Extra Ordinary Life Lessons

"Some things you have to do every day.

Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day

just isn't going to get the job done."

-- Jim Rohn

Well, you may have been wondering what happened after regaining My Extra Ordinary Vision. After that post I'm sure one would have thought that they would be hearing a lot more from me, more frequently. If so, you are not alone - I thought so too! I'm not sure how to explain it, but I think I had become a little "gun shy" in sharing that recaptured vision with anyone else - afraid to let them see it, lest they attempt to destroy it. So, I have been busy reconnecting with self and locking my "big picture" into a very strong vault for safe-keeping. I guess that it is time to go back to the very beginning, in one of my earliest posts (I think the third one I ever wrote) I proclaimed that to start blogging one has to overcome the fear of not having anything of value to say. I believe this is true for commenting on others' blogs as well, as I had mostly ceased to do that too.

In my 'compose posts' folder I currently have about a dozen started posts saved as drafts, but then somehow I always end up stopping my writing and haven't finished any of them to the point that they actually became real published posts. (This originally was one of those.) The rest of those thoughts are stagnating, stuck there living out their lives in a folder, never maturing beyond a "draft." I need to start over and change that. Tim Lautzenheiser, genius and leadership guru for high school band students (for those of you who are new here - my husband was a high school band director for fourteen years), has a saying that he imparts in all of his leadership seminars, "You're only worth what you give away and you can only give away what you have." So here I am, back to try and give away what I have acquired.

I am always fascinated to check my site statistics to see who is visiting and from where, how they got here, what they read and how long they stay. I never cease to be surprised, outright dumbfounded and humbled that someone I have never met (and probably never will) whom I don't even know their name will one day sit at their computer, Google something seemingly random and then stay for twenty or thirty minutes to read some things that I had to say, and then (wonder of all wonders). . . come back again later for more. I always ponder - What was the real impetus for their search? What did they think when their quest brought them here? I respect their silence, as I too am often a lurker, but sometimes I am filled with questions that I wish I could ask them.

I joke from time to time about my five regular readers, (used to be three -- and yes, I do have a little blog envy problem as my husband's blog has many, many readers) it appears though that slowly but surely, there are other lurkers out there who, if I hadn't checked my site statistics, I would never even be aware that they come and read and then come back for more. It is these miraculous wonders of people that make me feel slightly guilty that I have neglected posting for so long. It is a good feeling to know that someone in Gresham, Oregon or Atlanta, Georgia or Cincinnati, Ohio apparently thinks I have something of value to offer them. A nameless, faceless blogging comrade in Walpole, Massachusetts has even added me to her blog roll. WOW!?! How cool is that? Upon discovery of this I was extremely excited, amazed, honored, humbled and yes, dumbfounded! She has a wonderful blog called Care's Online Book Club. I am still a lurker there as well, but if you read this you should definitely check out what she has to say. I also get visitors from fun exotic places like the country of "Brunei Darussalam." I never even knew it existed until now. For those of you who also learn your geography through blogging - this small country is part of the island of Borneo in the South China Sea in Asia. Try Googling them, it looks like a very interesting place. For now, though, whoever you are in Gresham, Oregon, Atlanta, Georgia, Cincinnati, Ohio and Walpole, Massachusetts . . . THANK YOU!!! Even in your silent lurking you have given me a great gift! This post is here today because of you!

"There is no sudden leap to greatness.
Your success lies in doing, day by day.
Your upward reach comes from working well and carefully."
-- Max Steingart

For me life lessons usually come not all at once, but in a period of gradual realization that builds over time and then, **boom** I have this fully formed concept that seems so simple and idiot proof, but yet which really took me a long time to arrive it. Stand up comedian, Steven Wright, had a joke in his routine once that went something like this -

I don't have to walk my dog anymore.
I walked him all at once.

We went from Maine to Florida and then I said,

"Now you're done."

I think our contemporary society sometimes leads us to this type of thinking. I think a large segment of our culture somehow thinks that daily routines of certain sorts are somewhat primitive (and boring) and that we are far too sophisticated for something so rudimentary today. Instant gratification is sought in so many arenas. If success doesn't come quickly enough, often interest is lost in doing what needs to be done. On the other hand, one may also think things are going relatively well in a particular area of life, "I've already achieved a certain level of success here, phew, now I can coast for a while . . . I don't need to pay as much attention to that relationship or area of my health or that project at work. I can rest on my laurels. I can cross that off of my 'to-do' list for a while,". . . but then, somehow things catch up on us and what was going well has gradually gone to shambles without much fanfare or ado, in a way so slowly we were perhaps unaware of the descent until we find ourselves at the bottom of the pit and then wonder how we got there.

In my own life, I know the greatest successes were achieved when I dedicated myself little by little, inching daily towards my goals. When I was just showing up to do the work that needed to me done and trusting that our Creator will take care of the results. One area of my past history that I often try to keep from most people who didn't know me "when" is that between August 31, 2004 and December 2005 - I lost over 70 lbs. I have an endocrine condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that makes its victims insulin resistant and usually infertile and causes many other **FUN** little challenges to normal life, among them unexplained weight gain. In my mid-20's - early 30's I would put on 20 - 30 lbs. here and there without the blink of an eye, even thought I ate mostly normally, my body just wasn't processing the foods as it should. It was very frustrating and depressing. It took visiting several different doctors before getting a proper diagnosis and medication for treatment. However, the medicine did not make that much of a difference by it self. It most definitely stopped the weight gain, but it wasn't doing much to take off what was already there. Then in the end of summer 2004, I joined a gym. I was filled with determination that I was going to get my body and health back. I didn't going on some crazy diet, I didn't ban myself from all desserts, . . . I simply went to the gym EVERY DAY - sometimes twice a day and do the work that needed to be done. When I started and couldn't do even 5 minutes on the elliptical machine without thinking I needed to have paramedics on standby. I thought I was going to die. I became inspired watching the other seasoned regulars, whom also showed up every day. I didn't see any major differences from day to day, but I kept it up and one day I found myself 70 lbs. lighter and burning 1,000 calories in a 70 minute session on the elliptical machine. Then one day I went to Sam's Club and really had to struggle with the cashier to prove that I was indeed the person pictured on my membership card and on my driver's license. She thought I was trying to use someone else's card. Personally, I didn't think I had changed all that much because for me it had been so gradual and at the same time I was becoming involved with a new community of people who didn't know the "before" me. Sam's Club ending up making me get a new card with a new picture.

I don't know why I told this story - it seems like a "bird walk." It most definitely was not my intention as I usually keep a very close guard on the personal details of my life not only in the blog world but the real world as well. However, I sat down this morning and started typing and it just came out. Apparently there is someone who needs to hear that part of my story and I don't know who that is and may never know. So, I guess I will leave it here for all to read.

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task,
but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks
as if they were great and noble." -- Helen Keller

My husband and I just got back from a four day, three night weekend getaway to the mountains of North Carolina. It was the first we have taken any kind of trip that didn't involve work or visiting family in about 10 years. We always thought we had a great relationship, over the years we have talked about instituting the proverbial weekly "date night" that all the relationship gurus recommend but at times it seemed, we're doing fine, things are great, we don't need to add one more thing to our already full commitments and "to-do" lists. "That's for other people, not us." It is when we are fine and think we don't need to take the time for these daily rituals and things when seemingly all of a sudden months and years pass, then we feel the disconnect and say, man we really should have made that "date night" thing a priority. Ooooh, even saying it (date nitght) , my sensibilities make me think it sounds "hokey." One of my most inspiring bloggers, Mark, at "The Naked Soul" recently wrote an amazing post entitled "Slow Down Enjoy the Journey" about our societal views that we must always present ourselves as "busy" and feel embarrassed to tell our friends and co-workers that we schedule regular daily time for the refreshment of our souls and/or relationships. Somehow we fear we will be looked down upon as a less successful person. Recently my husband and I made a commitment to harness those small daily pockets of time to reconnect and more importantly a weekly evening to call our own and perhaps a quarterly weekend "getaway" and have made respecting them as an equally important commitment a new priority for us.

Initially I said this post was here because of the lurkers who surprisingly return again and again. But this post is also here because of the two bloggers who are my main inspiration and whose dedication to their passions causes me to aspire to be true to my own. They are writers, community builders, connectors, philosophers and deep thinkers. They regularly challenge the thinking of their readers. They already know the simple truth to the benefits of eating one apple a day as opposed to seven on a Saturday. They post nearly every day and I am sure that is the main reason for their blog world success. One day perhaps I can be more like them. Dan at Faith Dance and Mark at The Naked Soul this post is also here because of you too --THANK YOU!!! -- Your encouragement and welcome to me, a fledgling blogger, has been an awesome and incredible gift!

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
- Isaiah 43:18-19

So my life lesson leaves me recommitting to many things on a regular, recurring basis. Join me in the journey...where are you looking for success? Is it through the daily seemingly small things? I'm trying to remember that life is indeed more like a marathon than a series of disconnected sprints.

I am feeling a little childlike and nostalgic today so I will leave you with wisdom from the Rankin and Bass children's television Christmas Classic of the 1970's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town.":

Sing along if you like, I know I will be!

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

You never will get where you’re going,
If your never get up on your feet.
Come on, there's a good tail wind blowing,
A fast walking man's hard to beat.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

If you want to change your direction,
If your time of life is at hand,
Well don't be the rule, be the exception.
A good way to start is to stand.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn,
You mean that it's just my election,
To vote for a chance to be reborn.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door.

Extra Ordinary Vision

"Attitude is the mind's paintbrush; it can color any situation."

-- Anonymous

I have worn eyeglasses since I was nine years old and in the third grade, without them I would be legally blind with my "to be envied" 20/400 vision. Legally blind is 20/200 that cannot be improved with corrective lenses. Thankfully mine is correctable to 20/15 with my glasses and I am also grateful that there have been amazing advances in eye wear fashion and science in the last twenty-six years. It seems as though every time I am due to get new glasses, the frames are smaller and the lenses thinner. I tried contacts once in my early twenties, but this was when gas permeables were the only option for people with astigmatism and they were uncomfortable, felt scratchy and I couldn't get used to seeing my face without glasses; so I quickly gave them up and returned to my trusty and comfortable spectacles. They are a friendly and welcome part of my physical identity. I most recently got new glasses this past July ('07), so my prescription is accurate, but since then it had seemed as though my vision had been getting cloudier by the day and I was sure that it was not anything my opthamologist could remedy.

I jokingly replied to a couple of comments that in September I would have to close down my blog because my monthly postings started out in May with four and then decreased each following month by one (4, 3, 2, and 1 in August). I order to keep up my pattern and be consistent, I would surely have to have zero posts in September. Although it was not necessarily what I set out to do, indeed September came and went with no new posts. Now in trying to reclaim my own Extra Ordinary Vision, I am breaking the pattern with hopes of "getting back in the saddle again." Somewhere along the way it seems I had lost my vision and with it went my voice. Today is a new day, a new week, a new month, and the start of yet another new beginning.

The most pathetic person in the world is someone
who has sight, but has no vision. - Helen Keller

I have long fancied myself a "big picture" kind of person with extraordinary vision, but about two months ago I allowed a thief in the night to steal MY big picture and leave me with only an 8" x 10" glossy in it's place. While this can be seen as "the big picture" if you are thinking back to your grade school days and the annual picture packets they would try to get your parents to buy, if go to a typical art gallery or museum and try to find the 8" x 10" picture, you either won't find it all or it will be one of the smallest pictures you see there. Recently, my version of reality was shattered on more than one front. When this happens I have come to realize that the only thing to do is to get down on your hands and knees and just start picking up all of the little pieces and shreds that you can find and try to figure out in which order they belong. If you're really lucky, someone will be there to help you pick them up and hand them back to you in the right order.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. - 1 Corinthians 13:12

One of the projects that I was assigned recently for my work was to create the promotional materials for a program that was being launched in our community called "Visionary Parenting." I soon realized that this assignment was really dual purpose for me and it's arrival on my door step was no accident. In the brainstorming phase for this project I began to think about "HOW" we see things and the control factors for "WHAT" we see. In addition to eyeglasses or contact lenses, my mind wandered to binoculars, magnifying glasses, microscopes, telescopes, even those funky 3-D glasses as I tried to identify what had happened to my own vision. I realized that I had just let someone walk off with MY "big picture" and thankfully it made me angry enough to want back, going after it with a vengeance. About 18-24 months ago, I played the lead role in "The Dark Night of the Soul" and this new awakening gave me the determination I needed not to sign on for the sequel. At one point, someone said to me, "I'm sorry I ruined your life." to which I was able to reply, "I'm sorry, you nor anyone else gets that privilege."

"Faith" is a fine invention when Gentlemen can see -- But Microscopes are prudent In an Emergency."-- Emily Dickinson

I have had the feeling that quite some time ago God had enrolled me in this graduate level fortitude class without my consent and it seemed as though it would never end. I've been struggling but making passing grades, nonetheless. It's exam time. This week, I got the "blue book." I've been cramming hard, trying to fit all of the pieces of the puzzle together, mentally going over the goal and objective of each lecture and assignment to synthesize them into something coherent to prove that I have indeed "learned my lessons well." As much as I crammed in preparation, the final exam still threw me. I am a person of deep convictions and ideals and it turns out, I still have them. I am prone to standing up for what it is right regardless of the opinions of others. However, the final exam consisted not in knowing what to say, but rather in knowing what not to say. I guess that is ultimately what it has been about the whole time. The essence of fortitude is being so at peace within one's self in having strength of mind to persevere and do what it is right, regardless of the thoughts and actions of others and allowing them to be content in their own place in their own journey, even if ultimately what they are doing is wrong. The second half of this is trusting enough in our creator that regardless of what is said or done He will turn evil to good and ultimately as Job proclaimed when he answered the Lord:

"I know that you can do all things and that no
purpose of yours can be thwarted." - Job 42:2

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." - Ephesians 3:20

I know now that one year from today my life will look absolutely nothing like it does right now nor anything like I expected it that it would. I do not yet know what that will be and I am okay with that. I've got MY BIG PICTURE back and that's all that matters. I'm putting my telephoto lens back on my camera. When God can take evil and turn it in to something good, I'm okay with not being able to single handedly change the world as I sometimes think I might. The fun of fortitude, I guess, is in silently laughing at those who are all left holding their 8" x 10" glossies, thinking that they've won and knowing that the picture in my mind's eye is far greater than they could ever see.

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible - Jonathan Swift

Extra Ordinary Roots

The hero draws inspiration from the virtue of his ancestors.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In one sense we are all the heroes of our own stories. In crafting my life story, I do draw inspiration from the virtue of my ancestors. Sunday, July 15th was the annual (as of now though, I am told it will be biennial - a little disheartening since it has been three years since I was last able to attend, and now next year will provide no opportunity) family reunion of my paternal extended family, the family of my maiden name - Knitt - yes, it is Germanic (Prussian actually) and you do pronounce the "K" so in rough phonetics it is "Kuh´- nit, " not knit (as in lower case "k" and only one "t"- like what one does with two needles and a ball of yarn). That is one commonality we have all shared through the years - educating the world on the proper pronunciation of our name. Along with one of my cousins I have helped to compile quite a lengthy genealogical history of our family. My cousin, a freelance historian and genealogist, has done the majority of the research however and I, mostly the compiling, especially before he had a computer at his home, but nonetheless it has been a shared passion. To date we have records dating back to the late 1600's.

Johann Friedrich Knitt, who at some point Americanized his name to "John," was born November 29, 1839 in a rural farm area called Schwetzen outside of Glowitz, Stolp, Pommerania, Prussia, which now lies within the present day political boundaries of Poland. On June 12, 1869 just shy of his thirtieth birthday, he set sail for America on the immigration ship The St. Bernard from Bremen, Germany to the port of New York. Upon arrival he traveled further to make his way to the state of Wisconsin where worked for several years as a stonemason in Eureka and Berlin, Wisconsin until August 1875 when he purchased what would become our family's homestead farm in Larrabee Township. Johann married Henrietta Brandt in February of 1874 and they had five children - three girls and two boys. He was worried that the "Knitt" family name would die out in America, however, one of his boys, my great-grandfather, Henry, had ten children (eight boys, two girls) and his brother, Otto, had three, two of which were sons.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

I do not believe that when Johann set sail from Germany in June of 1869 he could have possibly imagined that 138 years later the Knitt family would be flourishing in the United States as it is today. Nor that he would have the road on which he established his homestead farm named in his honor, "Knitt Road." Now the households of his descendants number in the hundreds. We are a large and varied family that has spread far and wide, but still we are all united by the same origins, the same roots. As teachers, artists, homemakers, doctors and health care workers, engineers, military personnel, scientists, clergy, missionaries, writers, film makers, bankers, lawyers, athletes, entrepreneurs, researchers, race car drivers, fire, police, and EMT personnel, and yes, still farmers too, as well as many, many, other occupations and great friends, neighbors, citizens, and families. Knitts are definitely making their mark on history. Knowing where you came from is an important part of knowing where you’re going to. I love the diversity and stability of such a large extended family and the identity it provides. Being a part of this family is one of the first places where I learned to accept and love others for who they are, encourage their strengths and overlook their weaknesses.

Families are held together by choice. Members are alike and unalike, yet there is comfort in the sameness and excitement in the differences. When we respect and relish both conditions, we can truly call ourselves family. - Maya Angelou

In his book, Self Matters, Phillip McGraw states that everyone can trace who they've become in life (their "life story" so to speak) back to ten defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. I first read this book just over five years ago as I was about to turn thirty and first felt the need to rediscover myself. At that point I didn't take the time to do all of the exercises set forth in the book, but they have been one of those things bouncing around in the back of my mind that I think about and ponder from time to time. This is an intriguing exercise from which I think everyone would benefit. I'm still working on unearthing my 10-7-5. The first defining moment in my life that has shaped me into the person I've become, however, was the death of my father, while I was just six years old. This may sound odd, but I view that experience as a blessing because of the resulting gifts that it brought to my life. So, what about those gifts?

For me, the death of my father brought me into a very deep and personal relationship with God, our heavenly Father, at a very young age. Never once did I think, "Who is this terrible, monstrous, heartless God who would take away my dad?" In fact, for me it had the exact opposite effect. It caused me to be drawn to God and I wanted to know everything about Him and His Church. I was fascinated with the concept of heaven because that's where my dad was. Because I was so young, I didn't question the concept of heaven and an afterlife, I embraced it. Even as a college student one of my first priorities in living away from home was to find a church home. I will confess though that at a couple of brief points in my adult life when I have been involved in negative communities that overwhelmed me, I have somewhat neglected my relationship with God and did not do my part in nurturing it as I should have, like a long time, close friend that moves away and becomes involved in their new life in their new city and gradually loses contact with you. In this case, I was the one who moved away, not God. All in all though, my relationship with God that was solidified at such a young age, I can identify as one of the underlying constants and defining factors of my life - he is always with me.

Another gift that I believe was a direct result of my father's death is that I am very in-tune with reading people's underlying emotions and motives and seeing their hurts and pain. I have a great capacity for empathy and accepting people for who they are and meeting them where they are. I forever find myself in the position of being an advocate of those who others are quick to label negatively. I have the ability to see God in most others. I seek out the good where others see bad. I usually recognize the hands and feet and face of Christ in others. I think that this stems from being a six year old and witnessing the extended illness of my father with cancer prior to his death, during, and afterwards as well as the reactions of our immediate and extended family and circle of friends - being a watcher and a listener in an attempt to make sense of the world around me. The children of our family were involved in the whole process, but at the same time when you are six in an adult world, when serious things are taking place, people take for granted that you are involved in your own little world of imagination and play things and are easily diverted, but in reality, when you are six the world is your classroom and you are a sponge soaking in everything going around you.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one from a human point of view; even though we once knew Christ from a human point of view, we no longer know him in that way. So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! - 2 Corinthians 5:16-17

The third main gift that I attribute to experiencing my father's death and my resulting life afterwards is that I internalized at a young age that everything in this world is fleeting and life is short. It has greatly affected my value system. I value people and ideals and intangible things like making memories and traditions. I have little use for the material or superficial. What matters is how you treat people. When I listened to Mark Lawrence, the once (and soon-to-be future) Bishop elect for the South Carolina Diocese of the The Episcopal Church, speak this past May while addressing a women's group, I thought he expressed this concept in an analogy that was the best I have heard. It has so stuck with me since then and it comes to mind often. He compared our life experiences to playing a game of Monopoly. He explained to us that he was a very aggressive, take-no-prisoners, passionate Monopoly player and he had tried to pass his love of this board game on to his own children as they were growing up. However, as he would inevitably put all the other players in a position that made a comeback on their part and an attempt at winning seem hopeless, they would one by one give up and walk away from the game and he would be left alone to "put it all back in the box." He may have "won" proving his superior Monopoly playing strategies and skills, but when it's all back in the box and the kids left one-by-one disenchanted, what had he "won" really? He wanted to communicate to us that at the end of this life all the "stuff" which seems so important and consuming, all goes back "into the box." The only thing we take with us in to the next world is our love for others and the way we treated the people with whom we came in contact.

All this is NOT to say that I am any sort of saint. I am not. I sin. I hurt people. I do things wrong. I get angry. I lose my temper. I make mistakes, lots of mistakes - just ask my husband or my mother or... hmm... just about anybody with whom I am close...or better yet, ask me, I'm well aware of all my faults and shortcomings. These three things, though, are a part of my roots. They are my equilibrium, the foundation upon which the other aspects of my personality and character are built. When I waiver and stray from these "building blocks of me", as I inevitably do, these are what draw me back in to what and where I should be. They are the gifts God gave me through my father. When I am functioning at my best, these basics about my person are evident to all with whom I come into contact. When I am functioning at my worst, they are the ideals upon which I can focus and to which I strive to return. They give me strength to work through the adversities which cross my path.

My dad, Donald Henry Knitt, Sr., is part of my extraordinary roots. Because I was six, for me my dad never left the superhero phase. I knew deep in my heart that he loved me unconditionally. I had no vision of his faults or shortcomings as perhaps some of my older siblings may. He read to me, every day. He danced with me in our living room. He played games with me. He let me be his helper. I remember having snacks with him after he would cut the lawn. To this day, I love cutting the lawn and the smell of fresh cut grass. It is a simple pleasure for me.

"Honor your father and mother" -- this is the first commandment with a promise: "so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the Earth." - Ephesians 6:2-3

I attempt to honor my father by the way in which I live my life. I try to regularly stop and take a litmus test, re-evaluate and re-group. I want to live in manner in which he would have been proud. Part of honoring my father, is also honoring my father's family. I am proud to be a Knitt. Most of my online user names and emails incorporate all of my initials "BRKM." The "K" is an important part of the whole, which composes my self-image and identity. Some of being a Knitt for me means being a person of integrity, ingenuity and fortitude, honest, passionate, genuine, intelligent, spiritual, generous, resilient, independent, stalwart, pragmatic, practical, determined, staying true to one's beliefs, creative, visionary. These are obviously ideals which are exhibited by different extended family members at different times, and I call upon the strengths of my roots in different situations in which they are appropriate. Having an identity and a connection to my roots though enables me to persevere and borrow strength where I otherwise might not be able to do so alone.

Your Name

You got it from your father
It was all he had to give
And right gladly he bestowed it
Its yours as long as you may live.
You may lose the watch he gave you
And another you may claim
But whenever you are tempted
Be careful of his name.
It was fair the day you got it
And a worthy name to bear
When he got it from his father
There was no dishonor there.
Through the years he proudly wore it
To his father he was true
And that name was clean and spotless
When he passed it on to you.
- Annonymous

One of my dear friends is a deep thinker. This past winter as we were conversing one day, he shared with me an impromptu "homily" of sorts reflecting on the "living stones" of 1 Peter 2. He related to me his own addendum to the chapter with the Love of God being the mortar which holds all of us rough hewn living stones together into to the body of Christ. I cannot do his homily justice here because he has a beautiful gift for language and words that I do not. I wish I had recorded the moment in time in which he was telling it to me. I do know that I will never look at the gorgeous stone silos built by the hands of my immigrant, stone mason turned farmer, great-great-grandfather in the same way. Now in the stones I see the members of my extended family with all of their unique, individual rough edges and cracks and blemishes that make them beautiful individuals, and the mortar the Love of God that holds us together as a family and a"body." Knowing that you have a place to belong, where you are loved, and accepted in an entity that is bigger than yourself, that you can return to at will but are not tethered, gives you strength to blossom and grow as an individual.

Extra Ordinary Love

Love is not just to do something for someone —

love is not a sort of sentimentality and kissing each other and so on.

Love is to enter into covenant —

to know that you accept me as I am,

that you see my gift, but also that you see my wound.

That you won't abandon me when you see my wound,

that you won't just flatter me when you see my gift.

But you accept me as I am with all that is fragile,

all that is broken, all that is beautiful, too. . . .

Then the extraordinary thing is we can let down barriers,

we don't have to prove,

I don't have to pretend I'm better than you are,

I'm allowed to be myself.

I'm allowed to be myself because you love me.

- Jean Vanier, "Seeing God in Others"

For the present, I work at a church. About a month ago I was required to lead the bi-monthly staff meeting devotional (for the first time ever), a task that at first seemed daunting and intimidating. That is, of course, until I remembered I can paint! At any rate my prayer was that the Spirit would speak through me and that my words would be well received. I am not sure how well they were received except by the one person who afterwards made a point of telling me that I did a good job (of course, I had asked her to pray for me regarding it in the preceding days), but nonetheless I was satisfied that I had done my best. The passages that I wanted to reflect on were 1 Corinthians 12 & 13. Fairly common passages, but usually one reads or hears read either chapter 12 or chapter 13, when really they were intended to go together. I knew what I wanted to say. I knew what I thought our community needed to hear, but I wasn't sure exactly how to communicate it. So, as always, I went to my modern day treasure chest of information, "Google," and I came up with the article from which the above quote was extracted and shared some excerpts from it. It is an amazing article, if you have the time, you should most definitely read it in its entirety. Jean Varnier, although newly discovered by me, is a published author of several books that I now look forward to adding to my "must read" list.

I have come to realize that to experience this kind of love of which Vanier speaks is indeed a blessing not to be taken for granted. Unfortuantely it is not as prevalent in our world as it should be. I am one of the fortunate who is blessed enough to experience this kind of love within the context of their marriage. The other day I was conversing with a friend with whom I also share this kind of Christian love when I said that "Freakin' Wierdo" is a term of endearment in our household. I am sure that at first hearing my friend thought this a very odd thing, especially when the response question to that statement was, "Is that a mutual thing?" I laughed. I affirmed that it was, so as not to allow this person to think I was experiencing some form of verbal or psychological abuse, but I did not take the time to give a rough translation of that, although I think it was understood in context. When my husband tells me that I am a "Freakin' Wierdo," I am secretly dancing on the inside because what he means in common English, for which we have created the established shorthand is, "You're not like the rest of the world. You're a free thinker. You're independent. You don't conform to societal and cultural norms. You stand up for what what you believe in and are true to your principles and values, no matter what. You aren't easily influenced by the opinions of others. You march to the beat of your own drummer. You approach the world differently. . . and that's what I like best about you! That's what I love!" So, when I do something or relate something that elicits the response, "You're a freakin' wierdo," (and perhaps the silent or voiced question, "Who else does that???") we both laugh and usually embrace and I know that I have done especially well. . . and my heart sings!

One example of our extraordinary love is best seen when we begin a disagreement on completely opposite ends of the spectrum, both firmly entrenched in our stances. As we talk and discuss our viewpoints, after sometimes hours of talking, we love each other so much that we find ourselves having adopted the other's position somewhere along the way, so we end up again at completely opposite ends of the spectrum, just the polar opposite of where we each began, and now trying to convince one another to re-adopt their initial stance because it has become our stance. Then we laugh when we realize what we have done and then we begin to find some middle ground or simply agree to disagree.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. - I. Krishnamurti

However, the love in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13 (although a popular read at weddings) is not necessarily the romantic, eros love. It is Christian love for another human being, for who they are as a part of the body of Christ, as the end of Chapter 12, after describing the various gifts of the spirit, sets the stage with the lead in, "And now I will show you the most excellent way."

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails . . . - 1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

Our most recent staff meeting devotional was on Romans 12, given by one of the two staff members who were not present for my previous one. Yes, if you are familiar with the passages, you will realize it is a variation on a theme from my own devotional. The message is still one that our community needs to embrace.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:9-21

This week's devotional leader started the meeting, prior to introducing the Bible passage, by having each staff member in turn, tell some key facts about themselves (that were listed in advance) that we might not otherwise have known about one another and then answer the question, "If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?" There were a few extremely lofty change goals listed around the table along with a couple of realistic items. My own desire for change in the world was that people would focus on truly seeing God in others and looking for and encouraging a person's gifts, rather than focusing on a person's weaknesses and transforming a person's life through Christ-like love, rather than attempting to change a person through punitive efforts to correct or reform another's faults or shortcomings.

Extraordinary Love changes things! In my present situation of such a huge life change from the outside, what matters most is that nothing really changes on the inside: I unconditionally love my husband and he unconditionally loves me. As long as that love remains, together, we can conquer anything; everything else is just icing on the cake. This is not to say that our marriage is a fairy tale, with nothing but bliss. Sometimes we disagree, we don't see things eye to eye, we exchange unkind words, we make each other cry (and not always tears of joy). We are human. We sin, but we also forgive one another and ourselves. Love is the foundation of our relationship. If some of the bricks crack or fall out of place because they were laid improperly, we can take them out and replace them with new ones as long as our foundation is secure. Extraordinary Love is authentic and genuine. I can always be completely open and honest with my husband, I don't have to pretend to be or think or feel anything that I am not or do not, nor does he with me. Usually we know one another so well that it is impossible to do so anyway, as the smallest of gestures or movements or sounds speak volumes.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:9-13

To be able to freely give and receive this type of Christ-like love in a marriage, a friendship, a familial relationship, or just with an acquaintance or someone you meet on the street, has the power to change the world. The question is not if you will make an impact on the lives of others that one comes into contact with, the question is what kind of impact will one make? There are those who fear the power of this type unconditional love that it will "enable" a person to continue with negative behaviors, if they are not focusing directly on prohibiting the negative behavior. I disagree. "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." - Barbara Johnson

I have never met a person whose great need
was anything other than real, unconditional love.
You can find it in a simple act of kindness
toward someone who needs help.
There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart.
It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul,
energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives.
It is our connection to God and to each other.
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Extra Ordinary Grace

Grace is available for each of us every day - our spiritual daily bread -
but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart
and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow.
- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Grace comes in many forms. When I was a young teenager in Lutheran confirmation class, I was taught to remember the meaning of "grace" through the mnemonic device of an acronym:

G - God's
R - Riches
A - At
C - Christ's
E - Expense

It is one of those little tidbits of information that you store away in the filing cabinets of your mind for future reference and add it to the "general knowledge" folder...but in actuality it does little to help a person fully grasp and understand the concept behind the word. I am no longer Lutheran (that is a story for another day), but one of the local Lutheran churches in our area has given out blue bumper stickers with white letters that simply read, "GRACE Happens." I usually find myself behind one of these cars in traffic when I most need to be reminded of that fact and I think that, in and of itself, is an act of grace. Grace is not a concept that the average teenage confirmand can really, truly understand. Grace is something that does, just happen. Grace is something that one who has a relationship with our Saviour experiences through the trials and tribulations of life. We don't earn it or deserve it, but when we need it most, God knows, and it is there!

I have alluded to my impending life changes in several of my previous posts, and because I have experienced God's grace in the last week or so, I can talk about it more freely now where I was previously without words. Regarding my present life situation, I said to a friend two weeks ago, "There's a fine line between courage and crazy and only by the grace of God will we (my husband and I) end up on the right side of that line." To which she responded, "BTW, it takes both...Courage AND Crazy!" I have asked several people that I feel close to to pray for me in the preceding weeks, when I have at times been without words to pray for myself. If someone were to ask me today, however, I think I would confidently say that yes, we will end up on the right side of that line.

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times. - Martin Luther

On the eighth of June, my husband, who has been a high school band director for the past fourteen years, fifteen really, if you count his student teaching and substitute teaching (he was a December graduate) before he landed his first full time position, announced to me that he was going to resign from his job and not just his job in the sense of his present position, but in the sense of changing careers. This was not a complete surprise as it has been an extremely difficult year in working with his parent organization or less aptly named "Booster Club," as they have done little to actually "boost" the organization and in several cases have actually hindered the program this year. I choose, however, in my post here not to focus on all of the minutiae that lead to this decision but rather on my reactions to it as it is not my story to tell. If you are interested to know, as Paul Harvey announces over the radio airwaves, "The Rest of the Story," you may read my husband's blog as he is chronicling what he calls his mid-life journey. As a side note here and brief commercial: he is an excellent writer and his blog, just two and a half weeks old, has already developed quite a global following and community of readers and he has received the "Thinking Bloggers Award" and the "Blogging Community Involvement Award," so check it out sometime.

Needless to say, my initial reaction to this announcement (even though we had talked about the possibility in vague generalities in the past few months) was shock, fear, anger - not at my husband, but at the people who have made his chosen life career something which he no longer loves -, distraught. Phew! None of those emotions are desirable to experience. My thoughts went to mortgage payments, health insurance, gas for our car, food, all of those things which cost money, money we would have much less of now. Up until this point the income from my 32 hour a week job had been a bonus, not something upon which we were dependent. Now looking at the possibility of it being our only income, it will not meet all of our financial needs alone. He told me that he strongly felt that God was calling him away from his current work so that he would be able to do something else, but he does not know what that something else is yet. As a result our living room and bedside table quickly became littered with such books as:

• Awakening At Midlife - Kathleen A. Brehony
• Find Your Purpose, Change Your Life - Carol Adrienne
• Finding Your Own North Star - Martha Beck
• Life's a Bitch and Then You Change Careers - Andrea Kay
• Practical Intuition - Laura Day
• The Pathfinder - Nicholas Lore
• Welcome To Your Crisis - Laura Day
• When Life Changes or You Wish It Would - Carol Adrienne

Then he asked me one of the more difficult requests of our married life, "Can you please give me two weeks to just work through this on my own, without any input, and then, when I am ready, I'll invite you back into the process?" As scary as that was, I said, "Yes, I can do that," and I left the discernment process to be simply between my husband and the Lord.

On Wednesday, June 13, I awoke with the words of Matthew 6:25-34 on my tongue. It was the first I had really begun to feel any sense of God having a say in all of this, but still I was not completely convinced. On Tuesday, June 26, while working (during my daily drive back from picking up the office mail), I was not really thinking about any of this at all when all of the sudden I just got a complete sense of peace about what was about to occur. I don't know where it came from other than the grace of God, but I was soon to find out why. Later that day, my husband met with a friend he considered to be "wise counsel," the first he had really invited anyone in to the discernment process and two hours later, he was pretty convinced of his decision - to resign from his career. I know that God gave me that peace because now I would need to be a strong support and a "soft place to fall." Since that time I have really felt no fear, apprehension, nor anything other than "This is what we are supposed to be doing." Ironically, my husband has since, through the process of drafting his resignation letter and cleaning out 14 years of accumulated stuff (eight at his present location), acquired some fear and apprehension of his own and I have been able to be the one who can say, "It's all going to work out. It's okay. You are doing the right thing."

Grace Happens! It happens when you least expect it. I don't know yet where we are going or what we will be doing three or even six months from now, but I know that God will be with us, and that's all I need to know, for now. I am beginning to even experience a sense of adventure, new beginnings offer new hope and new possibilities and new opportunities, right?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:25-27

Extra Ordinary Heroes

Real heroes are men who fall and fail and are flawed,

but win out in the end because they've stayed true

to their ideals and beliefs and commitments.

- Kevin Costner

I have spent the past two weeks focusing most of my waking hours helping to get ready for and execute our church's Vacation Bible School (VBS) Program. The first of the past two weeks was spent in final preparations and finishing all of the decorations and backdrops, the later was the actual week of VBS with over sixty children participating. I was one of two women in charge of the crafts station. I love VBS! I always look forward to it as one of my favorite weeks of the year. Perhaps that is because I cannot have any children of my own and relish any opportunity I can to share in the lives of other people's children. To be able to see the world through the eyes of a child is an amazing gift. Anyway, this year's theme was sports - "Game Day Central: Where Heroes Are Made!" According to our VBS lesson plans "True Heroes":

1. Obey God even when it's not easy.
2. Do their best in everything.
3. Believe in Jesus and follow God's plan.
4. Put others first.
5. Tell others about Jesus.

Last year was my first year helping out with VBS at my current church after a several year personal VBS hiatus. In my thank you gift from the director (a small book) she wrote, "You are one of the most amazing people I know! Your gifts and abilities are evident in so many areas and I thank you so much for your extraordinary help and support and leadership." My inital reaction to this was, "If I am one of the most amazing people she knows, it's definitely way past time for her to go out and meet more people!" I am just a person who says they don't like pie when there isn't enough to go around.

We relish news of our heroes, forgetting that we are extraordinary to somebody too. - Helen Hayes

A boy doesn’t have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn’t like pie when there isn’t enough to go around. – Edgar Watson Howe, American Journalist and Author

Needless to say, all of this has gotten me to think about the "Heroes" in my own life...who they are, what defines them as people, why I admire them so much and how the examples of their lives sustain me in my own and have shaped me as a person. Amidst all of my current life changes, part of defining my heroes, I think, is to re-establish those roots which will give me the necessary continuity to support this new growth.

Here are my thoughts on "Amazing People" - Amazing people are not flawless, all of humanity has faults and short-comings - just different ones. Depending on our perspective we see the rest of the world as having either many more or much fewer problems that our own, but I believe that God is the original designer of the "No Child Left Behind" concept (Unlike the system created by our current U.S. public education bureaucracies though, His plan is flawless). He has created a unique set of challenges for each us, our own personalized "life curriculum" so to speak. Amazing people earn that title (in my book) not by being flawless but by how they respond to the work of God in their lives, how they view and respond to the world around them, and how they view and respond to the unique sets of challenges that God gives to each of us as exercises in becoming the people he created us to be.

I decided to dedicate some time to reflecting on the Extra Ordinary People in my life that I call "Heroes." Today's hero is Karl Bader. In the picture below we are dancing at the wedding reception of a mutual friend - Karl is, of course, the fifty-something man and I am the little girl of seven or eight.

I will highlight my heroes in no particular order, but as one of the changes that I am staring in the face is the prospect of selling our modest, cookie-cutter suburban house that my husband and I had built four years ago and returning to apartment living (which we haven't done since we moved to our first rented house in July of 1993), I think of Karl and find comfort in knowing that the "American Dream" doesn't have to be about owning property and a house.

Karl E. Bader was an extraordinary man. He was born August 08, 1926 in Stuttgart, Germany and as a teenager was required to serve in Hitler's Nazi army during World War II. After the war, the conditions in Germany were so terrible that he decided to immigrate to the United States, by way of Canada. At the age of twenty-five in 1952, he immigrated to Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada where he rented a single room in a boarding house and worked as a brick layer although by profession he was an architect. It was a very difficult time to be a German immigrant in the post-World War II era. He later sent for his wife to join him and they had their first son while still living in the rented room of the boarding house. Eventually they had a second son and moved to a small apartment. In 1959, they completed their migration to America and came to make their permanent home in the Greater Buffalo Area in New York State where he began working as an architect and a few months later joined a well-respected architectual firm in Williamsville, NY and made a 31-year career there and they became United States citizens.

Although I thought the biographical details were somewhat of a pre-requisite, they do little to tell the story of what earns Karl the title of "Hero," that comes from the quiet way in which he lived his life. Although a successful architect who could have easily made home ownership a reality for his family, he made a conscious, deliberate choice to live out the majority of their days in a rented apartment. He did not want to be consumed with property ownership and all that that entails. On days that weather permitted, he chose to commute by bicycle as opposed to car. Karl started every day by going to his church to pray before going to work or anything else.

Karl was a man who had the ability to see and foresee needs in the lives of others and in the community around him and then quietly went about helping to meet those needs. He touched and changed lives every day without any fanfare or recognition. He truly was Christ-like in his caring for others. He was filled with an inner joy that only comes from knowing our Lord on a personal level. During his career the main thrust of his work was on the design of rehabilitation projects and additions for many local school districts as well as some fire halls and branch banks. He was also instrumental in the design and overseeing of a major wing added to the Niagara Luthern Home and Rehabilitation Center in Buffalo and served for many years on their Board of Directors, being elected it's president in 1991.

In my own life, my father died less than two months after my sixth birthday. Karl was one of the many men in my wider circle of extended family and family friends who served as a strong male role model during my formative years. Karl and his family attended the same church as my own family and along with six other families - the Lawlers, the Hoffs, the Barenthalers, the Simmonses, (and later after the Simmonses moved away) the Belzes and the Dryers, we composed "The Family Life Committee" that was in charge of not only the weekly coffee hour, but planning and executing all of the parish dinners and fellowship events throughout the year. For all of the 1970's and most of the 1980's this group of people was more than a "committee" - they laughed together, played together, cried together and prayed together both inside and outside of the church. They shared each others' joys and burdens. These were the type of friends who really could call upon one another at 2:30 in the morning, if a need arose. If they were analyzed by modern-day, formalized church growth strategists, they would have probably been labeled a "small group." All of my adult life I have been longing to find that kind of relationship and friendship that was shared by those adults in that time. Oh, how I envy what they had! However, I am not so sure such friendships are an achieveable goal in today's contemporary society and culture.

"Baaarrrrb," I can still hear him say in his thick, gutteral German accent, accompanied by a big, bear hug. I cannot reproduce it, but I can hear it in my head. He always made it a point to spend some time in conversation with me each week after the worship service and even as a child he would ask me intelligent questions and really listen to my answers. He made me feel important. One of my fondest childhood memories is going to the Bader's home (yes, it was a small apartment, but it was still very much a "home" in every sense of the word) on Christmas Eve between the worship services and it was filled with good scents, sounds and visions. His wife, Isolde, would make every kind of German Christmas cookie imaginable as well as some German soft-pretzels and they would have a fresh, live Christmas tree lit with small, real burning candles placed in special holders on the boughs (Karl loved to amaze his friends by placing one of the boughs in the flame to prove that a fresh, well-watered tree would not burn). All of their closest friends and those who had no other other place to share in the joy of the holiday season would gather in their small living/dining room just about elbow to elbow and share in fellowship and sing Christmas Carols from booklets that Karl had put together - typed up the words and photocopied (although I guess it was mimeographed in those days, remember the "pretty" mimeograph blue?) and stapled together and we would all sing out in hearty, harmonized, a cappella voices.

When I think of adjectives to decribe Karl Bader, some that come to mind are intelligent, humble, compassionate, prayerful, generous, righteous, understanding, empathetic, genuine . . . In the words of my sister, Patti, "a true reflection of God." I don't know - to attempt to describe in words would be in some way boxing and labeling and I believe one just cannot do that with people. It is so limiting. Although I strongly believe in the power of words and this blog is somewhat dedicated to that power of words, there are still some places that even words cannot go, some things that remain unexpressable. So, I will leave you with this quote I found:

People ask me to describe a hero, I often fail at it. You see words are hollow things, they carry small meaning. Words lack the substance to do a real hero full justice. Real heros must be watched and seen to be understood. We see and hear about all of the people portrayed as heros - sports heros, entertainment heros, media heros, and so on, people whose charmed arrogance is just under the shine. Words and adjectives can describe these people with ease. They are not true heros and never could be, they are void . . . - Keith Howerton (Jacob's Dad)

Karl died in May of 1996 at the age of 69 of ALS - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (more commonly known as "Lou Gherig's Disease") -- his funeral was standing room only. I have been to a lot of funerals in my thirty-five years, but only two others were standing room only. To live one's life in such a way that your funeral is "standing room only" - that's what it's all about!

Extra Ordinary Change

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

I remember the day I took this picture. It was a Sunday afternoon this past October (2006) when I felt the first sting of the winds of change blowing upon my face; in comparison to what I have experienced since then, however, these were nothing. In fact I even welcomed the breeze after a long, hot summer! For the past fifteen years, Octobers have mostly been an auto-pilot blur for my husband and I due to the nature of the work he has been doing and for all but this past one, the work I had been doing with him. This October (with my husband's blessing) I stepped out on my own adventure and began a new work or at least a work in a new place. Still though, October, as always, was a stressful month. In an attempt to divert some of that stress, the one Sunday in which I took the picture above, we each realized the need for some alone time and connect with God time. My husband took off for the afternoon to "do his thing" and I grabbed the camera to have the rare (for me) opportunity to capture the beauty of God's autumn showcase, with a limited showing. I don't have very much formal training or education in art, but I do okay I guess (or at least people tell me that I do). There are many things that I wish I could do better in expressing the pictures that are in my mind's eye but I do not yet have the skills to do so. The important thing for me though is that I have found my attempts at creative expression to be my time alone communing with God. I really feel as though when I am involved in a work of creative expression that I am a mere conduit for God exercising his gift to the world. It is also a time when God speaks to me, we have long conversations like two old friends. When I am involved in creative expression, I lose myself and my problems, and time stands still.

Last night I went to bed in one of my bouts of despair regarding all of this imminent change, fear about the tomorrows yet unseen, but this morning somehow, I awoke with hope. If you have been praying for me, thank you!!! thank you!!! thank you!!! beyond measure!!! The words that were on my lips as I rolled out of bed this morning were from Saint Matthew 6:25-34 ~

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today
and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Oh, okay so I answer one of my own questions....uncertainty and trust can really not co-exist! I did know that on an intellectual level somewhere in the back of my head, but I wasn't to that point yet in this particular journey. A friend asked me the other day after I had shared a little bit of my concerns if I was doing well, to which I replied " 'well' is a relative term isn't it? I wish I were in a different place right now but some things are beyond our control..." My friend's reply was, "...these things ARE under Someone's control (even if it's not ours)" in referring to our heavenly father.

Yes, he is right! Things are under God's control. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I saved the text exchange in my phone so I can reread the words when my own trust begins to falter. Hmmm, it is time to start 'pulling myself up by my bootstraps.' I am a fighter by nature and when I regain my bearings again after being knocked to the ground by the initial blow, I usually am pretty resilient. So here is my quote for today...

"Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. " ~Pauline R. Kezer

My task at hand for now, the immediate future, is to identify my roots, the things on which I can rely to give me strength and continuity while these new branches are budding. It is not as though if called upon, I could not identify "my roots." However, I think I need to take the time to make a conscience, concerted effort to revisit those things that have brought me through the huge trials, tribulations and changes of my past. Roots need water and nutrients from the soil to produce and support strong, healthy new growth. These last few months I have felt as though God has enrolled me in a graduate level fortitude class and I've been struggling. It's a difficult course, but I think I will ultimately come out with a passing grade. God is not one of those instructors who likes to put the objective for the day up on the board as you enter the room though. Part of the challenge is He kind of leaves it up to you to figure out the objective on your own. This makes it more difficult, but I guess if it were easy, I wouldn't need to be here. There would be no lesson to be learned.

Trust. Ruthless Trust. I can do this. Okay so here is my next children's literature reference from Watty Piper's The Little Engine that Could, "I think I can, I think I can." Growing up, I had the book and record version and it was one of my favorites. I would listen to it over and over and over again. To this day, I can practically recite the story by memory. Looking back, maybe there was a reason for that. God knew me even before I was formed in my mother's womb.

If you would attain to what you are not yet,
you must always be displeased by what you are.
For where you are pleased with yourself
there you have remained.
Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing.
~Saint Augustine

Extra Ordinary Courage

Lord, I am feeling the edges of my faith
I am aware that I have stretched this hope
as far as I could dare.
I am in a place of great need;
My trust is faltering.
My prayers are before you
and I long for a glimpse of your answer.
I know your heart towards me
and, in that, there is no doubt,
however I long to see your hand
gently move across the days to come.
I have no more answers,
my plans have come to naught,
my soul is tired.
I long to see your hand
gently move across my broken life.

- Billy, Wild Grace Blog

I found this poem/prayer earlier this spring one day when I was feeling completely lost and just searching for meaning out there somewhere and I randomly clicked on Wild Grace's blog from another site and there it was just waiting for me. If you like poetry, this is most definitely a site to check out. Gracie, Billy, and Neils live in Australia and write some great poetry on their blog and have some great photography too.

Ahhhh! UUUgggghhhhh! GRRRRRRRRR! One month, one post. Second month, four posts - actually all in the course of a week. I thought I was doing good as a blogger, off to a good start. I thought I had found my groove. Then, my world began to crumble around me. I haven't written since because I have been at a loss for words of expression. It is as though God read my previous posts in May and said, "Okay, Barbara, let's see what you're really made of...if you can 'put your money where your mouth is.' Are these just fancy words on the page or do you really, truly believe them and can you live them?? Yeah, and while we're at it, how is that mustard seed size faith doing for you?? You want it to grow?? Trust me and only me! Hang on tight 'cause we're about to go for a wild ride...let the journey begin! You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" In the 1980's REM experienced "The end of the world as we know it" and felt fine...but, I'm just not sure I feel so fine!

When I arrived at college, ummm, some seventeen years ago, one of my first purchases at the bookstore was a small poster to adorn the wall of my dorm room. It pictured a huge glorious old maple tree in all of its autumn splendor dressed in shades of red and orange and yellow and at the bottom right hand corner in relatively small print were the words, "It is only through change that we grow." I absolutely love autumn! As far back as I can remember, it has been my all-time favorite season of year, so the poster caught my eye immediately. Also, being bright-eyed, ambitious, not yet jaded and ready to take on the world at the "ripe old age" of eighteen, the words spoke to my heart too. I was ready to embrace change and grow. Bring it on! I loved a challenge and an adventure. Silly me! Change is for kids. Now at almost twice the age that I was then, I have grown to fear change, at least change that is not self-imposed. I've done quite well with the self-imposed kind in recent years as I've alluded to in my previous post. I still have the poster... somewhere...I think it may be in a box in the garage. I guess it is time to find it and put it back up on my wall. Change that is not self-imposed, takes extra ordinary courage for sure.

It is not as though this imminent change should have caught me by such surprise. It has been lurking around the fringes of my life for most of the past year, well at least the past nine months anyway...lying in wait for the perfect time to strike, when my defenses were down. This past Friday though, when it boldly made its presence known and announced as if a child who has been chosen as "it", engaged in playing a passionate game of hide-and-seek, finishes counting and yells, "Ready or not, here I come!," I was not as prepared as I should have been. I wanted to throw my own child-like tantrum in return and say, "Wait, wait! I'm not ready yet. It's not fair! I didn't have enough time to find a good hiding place. Close your eyes and count again! Give me one more chance, please?" Oh if I close my eyes now and shut out all of the present day distractions, I am in my childhood neighborhood again and it is dusk on a beautiful summer evening and we are playing "hide-and-seek" all across the yards of Tamark Court.

One of my gifts (or so I have been told by more than one person) is that of providing encouragement for others. I truly don't believe that I do anything more special in offering my words of support than what should be the norm as a human living in community with others, but apparently my ideals are not so "normal." Finding the best in others and helping them to bring that out and to stay connected to God, our creator and redeemer, has just always been second nature to me. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Sometimes though, I am not so good at encouraging myself.

So, for whatever it is worth, here are my quotes for this day, perhaps in the days ahead I will be able to write myself into en-courage-ment:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ " - Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living, 1960

I think with non-self-imposed change comes a certain amount of grieving and with that grieving comes crying. Is it okay to cry and be afraid before you take on courage?? Does that mean that you are less of a person of faith?? Less trusting of God as the ultimate artist painting "the big picture" on canvas of your life?? Does prayer change things or just help you to cope better with the changes that are inevitable in God's will?? Can you be uncertain and still have trust in God or can the two not really co-exist?? These days I have more questions than answers. I could fill an entire post with all of my questions, but I am not sure who would answer them. "Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison. Kyrie eleison." I can't do it alone God! Have mercy on me.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-- Isaiah 41:10

Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified;
do not be discouraged,
for the LORD your God
will be with you wherever you go.
-- Joshua 1:9

If by chance anyone reads this, please pray for me.