Extra Ordinary Courage

Lord, I am feeling the edges of my faith
I am aware that I have stretched this hope
as far as I could dare.
I am in a place of great need;
My trust is faltering.
My prayers are before you
and I long for a glimpse of your answer.
I know your heart towards me
and, in that, there is no doubt,
however I long to see your hand
gently move across the days to come.
I have no more answers,
my plans have come to naught,
my soul is tired.
I long to see your hand
gently move across my broken life.

- Billy, Wild Grace Blog

I found this poem/prayer earlier this spring one day when I was feeling completely lost and just searching for meaning out there somewhere and I randomly clicked on Wild Grace's blog from another site and there it was just waiting for me. If you like poetry, this is most definitely a site to check out. Gracie, Billy, and Neils live in Australia and write some great poetry on their blog and have some great photography too.

Ahhhh! UUUgggghhhhh! GRRRRRRRRR! One month, one post. Second month, four posts - actually all in the course of a week. I thought I was doing good as a blogger, off to a good start. I thought I had found my groove. Then, my world began to crumble around me. I haven't written since because I have been at a loss for words of expression. It is as though God read my previous posts in May and said, "Okay, Barbara, let's see what you're really made of...if you can 'put your money where your mouth is.' Are these just fancy words on the page or do you really, truly believe them and can you live them?? Yeah, and while we're at it, how is that mustard seed size faith doing for you?? You want it to grow?? Trust me and only me! Hang on tight 'cause we're about to go for a wild ride...let the journey begin! You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" In the 1980's REM experienced "The end of the world as we know it" and felt fine...but, I'm just not sure I feel so fine!

When I arrived at college, ummm, some seventeen years ago, one of my first purchases at the bookstore was a small poster to adorn the wall of my dorm room. It pictured a huge glorious old maple tree in all of its autumn splendor dressed in shades of red and orange and yellow and at the bottom right hand corner in relatively small print were the words, "It is only through change that we grow." I absolutely love autumn! As far back as I can remember, it has been my all-time favorite season of year, so the poster caught my eye immediately. Also, being bright-eyed, ambitious, not yet jaded and ready to take on the world at the "ripe old age" of eighteen, the words spoke to my heart too. I was ready to embrace change and grow. Bring it on! I loved a challenge and an adventure. Silly me! Change is for kids. Now at almost twice the age that I was then, I have grown to fear change, at least change that is not self-imposed. I've done quite well with the self-imposed kind in recent years as I've alluded to in my previous post. I still have the poster... somewhere...I think it may be in a box in the garage. I guess it is time to find it and put it back up on my wall. Change that is not self-imposed, takes extra ordinary courage for sure.

It is not as though this imminent change should have caught me by such surprise. It has been lurking around the fringes of my life for most of the past year, well at least the past nine months anyway...lying in wait for the perfect time to strike, when my defenses were down. This past Friday though, when it boldly made its presence known and announced as if a child who has been chosen as "it", engaged in playing a passionate game of hide-and-seek, finishes counting and yells, "Ready or not, here I come!," I was not as prepared as I should have been. I wanted to throw my own child-like tantrum in return and say, "Wait, wait! I'm not ready yet. It's not fair! I didn't have enough time to find a good hiding place. Close your eyes and count again! Give me one more chance, please?" Oh if I close my eyes now and shut out all of the present day distractions, I am in my childhood neighborhood again and it is dusk on a beautiful summer evening and we are playing "hide-and-seek" all across the yards of Tamark Court.

One of my gifts (or so I have been told by more than one person) is that of providing encouragement for others. I truly don't believe that I do anything more special in offering my words of support than what should be the norm as a human living in community with others, but apparently my ideals are not so "normal." Finding the best in others and helping them to bring that out and to stay connected to God, our creator and redeemer, has just always been second nature to me. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Sometimes though, I am not so good at encouraging myself.

So, for whatever it is worth, here are my quotes for this day, perhaps in the days ahead I will be able to write myself into en-courage-ment:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ " - Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living, 1960

I think with non-self-imposed change comes a certain amount of grieving and with that grieving comes crying. Is it okay to cry and be afraid before you take on courage?? Does that mean that you are less of a person of faith?? Less trusting of God as the ultimate artist painting "the big picture" on canvas of your life?? Does prayer change things or just help you to cope better with the changes that are inevitable in God's will?? Can you be uncertain and still have trust in God or can the two not really co-exist?? These days I have more questions than answers. I could fill an entire post with all of my questions, but I am not sure who would answer them. "Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison. Kyrie eleison." I can't do it alone God! Have mercy on me.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-- Isaiah 41:10

Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified;
do not be discouraged,
for the LORD your God
will be with you wherever you go.
-- Joshua 1:9

If by chance anyone reads this, please pray for me.