Extra Ordinary Roots

The hero draws inspiration from the virtue of his ancestors.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In one sense we are all the heroes of our own stories. In crafting my life story, I do draw inspiration from the virtue of my ancestors. Sunday, July 15th was the annual (as of now though, I am told it will be biennial - a little disheartening since it has been three years since I was last able to attend, and now next year will provide no opportunity) family reunion of my paternal extended family, the family of my maiden name - Knitt - yes, it is Germanic (Prussian actually) and you do pronounce the "K" so in rough phonetics it is "Kuh´- nit, " not knit (as in lower case "k" and only one "t"- like what one does with two needles and a ball of yarn). That is one commonality we have all shared through the years - educating the world on the proper pronunciation of our name. Along with one of my cousins I have helped to compile quite a lengthy genealogical history of our family. My cousin, a freelance historian and genealogist, has done the majority of the research however and I, mostly the compiling, especially before he had a computer at his home, but nonetheless it has been a shared passion. To date we have records dating back to the late 1600's.

Johann Friedrich Knitt, who at some point Americanized his name to "John," was born November 29, 1839 in a rural farm area called Schwetzen outside of Glowitz, Stolp, Pommerania, Prussia, which now lies within the present day political boundaries of Poland. On June 12, 1869 just shy of his thirtieth birthday, he set sail for America on the immigration ship The St. Bernard from Bremen, Germany to the port of New York. Upon arrival he traveled further to make his way to the state of Wisconsin where worked for several years as a stonemason in Eureka and Berlin, Wisconsin until August 1875 when he purchased what would become our family's homestead farm in Larrabee Township. Johann married Henrietta Brandt in February of 1874 and they had five children - three girls and two boys. He was worried that the "Knitt" family name would die out in America, however, one of his boys, my great-grandfather, Henry, had ten children (eight boys, two girls) and his brother, Otto, had three, two of which were sons.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns

I do not believe that when Johann set sail from Germany in June of 1869 he could have possibly imagined that 138 years later the Knitt family would be flourishing in the United States as it is today. Nor that he would have the road on which he established his homestead farm named in his honor, "Knitt Road." Now the households of his descendants number in the hundreds. We are a large and varied family that has spread far and wide, but still we are all united by the same origins, the same roots. As teachers, artists, homemakers, doctors and health care workers, engineers, military personnel, scientists, clergy, missionaries, writers, film makers, bankers, lawyers, athletes, entrepreneurs, researchers, race car drivers, fire, police, and EMT personnel, and yes, still farmers too, as well as many, many, other occupations and great friends, neighbors, citizens, and families. Knitts are definitely making their mark on history. Knowing where you came from is an important part of knowing where you’re going to. I love the diversity and stability of such a large extended family and the identity it provides. Being a part of this family is one of the first places where I learned to accept and love others for who they are, encourage their strengths and overlook their weaknesses.

Families are held together by choice. Members are alike and unalike, yet there is comfort in the sameness and excitement in the differences. When we respect and relish both conditions, we can truly call ourselves family. - Maya Angelou

In his book, Self Matters, Phillip McGraw states that everyone can trace who they've become in life (their "life story" so to speak) back to ten defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. I first read this book just over five years ago as I was about to turn thirty and first felt the need to rediscover myself. At that point I didn't take the time to do all of the exercises set forth in the book, but they have been one of those things bouncing around in the back of my mind that I think about and ponder from time to time. This is an intriguing exercise from which I think everyone would benefit. I'm still working on unearthing my 10-7-5. The first defining moment in my life that has shaped me into the person I've become, however, was the death of my father, while I was just six years old. This may sound odd, but I view that experience as a blessing because of the resulting gifts that it brought to my life. So, what about those gifts?

For me, the death of my father brought me into a very deep and personal relationship with God, our heavenly Father, at a very young age. Never once did I think, "Who is this terrible, monstrous, heartless God who would take away my dad?" In fact, for me it had the exact opposite effect. It caused me to be drawn to God and I wanted to know everything about Him and His Church. I was fascinated with the concept of heaven because that's where my dad was. Because I was so young, I didn't question the concept of heaven and an afterlife, I embraced it. Even as a college student one of my first priorities in living away from home was to find a church home. I will confess though that at a couple of brief points in my adult life when I have been involved in negative communities that overwhelmed me, I have somewhat neglected my relationship with God and did not do my part in nurturing it as I should have, like a long time, close friend that moves away and becomes involved in their new life in their new city and gradually loses contact with you. In this case, I was the one who moved away, not God. All in all though, my relationship with God that was solidified at such a young age, I can identify as one of the underlying constants and defining factors of my life - he is always with me.

Another gift that I believe was a direct result of my father's death is that I am very in-tune with reading people's underlying emotions and motives and seeing their hurts and pain. I have a great capacity for empathy and accepting people for who they are and meeting them where they are. I forever find myself in the position of being an advocate of those who others are quick to label negatively. I have the ability to see God in most others. I seek out the good where others see bad. I usually recognize the hands and feet and face of Christ in others. I think that this stems from being a six year old and witnessing the extended illness of my father with cancer prior to his death, during, and afterwards as well as the reactions of our immediate and extended family and circle of friends - being a watcher and a listener in an attempt to make sense of the world around me. The children of our family were involved in the whole process, but at the same time when you are six in an adult world, when serious things are taking place, people take for granted that you are involved in your own little world of imagination and play things and are easily diverted, but in reality, when you are six the world is your classroom and you are a sponge soaking in everything going around you.

From now on, therefore, we regard no one from a human point of view; even though we once knew Christ from a human point of view, we no longer know him in that way. So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! - 2 Corinthians 5:16-17

The third main gift that I attribute to experiencing my father's death and my resulting life afterwards is that I internalized at a young age that everything in this world is fleeting and life is short. It has greatly affected my value system. I value people and ideals and intangible things like making memories and traditions. I have little use for the material or superficial. What matters is how you treat people. When I listened to Mark Lawrence, the once (and soon-to-be future) Bishop elect for the South Carolina Diocese of the The Episcopal Church, speak this past May while addressing a women's group, I thought he expressed this concept in an analogy that was the best I have heard. It has so stuck with me since then and it comes to mind often. He compared our life experiences to playing a game of Monopoly. He explained to us that he was a very aggressive, take-no-prisoners, passionate Monopoly player and he had tried to pass his love of this board game on to his own children as they were growing up. However, as he would inevitably put all the other players in a position that made a comeback on their part and an attempt at winning seem hopeless, they would one by one give up and walk away from the game and he would be left alone to "put it all back in the box." He may have "won" proving his superior Monopoly playing strategies and skills, but when it's all back in the box and the kids left one-by-one disenchanted, what had he "won" really? He wanted to communicate to us that at the end of this life all the "stuff" which seems so important and consuming, all goes back "into the box." The only thing we take with us in to the next world is our love for others and the way we treated the people with whom we came in contact.

All this is NOT to say that I am any sort of saint. I am not. I sin. I hurt people. I do things wrong. I get angry. I lose my temper. I make mistakes, lots of mistakes - just ask my husband or my mother or... hmm... just about anybody with whom I am close...or better yet, ask me, I'm well aware of all my faults and shortcomings. These three things, though, are a part of my roots. They are my equilibrium, the foundation upon which the other aspects of my personality and character are built. When I waiver and stray from these "building blocks of me", as I inevitably do, these are what draw me back in to what and where I should be. They are the gifts God gave me through my father. When I am functioning at my best, these basics about my person are evident to all with whom I come into contact. When I am functioning at my worst, they are the ideals upon which I can focus and to which I strive to return. They give me strength to work through the adversities which cross my path.

My dad, Donald Henry Knitt, Sr., is part of my extraordinary roots. Because I was six, for me my dad never left the superhero phase. I knew deep in my heart that he loved me unconditionally. I had no vision of his faults or shortcomings as perhaps some of my older siblings may. He read to me, every day. He danced with me in our living room. He played games with me. He let me be his helper. I remember having snacks with him after he would cut the lawn. To this day, I love cutting the lawn and the smell of fresh cut grass. It is a simple pleasure for me.

"Honor your father and mother" -- this is the first commandment with a promise: "so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the Earth." - Ephesians 6:2-3

I attempt to honor my father by the way in which I live my life. I try to regularly stop and take a litmus test, re-evaluate and re-group. I want to live in manner in which he would have been proud. Part of honoring my father, is also honoring my father's family. I am proud to be a Knitt. Most of my online user names and emails incorporate all of my initials "BRKM." The "K" is an important part of the whole, which composes my self-image and identity. Some of being a Knitt for me means being a person of integrity, ingenuity and fortitude, honest, passionate, genuine, intelligent, spiritual, generous, resilient, independent, stalwart, pragmatic, practical, determined, staying true to one's beliefs, creative, visionary. These are obviously ideals which are exhibited by different extended family members at different times, and I call upon the strengths of my roots in different situations in which they are appropriate. Having an identity and a connection to my roots though enables me to persevere and borrow strength where I otherwise might not be able to do so alone.

Your Name

You got it from your father
It was all he had to give
And right gladly he bestowed it
Its yours as long as you may live.
You may lose the watch he gave you
And another you may claim
But whenever you are tempted
Be careful of his name.
It was fair the day you got it
And a worthy name to bear
When he got it from his father
There was no dishonor there.
Through the years he proudly wore it
To his father he was true
And that name was clean and spotless
When he passed it on to you.
- Annonymous

One of my dear friends is a deep thinker. This past winter as we were conversing one day, he shared with me an impromptu "homily" of sorts reflecting on the "living stones" of 1 Peter 2. He related to me his own addendum to the chapter with the Love of God being the mortar which holds all of us rough hewn living stones together into to the body of Christ. I cannot do his homily justice here because he has a beautiful gift for language and words that I do not. I wish I had recorded the moment in time in which he was telling it to me. I do know that I will never look at the gorgeous stone silos built by the hands of my immigrant, stone mason turned farmer, great-great-grandfather in the same way. Now in the stones I see the members of my extended family with all of their unique, individual rough edges and cracks and blemishes that make them beautiful individuals, and the mortar the Love of God that holds us together as a family and a"body." Knowing that you have a place to belong, where you are loved, and accepted in an entity that is bigger than yourself, that you can return to at will but are not tethered, gives you strength to blossom and grow as an individual.

Extra Ordinary Love

Love is not just to do something for someone —

love is not a sort of sentimentality and kissing each other and so on.

Love is to enter into covenant —

to know that you accept me as I am,

that you see my gift, but also that you see my wound.

That you won't abandon me when you see my wound,

that you won't just flatter me when you see my gift.

But you accept me as I am with all that is fragile,

all that is broken, all that is beautiful, too. . . .

Then the extraordinary thing is we can let down barriers,

we don't have to prove,

I don't have to pretend I'm better than you are,

I'm allowed to be myself.

I'm allowed to be myself because you love me.

- Jean Vanier, "Seeing God in Others"

For the present, I work at a church. About a month ago I was required to lead the bi-monthly staff meeting devotional (for the first time ever), a task that at first seemed daunting and intimidating. That is, of course, until I remembered I can paint! At any rate my prayer was that the Spirit would speak through me and that my words would be well received. I am not sure how well they were received except by the one person who afterwards made a point of telling me that I did a good job (of course, I had asked her to pray for me regarding it in the preceding days), but nonetheless I was satisfied that I had done my best. The passages that I wanted to reflect on were 1 Corinthians 12 & 13. Fairly common passages, but usually one reads or hears read either chapter 12 or chapter 13, when really they were intended to go together. I knew what I wanted to say. I knew what I thought our community needed to hear, but I wasn't sure exactly how to communicate it. So, as always, I went to my modern day treasure chest of information, "Google," and I came up with the article from which the above quote was extracted and shared some excerpts from it. It is an amazing article, if you have the time, you should most definitely read it in its entirety. Jean Varnier, although newly discovered by me, is a published author of several books that I now look forward to adding to my "must read" list.

I have come to realize that to experience this kind of love of which Vanier speaks is indeed a blessing not to be taken for granted. Unfortuantely it is not as prevalent in our world as it should be. I am one of the fortunate who is blessed enough to experience this kind of love within the context of their marriage. The other day I was conversing with a friend with whom I also share this kind of Christian love when I said that "Freakin' Wierdo" is a term of endearment in our household. I am sure that at first hearing my friend thought this a very odd thing, especially when the response question to that statement was, "Is that a mutual thing?" I laughed. I affirmed that it was, so as not to allow this person to think I was experiencing some form of verbal or psychological abuse, but I did not take the time to give a rough translation of that, although I think it was understood in context. When my husband tells me that I am a "Freakin' Wierdo," I am secretly dancing on the inside because what he means in common English, for which we have created the established shorthand is, "You're not like the rest of the world. You're a free thinker. You're independent. You don't conform to societal and cultural norms. You stand up for what what you believe in and are true to your principles and values, no matter what. You aren't easily influenced by the opinions of others. You march to the beat of your own drummer. You approach the world differently. . . and that's what I like best about you! That's what I love!" So, when I do something or relate something that elicits the response, "You're a freakin' wierdo," (and perhaps the silent or voiced question, "Who else does that???") we both laugh and usually embrace and I know that I have done especially well. . . and my heart sings!

One example of our extraordinary love is best seen when we begin a disagreement on completely opposite ends of the spectrum, both firmly entrenched in our stances. As we talk and discuss our viewpoints, after sometimes hours of talking, we love each other so much that we find ourselves having adopted the other's position somewhere along the way, so we end up again at completely opposite ends of the spectrum, just the polar opposite of where we each began, and now trying to convince one another to re-adopt their initial stance because it has become our stance. Then we laugh when we realize what we have done and then we begin to find some middle ground or simply agree to disagree.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. - I. Krishnamurti

However, the love in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13 (although a popular read at weddings) is not necessarily the romantic, eros love. It is Christian love for another human being, for who they are as a part of the body of Christ, as the end of Chapter 12, after describing the various gifts of the spirit, sets the stage with the lead in, "And now I will show you the most excellent way."

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails . . . - 1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

Our most recent staff meeting devotional was on Romans 12, given by one of the two staff members who were not present for my previous one. Yes, if you are familiar with the passages, you will realize it is a variation on a theme from my own devotional. The message is still one that our community needs to embrace.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:9-21

This week's devotional leader started the meeting, prior to introducing the Bible passage, by having each staff member in turn, tell some key facts about themselves (that were listed in advance) that we might not otherwise have known about one another and then answer the question, "If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?" There were a few extremely lofty change goals listed around the table along with a couple of realistic items. My own desire for change in the world was that people would focus on truly seeing God in others and looking for and encouraging a person's gifts, rather than focusing on a person's weaknesses and transforming a person's life through Christ-like love, rather than attempting to change a person through punitive efforts to correct or reform another's faults or shortcomings.

Extraordinary Love changes things! In my present situation of such a huge life change from the outside, what matters most is that nothing really changes on the inside: I unconditionally love my husband and he unconditionally loves me. As long as that love remains, together, we can conquer anything; everything else is just icing on the cake. This is not to say that our marriage is a fairy tale, with nothing but bliss. Sometimes we disagree, we don't see things eye to eye, we exchange unkind words, we make each other cry (and not always tears of joy). We are human. We sin, but we also forgive one another and ourselves. Love is the foundation of our relationship. If some of the bricks crack or fall out of place because they were laid improperly, we can take them out and replace them with new ones as long as our foundation is secure. Extraordinary Love is authentic and genuine. I can always be completely open and honest with my husband, I don't have to pretend to be or think or feel anything that I am not or do not, nor does he with me. Usually we know one another so well that it is impossible to do so anyway, as the smallest of gestures or movements or sounds speak volumes.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. - John 15:9-13

To be able to freely give and receive this type of Christ-like love in a marriage, a friendship, a familial relationship, or just with an acquaintance or someone you meet on the street, has the power to change the world. The question is not if you will make an impact on the lives of others that one comes into contact with, the question is what kind of impact will one make? There are those who fear the power of this type unconditional love that it will "enable" a person to continue with negative behaviors, if they are not focusing directly on prohibiting the negative behavior. I disagree. "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." - Barbara Johnson

I have never met a person whose great need
was anything other than real, unconditional love.
You can find it in a simple act of kindness
toward someone who needs help.
There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart.
It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul,
energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives.
It is our connection to God and to each other.
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Extra Ordinary Grace

Grace is available for each of us every day - our spiritual daily bread -
but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart
and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow.
- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Grace comes in many forms. When I was a young teenager in Lutheran confirmation class, I was taught to remember the meaning of "grace" through the mnemonic device of an acronym:

G - God's
R - Riches
A - At
C - Christ's
E - Expense

It is one of those little tidbits of information that you store away in the filing cabinets of your mind for future reference and add it to the "general knowledge" folder...but in actuality it does little to help a person fully grasp and understand the concept behind the word. I am no longer Lutheran (that is a story for another day), but one of the local Lutheran churches in our area has given out blue bumper stickers with white letters that simply read, "GRACE Happens." I usually find myself behind one of these cars in traffic when I most need to be reminded of that fact and I think that, in and of itself, is an act of grace. Grace is not a concept that the average teenage confirmand can really, truly understand. Grace is something that does, just happen. Grace is something that one who has a relationship with our Saviour experiences through the trials and tribulations of life. We don't earn it or deserve it, but when we need it most, God knows, and it is there!

I have alluded to my impending life changes in several of my previous posts, and because I have experienced God's grace in the last week or so, I can talk about it more freely now where I was previously without words. Regarding my present life situation, I said to a friend two weeks ago, "There's a fine line between courage and crazy and only by the grace of God will we (my husband and I) end up on the right side of that line." To which she responded, "BTW, it takes both...Courage AND Crazy!" I have asked several people that I feel close to to pray for me in the preceding weeks, when I have at times been without words to pray for myself. If someone were to ask me today, however, I think I would confidently say that yes, we will end up on the right side of that line.

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times. - Martin Luther

On the eighth of June, my husband, who has been a high school band director for the past fourteen years, fifteen really, if you count his student teaching and substitute teaching (he was a December graduate) before he landed his first full time position, announced to me that he was going to resign from his job and not just his job in the sense of his present position, but in the sense of changing careers. This was not a complete surprise as it has been an extremely difficult year in working with his parent organization or less aptly named "Booster Club," as they have done little to actually "boost" the organization and in several cases have actually hindered the program this year. I choose, however, in my post here not to focus on all of the minutiae that lead to this decision but rather on my reactions to it as it is not my story to tell. If you are interested to know, as Paul Harvey announces over the radio airwaves, "The Rest of the Story," you may read my husband's blog as he is chronicling what he calls his mid-life journey. As a side note here and brief commercial: he is an excellent writer and his blog, just two and a half weeks old, has already developed quite a global following and community of readers and he has received the "Thinking Bloggers Award" and the "Blogging Community Involvement Award," so check it out sometime.

Needless to say, my initial reaction to this announcement (even though we had talked about the possibility in vague generalities in the past few months) was shock, fear, anger - not at my husband, but at the people who have made his chosen life career something which he no longer loves -, distraught. Phew! None of those emotions are desirable to experience. My thoughts went to mortgage payments, health insurance, gas for our car, food, all of those things which cost money, money we would have much less of now. Up until this point the income from my 32 hour a week job had been a bonus, not something upon which we were dependent. Now looking at the possibility of it being our only income, it will not meet all of our financial needs alone. He told me that he strongly felt that God was calling him away from his current work so that he would be able to do something else, but he does not know what that something else is yet. As a result our living room and bedside table quickly became littered with such books as:

• Awakening At Midlife - Kathleen A. Brehony
• Find Your Purpose, Change Your Life - Carol Adrienne
• Finding Your Own North Star - Martha Beck
• Life's a Bitch and Then You Change Careers - Andrea Kay
• Practical Intuition - Laura Day
• The Pathfinder - Nicholas Lore
• Welcome To Your Crisis - Laura Day
• When Life Changes or You Wish It Would - Carol Adrienne

Then he asked me one of the more difficult requests of our married life, "Can you please give me two weeks to just work through this on my own, without any input, and then, when I am ready, I'll invite you back into the process?" As scary as that was, I said, "Yes, I can do that," and I left the discernment process to be simply between my husband and the Lord.

On Wednesday, June 13, I awoke with the words of Matthew 6:25-34 on my tongue. It was the first I had really begun to feel any sense of God having a say in all of this, but still I was not completely convinced. On Tuesday, June 26, while working (during my daily drive back from picking up the office mail), I was not really thinking about any of this at all when all of the sudden I just got a complete sense of peace about what was about to occur. I don't know where it came from other than the grace of God, but I was soon to find out why. Later that day, my husband met with a friend he considered to be "wise counsel," the first he had really invited anyone in to the discernment process and two hours later, he was pretty convinced of his decision - to resign from his career. I know that God gave me that peace because now I would need to be a strong support and a "soft place to fall." Since that time I have really felt no fear, apprehension, nor anything other than "This is what we are supposed to be doing." Ironically, my husband has since, through the process of drafting his resignation letter and cleaning out 14 years of accumulated stuff (eight at his present location), acquired some fear and apprehension of his own and I have been able to be the one who can say, "It's all going to work out. It's okay. You are doing the right thing."

Grace Happens! It happens when you least expect it. I don't know yet where we are going or what we will be doing three or even six months from now, but I know that God will be with us, and that's all I need to know, for now. I am beginning to even experience a sense of adventure, new beginnings offer new hope and new possibilities and new opportunities, right?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:25-27

Extra Ordinary Heroes

Real heroes are men who fall and fail and are flawed,

but win out in the end because they've stayed true

to their ideals and beliefs and commitments.

- Kevin Costner

I have spent the past two weeks focusing most of my waking hours helping to get ready for and execute our church's Vacation Bible School (VBS) Program. The first of the past two weeks was spent in final preparations and finishing all of the decorations and backdrops, the later was the actual week of VBS with over sixty children participating. I was one of two women in charge of the crafts station. I love VBS! I always look forward to it as one of my favorite weeks of the year. Perhaps that is because I cannot have any children of my own and relish any opportunity I can to share in the lives of other people's children. To be able to see the world through the eyes of a child is an amazing gift. Anyway, this year's theme was sports - "Game Day Central: Where Heroes Are Made!" According to our VBS lesson plans "True Heroes":

1. Obey God even when it's not easy.
2. Do their best in everything.
3. Believe in Jesus and follow God's plan.
4. Put others first.
5. Tell others about Jesus.

Last year was my first year helping out with VBS at my current church after a several year personal VBS hiatus. In my thank you gift from the director (a small book) she wrote, "You are one of the most amazing people I know! Your gifts and abilities are evident in so many areas and I thank you so much for your extraordinary help and support and leadership." My inital reaction to this was, "If I am one of the most amazing people she knows, it's definitely way past time for her to go out and meet more people!" I am just a person who says they don't like pie when there isn't enough to go around.

We relish news of our heroes, forgetting that we are extraordinary to somebody too. - Helen Hayes

A boy doesn’t have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn’t like pie when there isn’t enough to go around. – Edgar Watson Howe, American Journalist and Author

Needless to say, all of this has gotten me to think about the "Heroes" in my own life...who they are, what defines them as people, why I admire them so much and how the examples of their lives sustain me in my own and have shaped me as a person. Amidst all of my current life changes, part of defining my heroes, I think, is to re-establish those roots which will give me the necessary continuity to support this new growth.

Here are my thoughts on "Amazing People" - Amazing people are not flawless, all of humanity has faults and short-comings - just different ones. Depending on our perspective we see the rest of the world as having either many more or much fewer problems that our own, but I believe that God is the original designer of the "No Child Left Behind" concept (Unlike the system created by our current U.S. public education bureaucracies though, His plan is flawless). He has created a unique set of challenges for each us, our own personalized "life curriculum" so to speak. Amazing people earn that title (in my book) not by being flawless but by how they respond to the work of God in their lives, how they view and respond to the world around them, and how they view and respond to the unique sets of challenges that God gives to each of us as exercises in becoming the people he created us to be.

I decided to dedicate some time to reflecting on the Extra Ordinary People in my life that I call "Heroes." Today's hero is Karl Bader. In the picture below we are dancing at the wedding reception of a mutual friend - Karl is, of course, the fifty-something man and I am the little girl of seven or eight.

I will highlight my heroes in no particular order, but as one of the changes that I am staring in the face is the prospect of selling our modest, cookie-cutter suburban house that my husband and I had built four years ago and returning to apartment living (which we haven't done since we moved to our first rented house in July of 1993), I think of Karl and find comfort in knowing that the "American Dream" doesn't have to be about owning property and a house.

Karl E. Bader was an extraordinary man. He was born August 08, 1926 in Stuttgart, Germany and as a teenager was required to serve in Hitler's Nazi army during World War II. After the war, the conditions in Germany were so terrible that he decided to immigrate to the United States, by way of Canada. At the age of twenty-five in 1952, he immigrated to Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada where he rented a single room in a boarding house and worked as a brick layer although by profession he was an architect. It was a very difficult time to be a German immigrant in the post-World War II era. He later sent for his wife to join him and they had their first son while still living in the rented room of the boarding house. Eventually they had a second son and moved to a small apartment. In 1959, they completed their migration to America and came to make their permanent home in the Greater Buffalo Area in New York State where he began working as an architect and a few months later joined a well-respected architectual firm in Williamsville, NY and made a 31-year career there and they became United States citizens.

Although I thought the biographical details were somewhat of a pre-requisite, they do little to tell the story of what earns Karl the title of "Hero," that comes from the quiet way in which he lived his life. Although a successful architect who could have easily made home ownership a reality for his family, he made a conscious, deliberate choice to live out the majority of their days in a rented apartment. He did not want to be consumed with property ownership and all that that entails. On days that weather permitted, he chose to commute by bicycle as opposed to car. Karl started every day by going to his church to pray before going to work or anything else.

Karl was a man who had the ability to see and foresee needs in the lives of others and in the community around him and then quietly went about helping to meet those needs. He touched and changed lives every day without any fanfare or recognition. He truly was Christ-like in his caring for others. He was filled with an inner joy that only comes from knowing our Lord on a personal level. During his career the main thrust of his work was on the design of rehabilitation projects and additions for many local school districts as well as some fire halls and branch banks. He was also instrumental in the design and overseeing of a major wing added to the Niagara Luthern Home and Rehabilitation Center in Buffalo and served for many years on their Board of Directors, being elected it's president in 1991.

In my own life, my father died less than two months after my sixth birthday. Karl was one of the many men in my wider circle of extended family and family friends who served as a strong male role model during my formative years. Karl and his family attended the same church as my own family and along with six other families - the Lawlers, the Hoffs, the Barenthalers, the Simmonses, (and later after the Simmonses moved away) the Belzes and the Dryers, we composed "The Family Life Committee" that was in charge of not only the weekly coffee hour, but planning and executing all of the parish dinners and fellowship events throughout the year. For all of the 1970's and most of the 1980's this group of people was more than a "committee" - they laughed together, played together, cried together and prayed together both inside and outside of the church. They shared each others' joys and burdens. These were the type of friends who really could call upon one another at 2:30 in the morning, if a need arose. If they were analyzed by modern-day, formalized church growth strategists, they would have probably been labeled a "small group." All of my adult life I have been longing to find that kind of relationship and friendship that was shared by those adults in that time. Oh, how I envy what they had! However, I am not so sure such friendships are an achieveable goal in today's contemporary society and culture.

"Baaarrrrb," I can still hear him say in his thick, gutteral German accent, accompanied by a big, bear hug. I cannot reproduce it, but I can hear it in my head. He always made it a point to spend some time in conversation with me each week after the worship service and even as a child he would ask me intelligent questions and really listen to my answers. He made me feel important. One of my fondest childhood memories is going to the Bader's home (yes, it was a small apartment, but it was still very much a "home" in every sense of the word) on Christmas Eve between the worship services and it was filled with good scents, sounds and visions. His wife, Isolde, would make every kind of German Christmas cookie imaginable as well as some German soft-pretzels and they would have a fresh, live Christmas tree lit with small, real burning candles placed in special holders on the boughs (Karl loved to amaze his friends by placing one of the boughs in the flame to prove that a fresh, well-watered tree would not burn). All of their closest friends and those who had no other other place to share in the joy of the holiday season would gather in their small living/dining room just about elbow to elbow and share in fellowship and sing Christmas Carols from booklets that Karl had put together - typed up the words and photocopied (although I guess it was mimeographed in those days, remember the "pretty" mimeograph blue?) and stapled together and we would all sing out in hearty, harmonized, a cappella voices.

When I think of adjectives to decribe Karl Bader, some that come to mind are intelligent, humble, compassionate, prayerful, generous, righteous, understanding, empathetic, genuine . . . In the words of my sister, Patti, "a true reflection of God." I don't know - to attempt to describe in words would be in some way boxing and labeling and I believe one just cannot do that with people. It is so limiting. Although I strongly believe in the power of words and this blog is somewhat dedicated to that power of words, there are still some places that even words cannot go, some things that remain unexpressable. So, I will leave you with this quote I found:

People ask me to describe a hero, I often fail at it. You see words are hollow things, they carry small meaning. Words lack the substance to do a real hero full justice. Real heros must be watched and seen to be understood. We see and hear about all of the people portrayed as heros - sports heros, entertainment heros, media heros, and so on, people whose charmed arrogance is just under the shine. Words and adjectives can describe these people with ease. They are not true heros and never could be, they are void . . . - Keith Howerton (Jacob's Dad)

Karl died in May of 1996 at the age of 69 of ALS - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (more commonly known as "Lou Gherig's Disease") -- his funeral was standing room only. I have been to a lot of funerals in my thirty-five years, but only two others were standing room only. To live one's life in such a way that your funeral is "standing room only" - that's what it's all about!

Extra Ordinary Change

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

I remember the day I took this picture. It was a Sunday afternoon this past October (2006) when I felt the first sting of the winds of change blowing upon my face; in comparison to what I have experienced since then, however, these were nothing. In fact I even welcomed the breeze after a long, hot summer! For the past fifteen years, Octobers have mostly been an auto-pilot blur for my husband and I due to the nature of the work he has been doing and for all but this past one, the work I had been doing with him. This October (with my husband's blessing) I stepped out on my own adventure and began a new work or at least a work in a new place. Still though, October, as always, was a stressful month. In an attempt to divert some of that stress, the one Sunday in which I took the picture above, we each realized the need for some alone time and connect with God time. My husband took off for the afternoon to "do his thing" and I grabbed the camera to have the rare (for me) opportunity to capture the beauty of God's autumn showcase, with a limited showing. I don't have very much formal training or education in art, but I do okay I guess (or at least people tell me that I do). There are many things that I wish I could do better in expressing the pictures that are in my mind's eye but I do not yet have the skills to do so. The important thing for me though is that I have found my attempts at creative expression to be my time alone communing with God. I really feel as though when I am involved in a work of creative expression that I am a mere conduit for God exercising his gift to the world. It is also a time when God speaks to me, we have long conversations like two old friends. When I am involved in creative expression, I lose myself and my problems, and time stands still.

Last night I went to bed in one of my bouts of despair regarding all of this imminent change, fear about the tomorrows yet unseen, but this morning somehow, I awoke with hope. If you have been praying for me, thank you!!! thank you!!! thank you!!! beyond measure!!! The words that were on my lips as I rolled out of bed this morning were from Saint Matthew 6:25-34 ~

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today
and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Oh, okay so I answer one of my own questions....uncertainty and trust can really not co-exist! I did know that on an intellectual level somewhere in the back of my head, but I wasn't to that point yet in this particular journey. A friend asked me the other day after I had shared a little bit of my concerns if I was doing well, to which I replied " 'well' is a relative term isn't it? I wish I were in a different place right now but some things are beyond our control..." My friend's reply was, "...these things ARE under Someone's control (even if it's not ours)" in referring to our heavenly father.

Yes, he is right! Things are under God's control. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I saved the text exchange in my phone so I can reread the words when my own trust begins to falter. Hmmm, it is time to start 'pulling myself up by my bootstraps.' I am a fighter by nature and when I regain my bearings again after being knocked to the ground by the initial blow, I usually am pretty resilient. So here is my quote for today...

"Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. " ~Pauline R. Kezer

My task at hand for now, the immediate future, is to identify my roots, the things on which I can rely to give me strength and continuity while these new branches are budding. It is not as though if called upon, I could not identify "my roots." However, I think I need to take the time to make a conscience, concerted effort to revisit those things that have brought me through the huge trials, tribulations and changes of my past. Roots need water and nutrients from the soil to produce and support strong, healthy new growth. These last few months I have felt as though God has enrolled me in a graduate level fortitude class and I've been struggling. It's a difficult course, but I think I will ultimately come out with a passing grade. God is not one of those instructors who likes to put the objective for the day up on the board as you enter the room though. Part of the challenge is He kind of leaves it up to you to figure out the objective on your own. This makes it more difficult, but I guess if it were easy, I wouldn't need to be here. There would be no lesson to be learned.

Trust. Ruthless Trust. I can do this. Okay so here is my next children's literature reference from Watty Piper's The Little Engine that Could, "I think I can, I think I can." Growing up, I had the book and record version and it was one of my favorites. I would listen to it over and over and over again. To this day, I can practically recite the story by memory. Looking back, maybe there was a reason for that. God knew me even before I was formed in my mother's womb.

If you would attain to what you are not yet,
you must always be displeased by what you are.
For where you are pleased with yourself
there you have remained.
Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing.
~Saint Augustine

Extra Ordinary Courage

Lord, I am feeling the edges of my faith
I am aware that I have stretched this hope
as far as I could dare.
I am in a place of great need;
My trust is faltering.
My prayers are before you
and I long for a glimpse of your answer.
I know your heart towards me
and, in that, there is no doubt,
however I long to see your hand
gently move across the days to come.
I have no more answers,
my plans have come to naught,
my soul is tired.
I long to see your hand
gently move across my broken life.

- Billy, Wild Grace Blog

I found this poem/prayer earlier this spring one day when I was feeling completely lost and just searching for meaning out there somewhere and I randomly clicked on Wild Grace's blog from another site and there it was just waiting for me. If you like poetry, this is most definitely a site to check out. Gracie, Billy, and Neils live in Australia and write some great poetry on their blog and have some great photography too.

Ahhhh! UUUgggghhhhh! GRRRRRRRRR! One month, one post. Second month, four posts - actually all in the course of a week. I thought I was doing good as a blogger, off to a good start. I thought I had found my groove. Then, my world began to crumble around me. I haven't written since because I have been at a loss for words of expression. It is as though God read my previous posts in May and said, "Okay, Barbara, let's see what you're really made of...if you can 'put your money where your mouth is.' Are these just fancy words on the page or do you really, truly believe them and can you live them?? Yeah, and while we're at it, how is that mustard seed size faith doing for you?? You want it to grow?? Trust me and only me! Hang on tight 'cause we're about to go for a wild ride...let the journey begin! You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" In the 1980's REM experienced "The end of the world as we know it" and felt fine...but, I'm just not sure I feel so fine!

When I arrived at college, ummm, some seventeen years ago, one of my first purchases at the bookstore was a small poster to adorn the wall of my dorm room. It pictured a huge glorious old maple tree in all of its autumn splendor dressed in shades of red and orange and yellow and at the bottom right hand corner in relatively small print were the words, "It is only through change that we grow." I absolutely love autumn! As far back as I can remember, it has been my all-time favorite season of year, so the poster caught my eye immediately. Also, being bright-eyed, ambitious, not yet jaded and ready to take on the world at the "ripe old age" of eighteen, the words spoke to my heart too. I was ready to embrace change and grow. Bring it on! I loved a challenge and an adventure. Silly me! Change is for kids. Now at almost twice the age that I was then, I have grown to fear change, at least change that is not self-imposed. I've done quite well with the self-imposed kind in recent years as I've alluded to in my previous post. I still have the poster... somewhere...I think it may be in a box in the garage. I guess it is time to find it and put it back up on my wall. Change that is not self-imposed, takes extra ordinary courage for sure.

It is not as though this imminent change should have caught me by such surprise. It has been lurking around the fringes of my life for most of the past year, well at least the past nine months anyway...lying in wait for the perfect time to strike, when my defenses were down. This past Friday though, when it boldly made its presence known and announced as if a child who has been chosen as "it", engaged in playing a passionate game of hide-and-seek, finishes counting and yells, "Ready or not, here I come!," I was not as prepared as I should have been. I wanted to throw my own child-like tantrum in return and say, "Wait, wait! I'm not ready yet. It's not fair! I didn't have enough time to find a good hiding place. Close your eyes and count again! Give me one more chance, please?" Oh if I close my eyes now and shut out all of the present day distractions, I am in my childhood neighborhood again and it is dusk on a beautiful summer evening and we are playing "hide-and-seek" all across the yards of Tamark Court.

One of my gifts (or so I have been told by more than one person) is that of providing encouragement for others. I truly don't believe that I do anything more special in offering my words of support than what should be the norm as a human living in community with others, but apparently my ideals are not so "normal." Finding the best in others and helping them to bring that out and to stay connected to God, our creator and redeemer, has just always been second nature to me. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Sometimes though, I am not so good at encouraging myself.

So, for whatever it is worth, here are my quotes for this day, perhaps in the days ahead I will be able to write myself into en-courage-ment:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ " - Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn By Living, 1960

I think with non-self-imposed change comes a certain amount of grieving and with that grieving comes crying. Is it okay to cry and be afraid before you take on courage?? Does that mean that you are less of a person of faith?? Less trusting of God as the ultimate artist painting "the big picture" on canvas of your life?? Does prayer change things or just help you to cope better with the changes that are inevitable in God's will?? Can you be uncertain and still have trust in God or can the two not really co-exist?? These days I have more questions than answers. I could fill an entire post with all of my questions, but I am not sure who would answer them. "Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison. Kyrie eleison." I can't do it alone God! Have mercy on me.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
-- Isaiah 41:10

Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified;
do not be discouraged,
for the LORD your God
will be with you wherever you go.
-- Joshua 1:9

If by chance anyone reads this, please pray for me.

Extra Ordinary Trust

"My brother and sisters,

whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy,

because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance;

and let endurance have its full effect,

so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God,

who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you.

But ask in faith, never doubting,

for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea,

driven and tossed by the wind; for the doubter,

being double-minded and unstable in every way,

must not expect to receive anything from the Lord."

--James 1:2-8

I don't believe I have ever devoted much attention to the book of James. It is one of those very short books, only five chapters in length, near the end of the New Testament following all of the letters of Paul and it is just not one that is regularly or often quoted. Yesterday afternoon, I was surfing the web though and stumbled upon a website that had a quote from the book of James which triggered my interest, so I pulled out my Bible and began to read. Hmmm...there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences! A lot of what James had to say to the twelve tribes in the Dispersion, he also had to say to me as a good bit of his letter spoke directly to my present situation with things I needed to read. One of my regular, repeated prayers is, "Lord, speak to me in a way I can understand." and when I remember to pray that, he usually does.

"Whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of faith produces endurance..." - James 1:2-3 Faith. Little word, huge meaning! Faith is one of those constants of the Christian lingo that is often tossed around so much that we in The Church sometimes lose sight of what it's all about, until we are in a crisis and called upon by God to exhibit it. Faith is one of those words, like friendship, that everybody knows what it means until you ask them to define it. It is difficult (to say the least) to box up such an enormous word like "faith" and express it through our limited vocabularies when it is indeed so beyond ourselves. British rocker George Michael told us in the 1980's that we "Gotta Have Faith" and our own Bon Jovi in the 1990's told us to "Keep the Faith." The Hebrews are told in the eleventh chapter of the letter to them that it is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen..." and it goes on to describe the faith of the Israelite heroes as examples for us. Jesus told us that an amount the size of a mustard seed was enough, but from where do we get it "in a world so filled with hatred"?

As a child (and still sometimes to this day, although not as often), I used to wake up at night out of a sound sleep crying in pain with a terrible, intense cramp in the back of my calves, which now I know to be commonly called a "Charlie Horse." My mother used to tell me as she tried to rub them away that they were "Growing Pains" and an unavoidable part of life. I remember wishing that growing up didn't have to hurt so much... but we all know that both figuratively and literally, growing up - whether in the physical, emotional, or spiritual realm - does indeed hurt and sometimes much, much more than we would care to experience. At the of age 35, I find myself right now in the middle of a growth spurt and it still hurts just in different ways.... my calves, they're alright for now anyway! ;o) So, here is my challenge:

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." -- Charles du Bois

I gave someone whom I consider to be a friend a candle a few months ago. It was a simple tea-light candle in an approximately four inch stone-like cube inscribed with the words from Jeremiah 29:11, "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord,...to give you a future with hope." Not printed on the candle in the ellipsis are the the words, "plans for your welfare and not for harm." Those can be difficult words in which to maintain faith in the midst of a growth spurt when the pain is most evident, but that essentially points me back to du Bois' quote. The only problem is that our vision of a future with hope may not be the same as God's vision for us that is more than we could ever imagine and we've got to be willing to sacrifice our vision for his. The end of the chapter of Hebrews on the great heroes of the faith contains these words, that while filled with all the riches God has to offer are indeed scary while we are in the middle of it all and our vision is slipping away: "Yet all these, though they were commended for their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better..."

On a personal level, I spent most of my twenties living a fairly contented life savoring the joys of being newly married, doing work that I believed to be making a difference in the world and being an active part of a vibrant faith community (the experiences with whom I did not know at the time would sustain me for years to come). Towards the end of my twenties, although I was basically satisfied with where I had been and where I thought I was going, there began to be as Meg Ryan's character in "You've Got Mail," Kathleen Kelly, tells her then boyfriend Frank regarding their eminent break-up that although "there is no one else; there is the idea of someone else." In the smallest corners of my mind there began to be the idea of becoming someone else. I stumbled across the quote which launched my collection and made it my theme, my motto, my tagline. It was even my signature line on my emails for a season. It became my catalyst for change:

"It is never too late to be what you might
have been." - George Eliot, English novelist

Simultaneously, I began a fascination with the biographies of people who are well regarded in their fields of endeavor but did not begin in those fields until at least thirty years of age.

To be continued.... If you want the rest of the story, come back later.

"The whole problem with the world 

is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, 

but wiser people so full of doubts." 

-- Bertrand Russell

Extra Ordinary Grace

"I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips . . .
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears . . .

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him . . .

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit . . .
The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him."
- Psalm 34:1, 4, 8, 17, 18 and 22, King David

I don't believe that I could ever tire of reading the Psalms. They were written thousands of years ago, but for the most part they could have just as easily been written today. Sometimes I marvel at the continuity of the human experience. There is a tendency in our society to think one's experiences, ideas and problems are unique to one's self, "I am special," "no one could possibly understand what I'm going through," "It just isn't the same." My mother-in-law is one of the biggest proponents of this type of thinking, it is difficult sometimes to bite my tongue. I believe this could not be further from the truth though. "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." --John 10:10 In Christ we will experience all that there is to experience - the good, the bad, and the ugly, but is it not the same that our forefathers [and mothers ;o) ] have experienced from the beginning of time?? Somehow, I find comfort in that.

In Psalm 35, my absolute favorite lines are from verses 21 & 22: " 'They open wide their eyes against me; they say Aha, Aha, our eyes have seen it.' You have seen it Lord; do not be silent!" For some reason that line always tickles me when I read it. I know those people! They aren't only from thousands of years ago in King David's time, I see them every day. They live in 2007 and they are still saying "Aha, Aha" with their index finger pointing towards another. The funny thing about those people though is they never seem to find reason to point that finger in the mirror. Perhaps you know them too. But even in their "Aha's" it is up to us to find the blessings, for without the trials would there be a need of grace?

Some of the "Aha-ers" (as I like to call them in my own private vocabulary) had been the cause of, for me, an "Alexander Day." I was an elementary education major in college where I developed a love of children's literature and the wonderful ways they capture such basic life lessons with child-like candidness and beauty. If you read this blog for any duration you'll probably get quite a list of my favorites from that genre. There are certain works of children's literature that I believe should be on everyone's "Must Read" list, regardless of age. Judith Viorst's classic, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, is just such a book. In it Alexander is having a day filled with what to him are the worst possible experiences that he could ever have to endure, so he decides to remedy the situation by planning to move to Australia, where surely life must be better -- that is, until his mother convinces him that even in Australia they have days just like that too sometimes!

Anyway, back on track to the telling of my Extraordinary Grace experience. My day started out with a grey cloud dancing over my head and it developed into "severe thunderstorm warning" like conditions as the day progressed. My husband is the Director of Bands at a local high school, one of the worlds' most noble, mostly unsung heroes. He is amazing at what he does and the way he transforms the lives of ordinary teenagers over the course of four year periods. He is truly one of those people who makes a difference and is changing the world one life at a time. I admire him more than he will probably ever comprehend. Running a multi-faceted, successful high school band program in today's world is no simple undertaking, it is a life calling.

This is where my quote of the day comes into play:

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success is what you make it. Not what others tell you it is.

My husband understands this about success, that is one of the reasons why I love him so much. He "gets it!" Although to not understand it and do the work that he does would, I think, bring one to the point of insanity. Being the person in charge of such an organization puts one in a position to endure lots of criticism while you must attempt to create a program of success in the eyes of five different audiences and their ideas about such success are usually quite different. The audiences being the student population (for whom the program was truly created), their parents/boosters who must work to financially support the running of the organization, the school administration looking at measurable achievement and entertainment(scores, evaluations, assessment providing meaningful educational goals while still providing entertainment), music professionals (adjudicators) and collegues, and the community at large who simply wants a band to play at their parade or give a concert for their event (because ah, doesn't everybody love a band?) and even they have no concept that the other four audiences exist. Finding the balance between all of those different audience perceptions as well as the director's own vision for the program is an incredible task.

This year has been an especially difficult one, after almost fifteen years in "the business" he has really seriously considered changing professions on more than one occasion because one of the five audiences (the parent/booster group) has upset the delicate balance in a very negative way. This year the group is filled with "Aha-ers." Today was the day of our annual end-of-year awards banquet that we have taken to calling "The Celebration of Achievements" The Aha-ers had spent their time pointing out every possible fault they could find with the way my husband does his job, meanwhile neglecting doing their own jobs in the team of running the program. As his wife, life partner, lover and best-friend, I shoulder some of the stress that evolves from that as well.

My "severe thunderstorm warning" like conditions were already brewing (because of a situation at my own work) when I showed up at the school in the late afternoon, after work to finish printing the last few certificates. The organizing of said event as far as the banquet portion of it is a designated booster activity. This year no advance preparations were made by anyone, but nonetheless their expectations for a wonderful evening remained equally as high as ever. No one had stepped up to the plate to make things happen. No hall was reserved, so we had it in the school cafeteria and auditorium. No one prepared tickets in advance and helped sell them, so it was poorly attended and our caterer had trouble knowing what to prepare. No decorations. At thirty minutes before it was supposed to start, not one table had been set up. It is Harley-Davidson Bike Week here (a traffic nightmare) so the food was late arriving. Once it was set up, a Sterno can caught on fire and filled the room with smoke. No parents would lift a finger to help in the serving line, as we could not afford hired servers, so two alumni served the entire crowd. Not enough funds had been raised throughout the year, with the ever-increasing transportation costs and gas prices, to afford real trophies this year, so it was all lying on the certificates that it was my responsibility to create and have ready.

While all of the banquet portion of the evening was going awry, I was attempting to finish the few certificates that I had left to print, which would have been a very easy manageable task had technology cooperated, but alas it would not! The first computer I linked into was having a fan problem and would overheat and shut off, the second had an impossibly slow printer and at the rate it was going, there was no way I would ever finish in time. Even if everything else goes wrong, what is an awards celebration without the awards??? I was losing it, big time! The thunder was roaring, I could see lightning in the distance. I was snapping at my husband! Things were going from bad to worse in a downward spiral. I was obviously doing something wrong. I was trying to do something I could not do, I was trying to prevent the "Aha-ers" from being successful. I could not control what I was trying to control. I stopped. I found my husband who was also running around trying to save the day himself -- I stopped him. I hugged him (long and hard). I kissed him. I told him I was sorry for snapping at him. I told him how much I appreciated him and how much I loved him. It was brief really, but it was so meaningful and then he was off again trying to saving the day. Then when he left the room I was working in with the door locked behind him, I fell prostrate before the Lord and cried out "Lord have Mercy, Christ have Mercy, Lord have Mercy!" over and over then I got up and asked God to redirect me, help me to focus on what was really important, show me the way....and he did! "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit . . .The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him."

Somehow what had been so difficult, went easy. The computer and printer started working. The people got fed and fell into conversation and fellowship with one another and made their way into the auditorium for the power-point/video and presentations. I finished-- the delays with the set-up and food had bought me more time! I thanked God!! I went into the auditorium and sat down on the stairs against the wall as unobtrusive as possible, my heart and my soul were at peace and it was then that I experienced His Extraordinary Grace as God showed me what was indeed really important.

My was hair was just pulled back, no make-up, and I never did have time to change into my "dress up" clothes - I was just wearing my old grey t-shirt that I wear to the gym, my capris, and my old strappy sandles that have seen better days, but the certificates were done and I decided I was going to just enjoy the rest of the night and be open to what God had instore. I ended up being more relaxed than I had at any other of these functions in the past fourteen years. The kids had produced the most professional, incredible, life-affirming video with pictures and music and the experience of their life with each other and my husband for the past year...watching it there was laughter and spontaneous applause and "oooh's" and "aaah's." This was their life -- they spend more hours with the band during their four years of high school than anywhere else, except perhaps sleeping. Next came superlative awards also created by the students... you remember those fun "Most likely to..." kind of things. The three presenters did an amazing job and made it so much more fun and memorable than any other class had in years past. They rented tuxes and presented them in the style of the academy awards with nominees, a Power Point and the whole nine yards! The kids had a blast with it. We were making memories. The color guard instructor, a college sophomore and alumni of the program, wanted to do something special for her kids since we could not afford real trophies, so she went searching for something and found and purchased with her own money these little oval smooth metal-like stones with words like "courage," "faith," "hope," "love," you know the kind. She had showed them to me in advance and told me, "I wanted to get these for them because that's what we're really about here, we're giving them 'life lessons.' That's what they need to take away from here." I wanted cry. She "got it!" I told her she was amazing and not to let anyone tell her otherwise as she too had spent a year under the watchful eyes of the "Aha-ers." Then came my husband's presentation of my little computer generated certificates that I had sweat over, which at this point almost seemed anti-climatic and then was followed by "The Senior Farewell Speeches." After four years together through the good times and the bad, you store up a lot of things that you want to say...and we let them. Each graduating senior of the program gets however long they would like at the podium to say their good-byes. I really did almost cry this time. The ways that this program has affected their lives, they are going into the world different people than their peers who had not experienced the unconditional love of an incredible man that guided them and helped them through some of the most difficult years of their lives to this point.

When it was over, I don't think anyone remembered that we had to have it in the undecorated school cafeteria, that a lot of parents didn't come, that the food was late, that the smoke alarms almost went off and no one would help serve...that I was frantically trying to finish the awards at the last minute. I know that's not what I'll remember most about the night. The storm clouds rolled away and I don't think a drop of rain ever actually fell, because when I went to my car I could see the stars. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." -- Og Mandino

"Success is what you make it, not what others tell you that it is."

Extra Ordinary Beginnings

Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read
you begin with A - B - C
When you sing
you begin with do - re - mi
- Maria (Julie Andrews), The Sound of Music, 1965

When you blog, I have come to realize, you begin with overcoming your fear of not having anything of value to say. In my own experience of sitting at my computer one day in late February searching for hope, searching for meaning, searching for guidance, searching for the good in the world concerning cross-gender friendships and mission and ministry, I literally stumbled upon Dan Brennan's blog, Faith Dance, and I found that his words and ideas expressed there spoke to some of my experience as well and in them I found comfort. Dan is an ordinary man with an Extraordinary vision and passion for educating the world on God's blessings found in cross-gender friendship. He has no formal degrees and titles to add to his name but has been given a special gift that God would like to share with the world through him. He has been an inspiration to me in my desire to create a blog of my own. "Pay It Forward" has become a popular saying in certain circles of our culture, but it is a concept I firmly believe in. For those of you who have watched the movie version with Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osmont, you must read the book! I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the original book when it was a new release at my local library, long before the concept of a movie version was ever conceived. It is good and as any reader knows, the book is always better than the movie. In that vein, it is my hope that someday this blog will evolve into something meaningful for someone other than myself, but for the present time it may just be a way of giving voice to my story.

"Start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..." overcoming my fear of not having anything of value to say. I have the perfect quote for that and it does speak directly to my experience both literally and figuratively:

If you hear a voice telling you that you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -- Vincent Van Gogh

This is a gem that I have only more recently added to my collection. On a personal level in the figurative sense, in the past year I have had the paradox of a growing voice within myself that is longing for expression somewhere battling with another voice that says I have nothing worthy of putting into writing or even spoken words. I have never been very disciplined in any of my previous attempts of keeping any sort of journal. So here, I will write - to silence the later and give birth to the other.

In a more literal sense in the past year I have indeed begun to paint and I love it! Albeit they are by no means master pieces, simply 4' x 8' backdrops for our church's children's faith formation program (VBS and Sunday School) done mostly in tempera ;o) but they are paintings nonetheless, real finished products and I actually let other people look at them. For me that has been a huge step in overcoming my fear of being vulnerable and contributing to a positive reinforcement of my sense of self.

Last May, Stephanie, our director of faith formation, out of blue - with no prompting from me (or anyone else of whom I am aware) asked me if I would like to help create the environment/settings for VBS, a task the nature of which I have never undertaken before in my life! I have always had an artistic longing deep within me that had long since been buried, but a lack of confidence prevented me from ever dreaming of doing anything even halfway serious with it. We all form ideas in our heads of who is creative and who is not, and I didn't really see myself in the creative category as my strengths were more in math and science. As a child, though, I used to check "How to Draw" books out of the library and I loved art class, but much beyond sixth grade and one quarter in seventh grade I have had no formal art instruction, especially in anything to do with painting as most of my elementary school art classes were mixed medium classes and I had very little instruction in painting and color combining, etc. I did in the spring of 2003 and 2004 for a few of months take some pencil drawing classes once or twice a week with Lon Calhoun at Moegan's Gallery in Conway, who has become another of my inspirations.

Needless to say though, at the thought of painting, I was at once excited and fearful. When I realized that I was simply a conduit for one of God's many, many gifts to the world and that I could indeed "do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13 it became an effortless, meditative activity that allowed me to feel in communion with God. It was no longer about me and what I could do, but rather about God and what He can do. It didn't have to be perfect, He was just looking for someone to show up and do the work. My self-consciousness, my inner critic in God's arms were laid to rest. Without having a clue as to what to do or how to do it, I put brush to paper and simply began. My friends laugh when I tell them that I don't really know what I am doing and am simply making it up as I go along. The transformative experience really comes though when I think I have just done something disastrous that will ruin the entire picture but when I refuse to waste the resources of time and materials and keep working at it, not abandoning ship, inevitably God will turn it my mistakes into something others see as beautiful. It has become for me a great life lesson and metaphor for living that when I think I or someone else has made a huge mistake in life, if I "let go and let God" He will take the time to turn the bad into something good. Saying "Yes!" when I had so much doubt and uncertainty was the best thing I ever did. It began a year-long ministry for me that has been such a blessing in my own life. Since last year's VBS ended in June, when I contemplate embarking on something new of which I am unsure, I remember to think to myself, "I can paint!"

Extra Ordinary Mission

I have had this blog for a little over a month now and have not been exactly sure in what direction to venture forth since my original post. Since it seems though that no one in particular will ever even discover this blog, I guess it does not matter. As my few close personal friends know, I have lots of opinions and strong convictions, so a blog seems like a natural outlet for that, but sometimes I am often hesitant to share them for fear of how they will be received. I also though have a broad spectrum of interests and causes so to focus in on any one would for me be difficult.

I am a collector of quotations, pithy sayings, biblical verses and words to the wise that speak to my heart. It is one of the ways I make sense of the world around me. I love language and words that strung together in just the right order somehow capture and comunicate the essence of the human experience and transcend time and culture - they are to me like a beautiful painting. It has been said that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I believe that well crafted words can also be worth a thousand pictures. A thousand people can read a biblical passage, a novel, a poem or hear a sermon, political speech, a song, .... and come away with a thousand different personal viewpoints from what they have read or what they have heard yet still somehow each hold on to the same basic truths or themes found in the message. Words can be magical. They have the power to influence, encourage, transform, inspire, guide, create, destroy, hurt, heal, forgive, redeem and so much more. We as individuals and as a society must be careful and not careless with how we use them. Nothing can be further from the truth than the childhood taunting retort "Stick and stones may break my bones, but words (or names) will never hurt me." Words do sometimes hurt and leave deep, long-lasting wounds. I much prefer the truism "The pen is mightier than the sword."

We all have our own concept of self that we carry around with us from very young childhood until we die and it usually morphs and transforms over the years as it is influenced by outside forces (Community has the power to shape us or destroy us) as well as our own hopefully ever-growing maturity, realtionship with our creator God and self awareness and progress on the road to truly being "self-actualized" (in the words of Maslow). When we are truly honest though, I think there are some constants that remain. For me one of those constants has been that I believe that somehow, in some small way I am going to change the world one day (or a small portion of it) for the better by influencing the way people think and in turn believe and ultimately act. Yes, my true self is (what some would call a hopeless) optimist. But I believe in optimism, there is always hope. I do freelance graphic communiations and design work and I guess that is ultimately my goal with that, to influence the way people think and view the world.

Here in this blog, in navigating the "Extras" in my ordinary life, I believe I will begin by each day trying to focus on taking one small quotation, pithy saying, or biblical verse that has latched on to my heart and experiences of that day and explore a little further what it is communicating to me. Then, perhaps, someone else will be sitting at their computer searching for hope, searching for meaning, searching for guidance, searching for the good in the world and also then find these words and they will speak to their experience as well and offer them comfort.