Extra Ordinary Beginnings

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read
you begin with A - B - C
When you sing
you begin with do - re - mi
- Maria (Julie Andrews), The Sound of Music, 1965

When you blog, I have come to realize, you begin with overcoming your fear of not having anything of value to say. In my own experience of sitting at my computer one day in late February searching for hope, searching for meaning, searching for guidance, searching for the good in the world concerning cross-gender friendships and mission and ministry, I literally stumbled upon Dan Brennan's blog, Faith Dance, and I found that his words and ideas expressed there spoke to some of my experience as well and in them I found comfort. Dan is an ordinary man with an Extraordinary vision and passion for educating the world on God's blessings found in cross-gender friendship. He has no formal degrees and titles to add to his name but has been given a special gift that God would like to share with the world through him. He has been an inspiration to me in my desire to create a blog of my own. "Pay It Forward" has become a popular saying in certain circles of our culture, but it is a concept I firmly believe in. For those of you who have watched the movie version with Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osmont, you must read the book! I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the original book when it was a new release at my local library, long before the concept of a movie version was ever conceived. It is good and as any reader knows, the book is always better than the movie. In that vein, it is my hope that someday this blog will evolve into something meaningful for someone other than myself, but for the present time it may just be a way of giving voice to my story.

"Start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..." overcoming my fear of not having anything of value to say. I have the perfect quote for that and it does speak directly to my experience both literally and figuratively:

If you hear a voice telling you that you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -- Vincent Van Gogh

This is a gem that I have only more recently added to my collection. On a personal level in the figurative sense, in the past year I have had the paradox of a growing voice within myself that is longing for expression somewhere battling with another voice that says I have nothing worthy of putting into writing or even spoken words. I have never been very disciplined in any of my previous attempts of keeping any sort of journal. So here, I will write - to silence the later and give birth to the other.

In a more literal sense in the past year I have indeed begun to paint and I love it! Albeit they are by no means master pieces, simply 4' x 8' backdrops for our church's children's faith formation program (VBS and Sunday School) done mostly in tempera ;o) but they are paintings nonetheless, real finished products and I actually let other people look at them. For me that has been a huge step in overcoming my fear of being vulnerable and contributing to a positive reinforcement of my sense of self.

Last May, Stephanie, our director of faith formation, out of blue - with no prompting from me (or anyone else of whom I am aware) asked me if I would like to help create the environment/settings for VBS, a task the nature of which I have never undertaken before in my life! I have always had an artistic longing deep within me that had long since been buried, but a lack of confidence prevented me from ever dreaming of doing anything even halfway serious with it. We all form ideas in our heads of who is creative and who is not, and I didn't really see myself in the creative category as my strengths were more in math and science. As a child, though, I used to check "How to Draw" books out of the library and I loved art class, but much beyond sixth grade and one quarter in seventh grade I have had no formal art instruction, especially in anything to do with painting as most of my elementary school art classes were mixed medium classes and I had very little instruction in painting and color combining, etc. I did in the spring of 2003 and 2004 for a few of months take some pencil drawing classes once or twice a week with Lon Calhoun at Moegan's Gallery in Conway, who has become another of my inspirations.

Needless to say though, at the thought of painting, I was at once excited and fearful. When I realized that I was simply a conduit for one of God's many, many gifts to the world and that I could indeed "do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13 it became an effortless, meditative activity that allowed me to feel in communion with God. It was no longer about me and what I could do, but rather about God and what He can do. It didn't have to be perfect, He was just looking for someone to show up and do the work. My self-consciousness, my inner critic in God's arms were laid to rest. Without having a clue as to what to do or how to do it, I put brush to paper and simply began. My friends laugh when I tell them that I don't really know what I am doing and am simply making it up as I go along. The transformative experience really comes though when I think I have just done something disastrous that will ruin the entire picture but when I refuse to waste the resources of time and materials and keep working at it, not abandoning ship, inevitably God will turn it my mistakes into something others see as beautiful. It has become for me a great life lesson and metaphor for living that when I think I or someone else has made a huge mistake in life, if I "let go and let God" He will take the time to turn the bad into something good. Saying "Yes!" when I had so much doubt and uncertainty was the best thing I ever did. It began a year-long ministry for me that has been such a blessing in my own life. Since last year's VBS ended in June, when I contemplate embarking on something new of which I am unsure, I remember to think to myself, "I can paint!"