to say “Aunt Barb” it came out “Aunt Bop” and it just stuck. I don’t know... I just liked it and it seemed to fit, so I kept it. That niece will turn 22 this year!

Extra Ordinary Gratitude

Be joyful always; pray continually;

give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18

2007 has come to an end. If I were to think of one word to express or sum up the things I have experienced in the past twelve months it would, without a doubt, be dichotomy. So many things I saw or heard or encountered were seemingly contradictory. Had I been given the option back in December of 2006 to choose what my life would look like for the then upcoming year, I'm not so sure I would have chosen what I ended up living, but in retrospect I am indeed thankful for every moment of it. I have grown, I have changed, and I have learned something from all that I experienced. In conducting my mental review though, I cannot help but think of Charles Dickens' opening to Tale of Two Cities:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

I began this past year facing a series of chest x-rays and an MRI for a lump that developed and enlarged in around my collar bone and upper rib during 2006. I had put them off until after holidays, but January 3rd there was no more waiting. They were unable to find anything definitive and unless I wanted to engage in an exploratory surgery, watch and wait was my only option. I have a lot of cancer in my family, so it was a little disconcerting but I elected do the watch and wait nonetheless. Today I can still tell you exactly where it is, but it has shrunk a good deal and I am not conscious of it on a day-to-day basis as I have been in the past, so I guess for now it will remain just one of those mysterious things. I learned to have trust and faith that I would be led to make the best decisions at a time when there were no definitive answers, to accept that I would be protected and cared for by our Creator.

It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing. - Norman Cousins.

The wish for healing has ever been the half of health. - Hippolytus

The beginning of the year was also filled with the great excitement and anticipation of the beginning of a new job on permanent basis where I had worked temporarily in the fall of 2006. I originally thought it would be a destination where I would stay for a much longer period of time. However, I was soon to discover that what I envisioned my purpose there to be was going to be vastly different from what God envisioned that purpose for me to be. Where I saw a period, He only meant for there to be a comma. It was simply just one of the facets of the year-long graduate level fortitude course He enrolled me in, without my consent. In this job which lasted eleven of the past twelve months, I learned many lessons about friendship, Christ-like love (or the absence of it), communities, public personas vs. private lives and what happens when ordinary people experience extraordinary pain. In the end, what I first saw as a place of arrival, was simply to be a 'layover' in my journey to another place. Once I came to that acceptance, I could simply take it all in and store what I had learned for future use.

Then Job replied to the LORD : "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted..." - Job 42:2

In the middle of the year, I watched as my husband said goodbye to his career of fourteen years, and a passion we both had shared for many of them. It was a love of music and music education that had initially brought us together in the early stages of our relationship, but an environment that we had both outgrown. The situation presented it's own financial and emotional struggles. We learned what it means to have your identity so wrapped up in a career that somehow you lose a portion of yourself and what it means to redefine yourself in a way that is true to your inner most being. We learned what it takes to truly live a more financially balanced life and the differences between wants and needs and what we were willing to give up to meet our basic needs. For a while the prospect of giving up the expense of our house was a nearing reality, but ultimately that did not come to pass.

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship. - Louisa May Alcott

In the middle of August we found ourselves at a place in our fifteen year old married relationship (and seventeen years of being best friends) that we didn't know how to navigate on our own. It was not a place we ever thought that we would end up; there were no rule books or game plans ready to follow and we made some mistakes. We found who we like to call, "Our paid friend, George" and he gave us some maps and a compass to help us find our way out of the woods. We are still in the process of forging this new path out of the wilderness together that will be the foundation for the next season of our lives. We learned that relationships don't run on auto-pilot. We learned that if you lose sight of where you are going, you're going to get lost. We learned to see each other with new eyes and with a new appreciation for the people who we had emerged into while we were each busy in our own ways doing work to hopefully make the world a better place. We re-learned what we value in each other and that nothing is to be taken for granted, especially in relationships. We learned how to fall in love again. We learned to say, "Chow Funs!"

That's not why I'm saying Chow Funs. I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood you’re in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time. And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up! . . . And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine. And God you're a good friend and good friends are hard to find. . . And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of? That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again, even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yen the yang. The best of times, the worst of times! I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, that doesn't really apply here does it? What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you!

- Katie Jordan (Michelle Pfeiffer), The Story of Us, 1999

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly – Sam Keen

The end of October found us with a home equity loan to purchase two new vehicles, one brand new and one new to us, as well as a little extra to tide us over financially until I got my new job, career path and mission that began in December and my husband got a promotion to assistant manager (second in command) at his new career in retail sales.

The holidays which for us were once about creating memories for others with music making through parades and concerts and choir singing, became a season where my husband's work was directly involved in the crazy holiday shopping scene-- something we ourselves usually tried to avoid. Our schedules were different, the experience was different. We each had our own emotions and memories of Christmases past and hopes for Christmases of the future. Christmas of the present was simply about being joyful in the moment for the simple pleasures of life and the blessings we had received in the past year, even if they often came in disguise. We didn't put up any decorations or tree, but we shared our favorite traditional Christmas Eve dinner, drove around the neighborhood to admire everyone else's displays of lights and we worshiped and connected with our Creator and Savior, for the first time in a long time just as visitors of the congregation where we were not members and not directly as participants in the service among friends and acquaintances we had grown to know and love.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. -- Linus Van Pelt, A Charlie Brown
Christmas, 1965

It was a year of many blessings that arrived packaged as challenges. At first we were afraid to open them, but once we did we had the ability to grow and change and learn and love in a whole new way. We also were given the gift of strengthen relationships from acquaintances who became friends, some rather unexpectedly and new people who arrived in our life that we never knew existed in the beginning of last year - some of whom brought a whole set of blessings and gifts of their own with their arrival - some of them are here in the blog world! We are at a better place now than we were before the experiences of 2007 and we wouldn't have arrived here without them. For that I am extraordinarily grateful!

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. - John Vance Cheney

As we each look ahead with hopes and dreams and goals for 2008, I leave these words and wishes for you, my friends in the blog world:

May God give you...
For every storm a rainbow,
for every tear a smile,
for every care a promise
and a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share,
for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.
- Traditional Irish Blessing

Happy New Year!

Extra Ordinary Endings

"You matter because you are you and
you matter to the last moment of your life,

and we will do everything we can
not only to help you die peacefully

but to live until you die"
- Dame Cecily Saunders, MD, Hospice Founder

Thus marks the beginning of my new career in extraordinary endings. My new job is somewhat of a paradox, but I love every minute of it and am excited about the possibilities that lie before me at the beginning of this journey. For the first time I am working in a non-profit type role in a (very much) for-profit company. I am the new regional volunteer coordinator for a hospice company. My territory currently includes seven counties in the eastern part of our state. A lot of people are unfamiliar with what hospice really is and what it does unless they have had cause to experience it first hand through the end of the life of a loved one. Therefore when people ask me what it is I do now, sometimes I am not sure they come away with an accurate representation of my new position when they offer a rather generic, "Oh, that sounds nice." Just as a side note here - I absolutely hate the word "nice." I think it is the most overused demeaning, seemingly positive, yet insincere adjective I know - but that's a blog post for another day!

The concept of a for profit company even having a segment of their mission that incorporates volunteers can be confusing. Even at my company orientation, the opening session was a mix of all their new employees regardless of role or position within the company and we all decided to go out to lunch together and one of the others at the orientation was just fascinated with the concept of my job - how I could have a paid position to entice people to give up their free time to volunteer for something. Obviously she had never been passionate enough about something before to contribute to a cause or organization with no hopes of receiving anything tangible in return. I felt a little sorry for her in that regard.

We make a living by what we do, but we make a life by what we give. --Winston Churchill

I have been the recipient of love and service, therefore I can love and serve. There is great satisfaction in service to others, in . . . seeing people and their conditions change. --Clarence E. Hodges

So what exactly do I do now? My in-laws are still perplexed...the questions they ask me let me know that they just don't get it...but over the years, I've learned to be okay with that. When one's choices don't necessarily follow convention, one has to expect (or perhaps the word I should use is accept) the questions.

If you want to be successful, know what you are doing, love what you are doing, and believe in what you are doing. - Will Rogers

Hospice care is more about living than dying. It is about adding value to everyday life, especially at a time when you are most aware of its limit. The treatment goal of hospice is to enable patients to continue an alert, pain-free life and to manage other symptoms so that their last days may be spent with dignity and quality surrounded by their loved ones. Through an inter-disciplinary team which includes a physician, registered nurse, social worker, bereavement counselor, spiritual counselor and volunteers, hospice works to provide the best care for both patient and family, striving not only to meet the physical needs but also the emotional needs of the patient and the family. Hospice is not necessarily a place, but a concept of care that is expressly tailored to each individual patient's needs, wishes, and desires and to alleviate the fears most commonly associated with a terminal illness.

It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

So why the volunteers? Volunteers are an essential and valuable component in the whole hospice picture. They are not paid professionals, they are regular people, just like our patients and their families, with an enormous amount of caring and compassion for their fellow man. The patient and their family know that this person is there simply because they truly care and are receiving no compensation for their service. Patient care volunteers come in many forms, shapes, sizes and ages, just like our patients. They can be as young as 14 (with parent permission) or as old as 84 (obviously there is no real upper age limit). They offer emotional support to our patients and their families through dedicating 1-3 hours per week of their time, talents, caring and compassion to meet the needs of others. They can visit with the patient to provide relief to other care givers, run errands for the family, make a meal, send cards, arrange flowers, do yard work, read a book to the patient or perhaps children in the family, play a game, do a puzzle, laugh, listen to stories, scrapbook, walk the dog, do laundry, make phone calls, help the patient write a letter, look at old photos, give a back rub, watch tv or a video with the patient, record memories, set up a bird feeder, empty trash, plant flowers, help with hair care or nails, teach relaxation techniques, . . . the possibilities are endless, but can all be summed up with one word, LOVE. Volunteers simply extend unconditional love to the patient and his or her family through simple acts of service and caring.

In this troubled world, it's refreshing to find someone who still has the time to be kind. Someone who still has the faith to believe that the more you give, the more you receive. Someone who's ready by thought, word, or deed to reach out a hand, in the hour of need. -- Helen Steiner Rice

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia

And what exactly is your role, Bop? Good question! Medicare requires that 5% of all patient bedside hours spent by paid professionals - physicians, nurses, chaplains, social workers, and aides are matched with volunteer hours (i.e.- for every 100 hours our employees spend with a patient, our volunteers must also spend 5 hours in service to the patients and families). My role is to educate the community about hospice, then recruit, train, manage, retain, and recognize our volunteers as well as to help conduct bereavement camps or day workshops several times a year for grieving children and teens. I also must coordinate community building group volunteer projects that do not necessarily involve care, but benefit our patients in other ways. These groups could include church or ministry groups, school clubs, civic organizations, scouts or any other group that likes to engage in acts of service for the good of others and they could do things like helping to role patient packs for the nurses to take into the homes that include trash bags and paper towels, knitting lap blankets or slippers, doing yard work or car care, arranging flowers, making cards, etc. almost as limitless as the individual volunteer opportunities but do not involve direct patient care and are done together as a group.

Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received - only what you have given: a full heart, enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage. -- Saint Francis of Assisi

In that my work includes publicity and public relations, speaking to groups, administrative duties, teaching and training, event planning (banquets, workshops), a little graphic design and writing (brochures and newsletters), travel and many other things that are necessary to fulfill the goals of my position. On a day-to day basis, I work independently and right now my home office is where I do most of my computer and paper work, but I also function as part of several larger teams, not only the company's volunteer coordinator team, but also the interdisciplinary teams in each county and partnering with each county's community relations director. I think I function best this way, I like to be able to contribute to a larger team to accomplish goals greater than I could ever achieve alone, but I also like to have some freedom and independence. I also love that my work requires a great variety of tasks in a variety of locations as I get more satisfaction from my work when I am able to engage in a variety of activities. All in all, I would never have told you a year ago that I would want to work for a hospice organization, the thought never would have occurred to me, but now I could not think of a better match for my skills set, passions and personal life experiences.

Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected, unplanned by me. - Carl Sandburg

None of us knows what the next change is going to be, what unexpected opportunity is just around the corner, waiting a few months or a few years to change all the tenor of our lives. - Kathleen Norris

Extra Ordinary Beginnings

There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world

and give birth to new ideas and ventures.

There are times of flourishing and abundance,

when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding.

And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end.

They have reached their climax

and must be harvested before they begin to fade.

And finally of course,

there are times that are cold, and cutting and empty,

times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream.

Those rhythms in life are natural events.

They weave into one another as day follows night,

bringing, not messages of hope and fear,

but messages of how things are.
- Chogyam Trungpa

With the arrival of the season of Advent on Sunday, December 2, the beginning of a new liturgical year, I was fittingly off to begin a long awaited new adventure of my own. I love the seasons and cycles of life that provide order and meaning to our days, the peaks and valleys, the days of celebration and sadness. This particular ending and beginning happened so naturally and smoothly, I can attribute it to nothing other than divine intervention. In the beginning of October when I decided my time at my current job was done, that I had fulfilled my purpose there to the best of my ability, I began adamantly searching for new employment. The quality of my work was plummeting because I no longer believed in the mission of the organization. I saw glimpses of myself slipping into becoming a person that I did not want to be, so for preservation of self, I believed I had to move on. I daily checked every online job listing service that I could find as well as our local newspaper. I applied for everything that I was even remotely qualified to do and sent out dozens of resumes. With my husband's also recent career change this past summer, my income was, for the first time, vital and essential to our well being, so I could not walk away from my situation without a replacement for that income. I didn't just want a "job" though, I wanted and needed a mission and a purpose, something to which I could feel good about making a valuable contribution, something to help me regain my spirit after experiencing the ills of community that I talked about in my previous post.

People have to feel needed. Frequently, we just offer a job and ‘perks.’ We don’t always offer people a purpose. When people feel there is a purpose and that they’re needed, there’s not much else to do except let them do the work. - Maya Angelou

November rolled around, up to that point I had gotten no bites whatsoever. No one even remotely expressed an interest. One day (Monday, November 5th) I was just distraught and feeling a little empty, I wanted to see and experience the goodness in humanity again. During my lunch hour, after returning to the building from making my regular runs to the post office to pick up the daily mail and bank to make the weekly deposit, I got out of my car and I just wasn't ready to re-enter the building. I was feeling spent. Without forethought or purpose, I wandered onto the trail in the woods that surrounded our building and about midway through the trail I sat down on a bench and just started to cry and cry and cry for no apparent reason (As a side note I must convey that I am normally not a particularly emotional person - I usually do fairly well with keeping a balanced perspective on things.).

Then, I began to have a long talk with God, I emptied my heart to Him. I told Him that as much as I was ready to move one, that if it was His will for me to remain there and that there was still work that He needed for me to do and a purpose that I needed to fulfill at that place, that I would indeed stay. But I told Him I had lost my faith in humanity and if I was to be successful, he needed to give me something to hold on to and make that purpose in staying blatantly obvious so that I had something on which to focus and direct my energies. I didn't know what else to say. I laid down on the bench with my face to the sky in an attempt to regain my composure and just take a few minutes to enjoy the sights and sounds of a beautiful fall day in the woods. While I was in that position, I watched as a large pine cone high on the top of one of the nearby trees let go and fell to the earth. In attempts to provide a mental picture - pine cones in coastal South Carolina from our ever plentiful Long Leaf Pine trees (Pinus palustris Miller) are no small, laughing matter. The trees tower 80-100 ft. in the sky, mostly trunk with a crown at the top and the pine cones are typically 8 - 12 inches in length with an appropriate balance to their girth. This one was no exception. I took this as a sign that it was time for me to go inside, so I walked over and picked up the cone for safe keeping, finished out the trail and headed back to my desk.

The next morning as I was getting ready for work I got a call for an interview. It was the only response I ever got from any of the resumes that I sent out. The interview was to take place the following morning in Columbia, a 2 1/2 hour drive from my home. I had no expectations, I just thought it would be a fun day trip and stress release to get away alone with my thoughts and the road for a while, if nothing else. I was more confident and at ease than I had ever been in an interview -- after all I had just told God that I was willing to stay in my current position, so nothing was really weighing on this moment. I was free to just be the best version of myself.

During the course of the interview my future boss told me that she had only been in her position with this company a little over a year, but that "this job had restored her faith in humanity!" Coincidence? I think not! The interview lasted over 90 minutes, at the end of which I was sent home with the training manual and my interviewer was showing me the employee section of their website. Our conversation had flowed easily and we really seemed to "click" however I was told that the following day they would be conducting a few more interviews, one with someone from already inside the company and that they would be making their decision rather quickly, she hoped within a few days. I sent my requisite thank you letter and I waited over a week without hearing anything. I checked with my references - they were never contacted (to this day). I had been excited and energized after the interview, but again I was ready to let go. The next day, (Thursday, November 16th) I got "The Call." After making the offer, the HR manager asked if I needed some time to think it over before making my decision. I tried not sound too excited when I expressed, "No, I don't need any time to think it over, I will definitely accept the position." The next day, I gave my two weeks notice. A weight had been lifted.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
- Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

Finally, my time had come! Sunday, December 2nd, I entered a new chapter in The Life of Bop with a four and a half hour trip to the company's corporate headquarters, two nights stay in a really nice hotel, two days filled with orientation and training sessions, all for an extra ordinary beginning.

"Every end is a new beginning."

Extra Ordinary Community

Community has the power to shape or destroy us.

The above thought was taken from a May 17, 2007 blog post by Lilian Calles Barger (author, speaker and founder of The Damaris Project - an ongoing dialog for women on 'how spirituality informs our daily lives and work.') entitled No Name Woman. In the post she was referring to a story set in rural China by the same title that appeared in a larger work, The Woman Warrior: Memoirs of a Girlhood Among Ghosts written by Chinese-American author Maxine Hong Kingston. This thought of community having the power to shape or destroy us struck a sharp chord with me when I read it because it is a truth I have known for most all of my life seeing in practice communities both shaping and destroying the lives of their members. It has long been my hope and mission to help create communities that uplift their members and immediately upon reading it, I added the above thought to my collection of quotations and have returned to it time and again in the past six months. Never more intimately in my own life have I known one community to so strongly and passionately do both - shape and destroy - than from what I have experienced and witnessed in the community from which I have now chosen to leave being an active part.

Great bodies of people are never responsible for what they do.
- Virginia Wolfe

The American city should be a collection of communities where every member has a right to belong. It should be a place where every man feels safe on his streets and in the house of his friends. It should be a place where each individual's dignity and self-respect is strengthened by the respect and affection of his neighbors. It should be a place where each of us can find the satisfaction and warmth which comes from being a member of the community of man. This is what man sought at the dawn of civilization. It is what we seek today. - Lyndon B. Johnson

Community. Merriam-Webster defines it as follows:

com·mu·ni·ty Pronunciation: \kə-ˈmyü-nə-tē\ Function: noun 1 : a unified body of individuals: as a: state, commonwealth b: the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly: the area itself [the problem of a large community] c: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location d: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society [a community of retired persons] e: a group linked by a common policy f: a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic, and political interests [the international community] g: a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society [the academic community] 2: society at large 3 a: joint ownership or participation [community of goods] b: common character : likeness c: social activity : fellowship d: a social state or condition

If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth. -- Mitsugi Saotome

Once upon a time in a college English class I was assigned to write a position paper on John Donne's Meditation XVII, No Man is an Island, arguing either that one could or could not function without being an integral part of our larger humanity. For the most part, I fancy myself a fairly strong-willed, independent, non-conformist that marches to the beat of her own drum. I wanted to argue with every fiber of my being that a man (or woman) could indeed be 'an island,' standing alone. At nineteen I had already been witness to communities doing their shaping and destroying, "I could be a hermit (and a darn good one at that!)," I thought. I was so self-assured at the time! Still today the prospect of a hermitage is my escape fantasy when the world around me goes bad. Then, however, I think of the caring, loving, compassionate people who have in a positive way helped to shape me into the person I've become, the people who have added great value to my life...I couldn't be who I am without their influence. I would most definitely want to take some of them with me - GRRR! Darn, There goes the hermitage! As far as my college English paper, I ended up so conflicted between my desire to believe that I could indeed be an island and that inner nagging that told me I could not, that I elected to take a zero and simply not write the paper. If I can't do something well (or at the very least the way I would like to, on my own terms) I sometimes refrain from doing it all.

"There is no such thing as a "self-made" man.
We are made up of thousands of others.
Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us,
or spoken one word of encouragement to us,
has entered into the make-up of our character
and of our thoughts, as well as our success."
- George Matthew Adams

“Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared is doubled.” - Swedish Proverb

My passion and my life work has been to contribute to the building of powerful, positive, good, life-changing communities (the kind that can proudly say they make a difference) in whatever form that may manifest itself. Sometimes it has been for pay, many times it has not. Sometimes it has been focused on taking care of the minute details that others take for granted which help to create the whole experience, doing the grunt work; sometimes it has been in envisioning, creating and executing large plans and programs. Most of the time it has been some combination of the two. Making copies or taking out the trash can have equal value to brainstorming and executing program ideas when one sees them all as a part of the 'Big Picture.'

My husband of fifteen years and I live a fairly modest lifestyle (just as an example: we were a one-car family for over 12 years) and were fortunate enough for the fourteen years he was a director of bands for that to be our primary income and for my income (when it existed) to be 'a bonus.' In that I have never had to compromise my integrity for the purpose of making money. I realize that this is a grand luxury many people do not afford themselves. It makes you look at the world differently; it changes the way you think. I still believe in the cliche, "Do what you love and the money will come." So far it has served me well.

We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle of friends. Someplace where we can be free. - Starhawk

When I reflect on the past year of my life, it has been one of great turmoil and change instigated by the hands of 'community,' communities that I had grown to love. "Great bodies of people are never responsible for what they do." - Virginia Wolfe At the same time though, there have been small sub-groups, individuals of those communities, who have uplifted and sustained me in my journey. While my husband was a band director, we shared the vision of creating a community in which young people could flourish and grow, teaching leadership skills and team building...the musical contests and competitions were all secondary to the building of better people. The teaching of music and performance skills was simply a tool and venue through which to achieve the end goal of building better people. A small, very negative and very vocal group of people took away his passion and wanted to compromise his vision. He chose instead to step away from his career only half-way through.

Also in this past year, I had been working for a church under the title of "Membership Coordinator" but really doing a job which encompassed many aspects of community building. This was most definitely an example of "do what you love and the money will come," as I had begun doing a lot of volunteer work there before being offered a position of employment. This community had transformed my own life for the better in the previous three years by embodying a spirit of Christ-like love. Then, I watched from the sidelines in horror and despair as another very negative, hurting and hurtful group of six people destroyed the life and ministry of their leader, all in the name of doing good. I did the things that I could along the way to attempt to change or stop the snowballing process, but I did not have the power to alter the course of their actions. Now I can only reflect and attempt to learn something valuable from what transpired. My husband was discussing the two parallel situations with one of his current co-workers the other day, to which his co-worker replied, 'the only difference between Christians and non-Christians is that Christians supposedly know better, but act poorly towards their fellow man anyway.' The sad thing is the truth in that statement. Because I have experienced them at their best, belonging to a community of faith has long been a part of my identity, but at times I have been ashamed for the association.

If men would consider not so much where they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world. - Joseph Addison

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt. -- Frederick Buechner

In her blog post cited above Lilian Calles Barger communicated, "The ability to just get up and leave, or to determine the course of their lives, is one few women in the world know." I realize that to have that ability and not take advantage of it would be criminal as I am blessed with living in a nation of relative freedom. The questions I often ask myself when deciding to take leave of a community are 1. Would I any longer invite and encourage another person to become a part of this community? We often tolerate much more in the way of bad behavior ourselves than we are willing to expose others to. and 2. Can I support the message about what it means to be human that the behavior of this community is sending to it's young people or simply the next generation in general? Children are sponges. When the answer to one of those questions comes up "No," I begin a process of serious evaluation. When I get the second "No," I make plans to disengage and leave.

The difficulty in working with and for communities of people is the ability to keep one's sanity by knowing what one has the ability to change and what one does not. The other difficulty lies in not becoming jaded or callused by the inherent sinful nature of humanity and maintaining a knowledge that good will ultimately prevail over evil. Then, having the ability move onward to find the good.

But the life that no longer trusts another human being and no longer forms ties to the political community in not a human life any longer. - Martha Nussbaum

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. - Galatians 6:9-10

My mind wanders now to the stories of community from classic literature that most of my generation of Americans were required to read in their public school junior high or high school English courses. Most of them are stories of communities gone bad. Shirley Jackson's The Lottery, Arthur Miller's The Crucible, Nathaniel Hawthorn's The Scarlet Letter, and many, many others. I have to wonder did we as a society (or at least a generation) really embrace the lessons we were supposed to be learning from those great works? Isn't that at least one of the reasons they were chosen for "The Required Reading List?" I love the commonality of the human experience, somehow there is comfort in knowing that we are repeatedly experiencing the same the things throughout history, just each generation in our own way and thinking it's new to us. Sometimes though it is frustrating to be a part of it. In pondering these questions of community my husband was quick to recommend William Golding's Lord of the Flies, which he tells me embodies both the good and bad of community at it's best and worst, both shaping and destroying. The English teachers I had never put this one on my "To Read" list, even though some of the others in my school did have it on theirs. Somehow it never made it up to the top of the 'Waiting to Be Read' list on my own either. Anxious to share it with me, he immediately went to our bookshelves to retrieve his copy and now it sits on my bedside table awaiting my reading.

My husband is also a huge fan of Stephen King's work so needless to say over the Thanksgiving holiday we were at the theater watching The Mist. I am just not a big fan of the horror genre of literature as I can find enough "horrors" in everyday situations without looking too terribly long and hard, but I was game for the experience and actually enjoyed it. If you take away the mist itself and the horrifying creatures that come with it, it too is really just a case study of community and how bodies of people react within crisis situations. I highly recommend watching it from that analytical perspective, if nothing else.

We don't accomplish anything in this world alone ... and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one's life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something. - Sandra Day O'Connor

An African proverb says, "It takes a village to raise a child." I have to close with one final thought that has been weighing on my heart. It is the story of thirteen year-old Megan Meier who committed suicide in October 2006, but whose story has recently been brought into the media spotlights again. In a nut shell (or my best attempts at synopsis), Meagan was a fairly typical teenage girl who had a falling out with her friends from down the street. As a result she said some hurtful things about those friends to others at school. Her friends then ostracized her. She went on My Space and met a supposed 16-year old home schooled boy from the same town and developed a growing friendship with him, both her parents were well aware of the friendship. However, it was not really a 16-year old boy, as she had thought, that she was corresponding with, but rather the mothers (Yes - not children, but adult women, mothers) of some of her former friends. The women, obviously not emotionally mature themselves, made up the fictitious boy to "teach Megan a lesson." After the 'two' became close friends, the boy then started to turn on Megan saying hurtful things to her and he began to spread rumors and say bad things about her to all of her other school mates and friends online. 'He' destroyed her self image so much that she hung herself.

Now here's the really sad part-- others in the community, her friends, people who lived on her street and went to her school all knew about the situation with the fictitious boy through the rumor and gossip mill and no one attempted to stop the adult women from behaving like school children. No one befriended the girl in her time of greatest need. The police of the community said that no crime had been committed, no laws had been broken, therefore there was nothing they could do in the situation. You can learn more about this story here on CNN or here on ABC News.

It leaves me speechless. Communities behaving badly. Again.

Children Learn What They Live - by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness,
they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

What are our communities teaching their children?